Divorced and Sassy

It's done

2009-01-24T08:52:00.003-05:00

J and I broke up last night. For real. It's done.

I have told his family... his mom called me last night and his sister and I talk on a regular basis. It's been a LONG night.

I know its for the best, but I don't want to hurt him. We have to live here codependently. HAVE to. And that will be hard.

Stay tuned.

Tonight

2009-01-23T15:12:00.001-05:00

Im telling him tonight that it's over.

Wish me luck.

because I can't put this on facebook

2009-01-23T11:09:00.002-05:00

Angelena HATES THAT SHE FOUND A LETTER FROM WEGMANS THAT JESSE BOUNCED 2 CHECKS WITH THEM TOTALLING ALMOST 250.00 WHEN WE HAVE A BUSTED HEAD GASKET IN MY VAN WHICH MEANS I WILL HAVE TO WALK BAILEE TO SCHOOL AND RELY COMPLETELY ON HIM TO GET TO DOC APPTS ETC......

WHAT THE FUCK?

How many times do I have to threaten to leave? How many times do I have to ask him if his bank account is ok and how many times has he LIED to me.

I sold my school books on Amazon from last semester for 146.00. I don't have a bank account ( because Jesse fucked it up ) so the money went into his account.... again money I WILL NEVER EVER SEE.

God dammmit!

I have nowhere to go. I can't just pick up and leave. I WANT TO. I WANT TO RIGHT NOW. I am tired of the lies, I am tired of not having money, I am tired of the fucking cats, I am tired of not being able to save any money because I have to constantly bail his ass out of shit.......

I AM TIRED.

I am so fucking sick of this shit.

I WANT OUT.

Eff it.

2009-01-20T09:01:00.002-05:00

Wow.....

I know its been awhile. Honestly, not much going on. I know... boring, right?

Have y'all seen the snow we have gotten over the last few days??? UGH. I am really tired of the white stuff and long to get out my denim skirts and cute tanks and adorable flip flops..... Is it July yet????

Things here have been ok. Kids are all doing great. Although Kevin is grounded again for hitting his sister.... one week no TV. It's killing him too..... yesterday he had off school for MLK day and he was pacing... literally PACING. But, he finished the book "Inkheart"... all 600 pages of it. I am so proud of him for tackeling that huge book. He loved it too, wants to get the 2nd and 3rd book too.... LOVE THAT...... he's so smart, I just don't get why he doesn't get that hitting is NEVER the answer when it comes to his sister......

Things with Jesse have sucked. Things are back to where they were...... I finally let out my frustrations to him on Sunday night and he just sat there and blamed me. I told him I want some appreciation for what I do around here and he just said "Ok, you go to work for me"......

He works 6:30 to 3pm, comes home and showers and then parks his ass on the bed ( because we STILL don't have a couch ) and thats where he stays while i clean up, make dinner, take care of the kids, clean up after dinner, clean up after the cats..... blah blah blah. He sleeps all the time. Again, while I do x, y, and z.

Im just tired of it.

And the cat situation is out of control again. TWENTY. yes, 20 cats are in this house. Not only are they fighting all the time but they are dirty as fuck and I am cleaning ALL THE GOD DAMNED TIME. I hate it. School starts this week, I won't have time to BS around with this shit. That and the fact that every 2 days he is buying a 15.00 bag of food. FIFTEEN DOLLARS..... the same size bag, I bought DAD's food last night for 2.69........ he tried to throw a fit and say "it will give them all diarrea....... I said OH WELL. I can't get near him in bed because there isn't a time where he doesn't have ATLEAST 8 cats on him. They sleep in between us. on top of him. under the blankets........ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Ive had it.

I finally broke about my resentment on paying his tickets that he got in my name too. He said "well why didn't you make me pay for them".... because it all comes out of the same place jerk!!!! UGH... JUST DONT GET TICKETS! that was my point. He didn't get it.

Fuck him. I am over it.

I have done nothing but pay ( financially and otherwise ) for his mistakes. It's making me crazy. How much is enough?????

and he is REALLY hard on Kevin too. Kevin does the dishwasher as one of his chores. And more often than not we find dishes that have a little dried up dishwasher crud on them..... well, everytime J finds a dish like that he says to me "tell YOUR son he better start doing this right"..... but awhile ago I found a few plates in the cupboard that JESSE unloaded and said to him "does this look clean to you?" and he says to me back "you let your son do it, I thought I could too" and at the time, it was a joke..... so I brought it up to him when he bitched about Kevin again the other day.... he was like NO YOU DIDNT FIND DIRTY DISHES WHEN I UNLOADED.... um yes, I did. NOTHING is EVER his fault.

EVER.

I hate that too.

All I want is appreciation, love and maybe a little help. Is that too much? oh and to be honest with me, because he is STILL talking to that girl from school...........

Boooooooooo!

2009-01-06T09:01:00.003-05:00

As many of you know, I do not have a license right now. It was suspended due to lapse of insurance, because we couldn't afford the insurance when we lived in our old house, we paid silly things like the rent first. Anyway, they suspended my license for it, and honestly I don't really NEED it, up until recently I was home all the damn time, so who cares, right?

Well, recently we got that second vehicle and I decided that maybe it be time for me to get my license back. So I contacted the DMV and found out what I have to do to get it back. All I have to do is pay 25.00 because it has been 2 years AND pay for the parking tickets I have outstanding.....

WHAT?

How is it possible that I have parking tickets? ESPECIALLY since I don't ever drive? And I am smart enough to know better when parking, I don't think I EVER got a parking ticket.

The DMV gives me the phone number for the Buffalo parking violations bureau and I call them. Well, getting through to them was a bitch. I won't lie. Once I did get through, the phone on the other end kept clicking and then I got a dial tone then a busy signal... it was messed up. So while on hold going through the menu about 47 times I looked them up online. I found out that you can look up your summons' online with your plate number. Cool. Let me see whats up here.

THREE tickets. from DOWNTOWN.

Oy.

Those who know me know that I DONT DRIVE DOWNTOWN BECAUSE I DONT KNOW DOWNTOWN BUFFALO. So where oh where did these tickets come from?

Yep, you guessed it.

Jesse.

BUT, they wrote them to me because the car was issued to me.

The total, including getting my registration back??? 175.90

WHAT????

yeah, so yet again I am paying financially to get Jesse out of a mess that he created using MY fucking name!!!!

I'm angry. But you know what? I will just pay it and move on. 2009 is supposed to be one without anger, right?

So this weekend, I have to pay water, my tickets, the cable/internet/phone, Bailee's dance class and her costume. I MIGHT have about 40 bucks left for some groceries.

Again, my entire "pay" GONE.

I'm so tired of this guys. I am going to have to pay 200.00 to get my license back and then get insurance this month too! ( the van is still in J's grandparents name ) PLUS registration on the van.... holy fuck. I am REALLY trying here and it's just not working!

So I decided to apply for a job. Delivering papers. It's one I can do on foot if I need to and I can take the kids if I need to. They haven't called me back yet. It will be an extra 200.00 per month ( maybe )

Im financially frustrated. If I had all the money back that I have bailed Jesse out with, I would be a rich woman. Seriously, and this goes back to when we were just dating. My mom even bailed him out once or twice. It's just never ending.

And its easy to say, JUST TAKE OVER THE BILLS! but in all honesty, I do pay everything but rent and groceries. I am taking over the bills, with my money. Well atleast I know they are getting paid.

I should probably shut up.

I know there are worse things that could happen.

shutting up now.

I just read a post about a friend who is drama centered and has to make everything about her.... btw, to that blog post-er, my former BFF was JUST like that.... omg. She still is, I mean remember I DO have a crush on her and thats the reason we aren't friends anymore, didn't ya know???? haha..... anyway, I am recently frustrated with a friend of mine who used to be there EVERY SINGLE DAY even just to chat and now, she is busy with boyfriends and other friends and mama is feeling left out. :(

Am I also being stupid on that note???? I just feel bad. At one time she knew everything about me and now she just doesn't know me much at all.

Boo.

Im going to go have a pity party.

and no, it's no one who reads this blog....lol.

2 in one week!!!

2008-12-31T09:54:00.002-05:00

My ex husband sucketh.

twice.

Last night I texted him and said "how have you been?"

He says, "Ive been ok I guess, I need to talk to you about something soon".

ummm, ok.

So I say, "what's up?"

He replies with some BS about how he wants to claim one of the kids on his tax return this year and how he REALLY tries to be a good ex husband and that I should atleast consider it.

In my mind I'm going.... NO.

In my heart I am going.... maybe.

So I wait a little while and I finally reply with, let me talk to Jesse about it and I will get back to you.

BIG mistake.

He apparently doesn't like Jesse. He comes back with "IM SUPPORTING HIS FUCKING CATS SO HE BETTER MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION".....

WOAH......

Because yes, apparently we are living on his child support.... 775 per month.

Yeah..... no.

Jesse buys food and pays for the rent.

A ROOF AND FOOD FOR HIS CHILDREN.

So I just let it go and say..... Im not asking him for his blessing, I am just saying that I have to include him on the conversation because if I don't I will get in trouble.

That pissed him off more.

Oy vay.....

Then he tells me how he didn't file taxes last year and that he got audited 2 years before that and that he NEEDS to claim one of the kids so maybe he won't owe money.

And that's my problem????

AND HE MAKES TOO MUCH FUCKING MONEY TO CLAIM THE KIDS AND HAVE IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE, but who am I to say that.

Anyway, I say, ok, I will get back to you.

Of course there was a few more texts about how shitty Jesse is in between there that I ignored.... but hey.....

So I just let it go.

I login to facebook and change my status to:

"@ngelena HATES fighting with him about money, it's the only thing we don't agree on"

His girlfriend saw it. She's on my friends list. I like her..... she's great. ( not a great "parent" but is a good friend, has been for years )

She says something to my ex. He texts me about how my status message makes him feel like not a good man and not a good father and that I am a huge raving shit ball. Oh and that he demanded to his gf that she is NOT to be friends with me anymore......

ummm, WTF????

And thats what I texted him. WTF dude.

He just kept texting and texting and I didn't even get a word in except WTF.

Then I said, wait..... WHO SAID YOU WERE A BAD PERSON AND HOW DID MY STATUS OFFEND YOU AND WHY CAN'T EM AND I BE FRIENDS ANYMORE????

He didn't respond.

Thing is..... those who know me didn't even THINK for a second that my status was about my ex. Because HELLOOOOO J and I have money probs all the fucking time... so WHY would he freak out?

He said something about Em being pissed at him. Whatever... not my problem.

He's not claiming the kids. Not my problem that he KEEPS FUCKING UP HIS TAXES so he OWES money. Mr Smarty Pants isn't so smart. SINGLE ZERO ASSHOLE. period.

Of course, 2 years and hasn't filed.... Im sure he owes a pretty penny. maybe that's why he freaked on me over nothing.... STRESSED MUCH?

UGH. Sometimes I really hate my situation. DIVORCE SUCKS PEOPLE.... SUCKS.

In other news... I pulled a 3.6 GPA this semester..... !!! YAYYYYY! 3 A's and a B- ( damn that Business English class...... )

oh and it's snowing.

lots.

Happy New Year! Anyone got great big plans????

Oh dear.... it's been way too long.

2008-12-29T14:07:00.002-05:00

OMG, it's been since early December since I posted??? wow. My apologies.

If we weren't running in circles EVERY FRICKIN DAY I might have had time to post things... sheesh... *** stop yelling at me.

haha.

So how was your christmas??? Mine was great! It stood for so much. My kids were happy. Jesse and I were happy. We spent the day with the family. They again showed me how wonderful a family can be...... It was amazing.

So yeah...... I have nothing really crappy to say other than J got into an accident with my car on the 23rd.

He hit a guard rail after spinning out on the MAJOR snow we had. Front bumper and lights are toast. He is fine..... of course, I mean he is pretty tough. BUT......

It's not insured. And not driveable. yes.

Not good at all.

BUT, it could be worse. Atleast we have the van so he can get back and forth to work. Looks like the car can be fixed, we just have to buy headlights. The bumper can be reattached. Until then, I have no second vehicle. I am praying that the car gets fixed before B goes back to school next week. PRAYING. I don't want to walk her in this freaky weather we have been having. Ugh. BUUUUUUT, I'm not going to stress about it because whatever will happen, will happen. right?

Anywhooooooooooo, that's really it.

So, how was your Christmas?

short and sweet

2008-12-09T10:17:00.003-05:00

Well hello there.

It's me. and yes, I am still alive.

WOW, it's been forever since I have posted. I am sorry.

Although, it's probably better I haven't posted. It's been a doozy.

Starting off with me changing medication ( the crazy meds ) because the one I have been on for the last year and a half was tearing my stomach to shreds. So the doc put me on this other medication which I am allergic to, apparently. Hives everywhere. Oh yeah, it's pretty. Anyway.... I originally went to the doc because I have TMJ. For those who don't know, my jaw is coming dislocated everytime I open my mouth. So, I am on steroids and pain meds for that too.

Fun times.

So since I am allergic to the crazy meds I stopped taking them 3 days ago. Today I am dizzy as fuck. I mean REALLY dizzy. I have a final exam at 12:30 today and another final presentation tomorrow for another class, so I took the old crazy meds this morning hoping that I would feel just a little better.... maybe better enough to drive myself to North campus to take my test today and not fail it because I cannot see the pages..... they are wiggly you know. oy.

So thats the deally-yo.

The kids are just getting over double ear infections. All 3 kids. Another round of visits to the docs office.

Kevin and Bailee missed almost a week of school. AGAIN.

BUT, I had parent teacher conferences yesterday and BOTH children are smartie pants'. BOTH children are doing great. BOTH children are showing signs of "advanced" learning. LOVE IT!

I warned Bailee's teacher about Justin next year.... his horns are not around right now, but be sure they will show their red pointy selves once Christmas has come and gone........ believe you me.....

My daughter turned 5 on Sunday.

yayyyyyyyy!

Can you guys believe it???? FIVE YEARS OLD!!! For some of you, that means I have known you for 5 whole years! This is the age Kevin was when all the crap happened with my ex husband. I just cannot believe how time flies. That also means that Jesse and I can celebrate our 5 year anniversary in January.......

wow.

We had a pretty good day for her birthday. Presents in the morning. Jesse's Xmas party for the kids at noon. Jesse's parents house for a party for Bailee and Justin at night. So fun.

Have I told you guys how much I love Jesse's family? Seriously. They are amazing people. They love my kids just like they were their own. They are such amazing people. ALL of them.

OH! Did I mention that Jesse's grandparents gave us their van???? Oh yeah! We are now the proud owners of a 2000 Olds Sillhouette. ( sp ) YUP! It's a mini van... and up until now I was COMPLETELY anti minivan, but you know what... its damn convenient to have it. For more reasons than just the kids. It's been a god send with all the doc and dentist appts..... It's amazing that they just GAVE it to us.

God I love that family.

and on that note.... I have to go pick up Bailee......

Excuse me, is that a kitten in your pocket?

2008-11-12T09:33:00.003-05:00

As I sit here writing to you fine people..... I have a kitten in my pocket. Why you ask? Well because mama gave birth last night and refuses to pay attention to the newborn and instead wants to carry around kittens who are almost 14 weeks old. WTF?

Yeah, we have a new kitten. No we are not keeping it. In fact, I almost have J convinced that 2 cats are just fine. The newest litter has 2 in it, but the 2nd kitten was born with its intestines and stomach outside of its body. It was born dead. Ick. Kevin was lucky enough to witness it. and yeah, it was gross. Especially when kitty ate the intestine and stomach. ** sorry were you eating?

Ok, enough about that.

In other news..... I got my school check last week. I paid a bunch of bills ( some were even surprises!!! it appears J has not paid things for a very long time..... so I, of course, had to bail him out.... AGAIN. ) I bought a BUNCH of groceries. 220.00 worth, to be exact. OMG..... what a mess. AGAIN. So I have child support coming this week and all but 260.00 of it is going for bills. AGAIN. Because apparently Jesse just doesn't get that he needs to talk to me about things..... or maybe he does now because I have paid everything, twice.... who knows. All I know is I don't make that much money..... and I have to buy and pay for things for the kids at school PLUS 80% of the bills and I just don't get it. This is the one thing that could break us. 5 years of the same shit! What's a girl to do? Just keep taking care of it???? yes. That's exactly what I will do.

sigh.

Allyn took Kevin to taekwondo on Saturday. He signed Kevin up for the 140.00 a month program to get his black belt..... WTF??? So I told him, I can't afford that. I already crunched numbers and I just cannot do it. He said, well can you pay some of it? I said, yeah. Then he said, can you pay 40.00 of it? I said, yeah. So I guess that's what I will be doing..... he better fucking pay it. I swear to god. I am done dealing with phone calls about Jesse not paying his god damned bills or bouncing checks...... I swear I will freak if I have to do that for Al too.

Did I tell you that Jesse bounced a check to Bailee's dance studio for a fucking fund raiser???? oh yeah, I got that call last week. I had to pay an extra 15.00 on an 18.00 check.... super fun. lemme tell ya.... and way fucking embarassing too.

So how y'all doin?????

I'm done talking about money.

fuck it. I will just take care of it like I always fucking do.... and when J is making 21.00 an hour in June I will fucking freak on him and MAKE him pay ALL THE FUCKING BILLS......because seriously, he makes enough now, why would I still have to pay the bills on 775.00 a month???? Fuckers.

OKAYYYYYYY.......

I am still doing ok in school. I pulled a B+ on my Business English class which I thought I would pull a C in. That means I am still in good economic standing and will be able to keep my financial aid... YAYYYYYY! I'm ready for next semester to start tho. I think I am going to keep all my classes online this time around...... I mean, it's fun going to school, but it's a lot of moving things around just so I can leave for an hour and a half. Ya know?

Anywhooo.

Al's taking the kids again this weekend because last weekend was a makeup weekend because he was sick and had tickets to the football game so I kept the kids home instead of A) exposing them to get sick and B) trying to explain to them why they had to come home early so their father could go to the football game..... yeah, father of the year called, they want their award back.

seriously.....

But, atleast he took B to the doc a couple weeks ago for me and he took Kevin to tae kwon doe on saturday because I was at dance class with B. Always look at the positive, right????

I guess I should do some homework. I have class tonight. Booooooooooooo!

Oh and I have to go get B soon........

Bad news/good news

2008-10-31T09:24:00.003-04:00

First off, some pictures. Bailee had a field trip to the pizzeria down the street from her school. She had a blast. She got to eat pizza, watch cartoons and get her hands dirty. She was a happy lil gal..... fo realz. Check out the pics that another mom took.........

Bailee and her partner for the trip. Elizabeth. Or in Bailee's language "ewizabef"

Awwwwwwwwww, so cute.

I could not have taken a better picture myself. She is just so gorgeous! LOVE IT!

In other news......

Jesse fucked up the money AGAIN. 4th week in a row. This means we are scraping the bottom of the barrel for food.... AGAIN. I am so angry. Because this could have been avoided. He doesn't tell me things and I think everything is honkey dory ( because it was when he didn't have direct deposit before this mess ) It makes me so mad. So this week I told him he BETTER find a way to get us groceries WITHOUT involving me...... then he drops a bomb on me. He needs to pay the last payment for rent.

See, we have been paying rent every week. He arranged that with our landlords the last week of September. So, technically, since this week is a 5 week month, we should be free and clear this week. But no.... he lied to me AGAIN. He said "the payment plan didn't start until the second week of October.... BULLSHIT. I know for a fact it started the first week of October. That means when I asked you if you were paying rent for the last 4 weeks YOU LIED TO ME AGAIN YOU FUCKER. AHHHHHH.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Do I need to leave? If I wasn't so effing embarassed I would post pics of my fridge, which is empty except for milk and juice and a 2 liter of diet pop. He says he will have the problem fixed by tonight. We'll see.

I'm so tired of this guys. TIRED. There is no reason we can't survive on what he makes. Let alone when I get child support. WHY am I paying everything with my child support? WHERE is his money going?

He wrote a BUNCH of checks for the kids stuff ( pictures, tae kwon doe, Bailee's dance ) and bounced them causing an overdraft and then did the same thing with a check for the phone bill, which bounced and was taken out of his check this week leaving us with 72.00 for food. *** granted not nearly as bad as previous weeks when we had ZERO dollars left.... but we are out of EVERYTHING. And we bargain shop, buy bare min, and coupon clip. Believe me. Fuck. I am worried. Because he has to pay rent too. The landlord called last night looking for the payment. He told them he would have it today after work. Oh really??? are you going to pull it out of your ass???

I feel HORRIBLE, because I HAD NO IDEA.

Bailee has strep. For the FIRST TIME EVER Allyn took her to doc for me. I had 2 tests to makeup on Tuesday night and a midterm and review on Wednesday night so there was NO WAY I could take her. So Allyn took her. Both he and his gf have strep now..... UGH! I had hoped B would feel better by tonight, I am still praying. I want her to be able to trick or treat tonight.

Kevin is better tho! ...... Justin is complaining his ear hurts.

JUST KILL ME NOW!

I am so effing stressed out right now.

The good news is that I pulled a B+ grade in Business English, even tho I got a 66 on the midterm exam and I got an A in my Information Management class. The other 2 classes I don't know yet.....

Oh and the other good news??? On Monday, because it was sent out today, I am getting a 1500.00 check from school. It's my leftover grant money. THANK GOD. On Monday, I am going to pay for the insurance for 1 year. Buy out the entire grocery store and kick Jesse in the ass.

twice.

Picture time!!!

2008-10-27T12:34:00.005-04:00

After a long day....... of hats. lol.

Jesse looking pretty content. You know, when J got dressed yesterday in this shirt, Bailee asked "did you get that from American Eagle?" ..... she knows the eagle emblem. ***sniff sniff... I'm so proud

Bailee had a hat too. lol.

I know, he's handsome..... Look at the view outside that window behind him.... I could stare at that all day.

I can try, can't I???? Atleast Justin is looking at me and smiling. SIGH.

GO SABRES! ( I had to take this jersey back that I bought for Jesse for his birthday.... LONG story. )

Meet Paco. He likes his big hat and was dancing around singing "chickachicka boom boom" while wearing it.

Bailee's Prek picture. Isn't she beautiful???? I love her eyes in this picture. I am such a proud mama.

The piece d'resistannnce.... Kevin. And no he's not 14. OMG, WHEN did he grow up so much???? Wow... how handsome is he? I mean really. Talk about mama going to have to beat the girls off of him with a stick........a big stick ;)

Memory Lane.... a pictorial.

2008-10-16T17:36:00.006-04:00

So in the spirit of my buds...... here's my list of things I remember from childhood. And believe me, I could keep going. Wow the memories.

Oh yeah, you know you all had one.... a hair crimper. Ah yes the memories.

NKOTB, FOREVAHHHHH!

Both the cartoon AND the dolls. I had all the dolls..... and watched the cartoon when I could go to my aunts to watch cable...lol

Barbie and the Rockers. Oh yeah..... they each came with their own cassette tape and they all totally rocked out to it. Well, atleast in my barbie world they did ;)

My very first cassette tape. Janet Jackson, Control. Oh yes, I was NASTAYYYY!

Crystal Castle from She-Ra. This was THE BEST Xmas gift I ever got. My mom had just had surgery and my dad went out with my aunt and went Xmas shopping for me. He picked this as one of my gifts and I LOVED IT.
Hugga Bunch. OMG, I wanted one of these SOOOOO bad, and I never got one :( I have thought about buying one "for Bailee" from ebay....lol
Catra. My favorite She-Ra doll. Also my first she-ra doll. She was hot, and she got to sleep in the queen bed from crystal castle ;)

Please tell me you remember Faygo pop. It tasted like ass but I totally drank it every chance my parents gave me. It was a "treat"....lol.

Poop.

2008-10-15T09:58:00.003-04:00

So after having gotten rid of the BS from the weekend.... I had a pretty good day yesterday.
Kevin had tae kwon do yesterday after school so the kids and I walked up to watch a bit. Seriously, I don't know what I would do without these kids. Although Kevin is going through this change in hormones or whatever.... he keeps me smiling and Justin and Bailee are both full of laughs and tickles. Seriously.... all cuteness. I couldn't imagine my life without them.

Look at those faces. I mean really. How cute are they???? **** ok so I am biased... but still.

I have about a half an hour before I have to leave to go pick up Bailee. This walking shit is really tiring me out.... last night I was in bed around 9 and fell asleep before J got home from school. I think he was kinda mad about that......

So he got paid yesterday. On time, which I thought it would be delayed a day with the holiday... but whatever. 140.00 gone from his account because he bounced shit. Of course, he has direct deposit now.... which he did not before. 140.00 could have paid 95% of the insurance bill. That pisses me off. But whatever, I will bail his ass out AGAIN. as usual.

Am I wrong to resent that a little? I mean it would be different if he made an honest mistake somewhere.... but seriously.... almost all the tax return was taken for his student loans. A tax return he got for having MY KIDS in his house.......and now MORE MONEY has to go to bail his ass out of this insurance mess? ( and those are just TWO examples, trust me, there are A LOT more ) All of this just because he can't spend what he HAS and not what he DOESNT HAVE.

UGH!

Im going to stop talking about it because alls it does is make me angry.

I wonder when my refund check will come from my grants for school...... I can't call them because they are "too busy" and cannot take messages.... grrr.

Speaking of school.....

I have class tonight. I wish I didn't have to go because J and I just pass each other in the hallway most nights and it would be nice to have a night with him......... sigh. Oh well..... keep on truckin!!!!!!!

I asked Allyn to see the kids more. Turns out he couldn't answer my text/voicemail message last weekend because he and bunch of his "friends" were in Ithaca camping and wine tasting. That pissed me off.... so I nicely just sent him a short email and asked him to see the kids more. I doubt he will respond. 2 nights a month is NOT a father. But according to him, paying child support makes him a good father. whatever.... maybe it does....... but these kids need more than money.

**** don't get me wrong. I am thankful that he pays.... when he does.... but the kids need their dad. I see other single fathers taking their kids to dinner during the week or taking them half the week or whatever.... why couldn't we work that out? ya know? It would be a lot of work, but hey, so is everything.

Fuck it.

I'm so emotionally spent. After the weekend and just plain everything else. Im pooped.

Oh well, guess I should do some homework.

blech.

Money

2008-10-14T11:46:00.002-04:00

After a really crappy weekend here I am.

I need you guys to know that the kids had 3 meals ( normal portioned ) everyday. They had juice and really didn't notice anything different. I did not eat normally. Jesse did, because he is diabetic and the children did because they are by far the most important things in my life.

Here's what happened.

We normally go grocery shopping on Wednesday nights. Because he gets paid. We haven't been able to go grocery shopping because I have school, he has school Tuesday and Thursday and since he was put back on the day shift we have not gone all out grocery shopping. ( we were shopping during the day while he was home ) Last time we went grocery shopping we got 250.00 worth of food that lasted us until Thursday ( probably a month ). That's planned meals. Friday night I had some burger in the freezer and we had mac n cheese and rice with them. That officially emptied out the freezer.

Saturday night I made leftovers for the kids and Jesse said he was going to run to the store to get something for us. I thought that was weird. But whatever...... so I suggested pizza rolls and salad for us. ( I was lazy and it is a cheap meal ) So he went to the store and bought a small bag of pizza rolls and toilet paper. I thought this was weird because he eats a lot more pizza rolls and that is clearly not enough for us. So I thought about it and asked him how much money he has. He told me "enough".......

It aggravates me when he does this. It is pretty easy to say "Im low on cash" and to do it NOT AT THE LAST MINUTE........ but no. he waited until the last minute.

So sunday morning we get up, I finish my cereal, Jesse finishes his and the kids eat the last of the cereal. We are now out of cereal. shit. I'm thinking, ok, he can run out later.

Lunch time comes, the kids finish up the pasta and sauce. I eat a salad with the rest of the salad ingredients. I am REALLY upset at this point.

I KNOW that he doesn't have money and yet he refuses to tell me and the more I think about it the more scared I get because there are NO snacks to fall back on, there is NOTHING in the cupboard and I am SCARED.

We manage to wrangle up a pack of chicken that has been in the fridge that I thought was bad. We have chicken and rice for dinner.

Monday comes along. Cereal is gone. I just used up the last of the bread for the kids for toast. I go into my room and tell Jesse he better find a way to get money.

The scrap he said he had to return??? yeah.... nada. NOTHING. So he starts texting me from outside to ask BOB if he has any money we can borrow. WHAT???? He also said he asked his sister... WHAT??????? I told him he better get on the phone with someone because I am about ready to lose my shit.

He starts searching through the house for change. I had 1.50 in my purse and he took that and got peanut butter and bread ( we had jelly ) and I ate pb&j and so did the kids. FINALLY he gets ahold of his grandfather and borrows 40.00 to get groceries for Monday and Tuesday. ( he should get paid today ) We BARELY get enough but we finally have enough food in the house for 3 meals a day until Wednesday morning.

So we are at the grocery store and I am loading into the trunk...... I see a pile of mail in the trunk. CAR INSURANCE.... in COLLECTION... which means that it's been cancelled for ATLEAST 2 months. WHAT??????

I am PISSED. not only did HE create this issue this weekend where I stressed so fucking much my stomach felt like someone was stabbing me.... but he LIED about the bills being paid AGAIN. AND NOW I am going to have to spend my college refund grant check to fix this car situation. I had PLANS for that fucking money. Like, Justin needs a bed!!!! GOD DAMMIT. I am so tired of bailing him out. Oh, and I told him that he has to drive me to and from school until the car situation is fixed. because its his fucking mistake HE is going to get in trouble for driving a car without insurance.... NOT ME.

So we get home and I lay into him. He is in tears. I was SCREAMING at him that he has to fucking tell me this shit!!! I could have not paid the cable bill with my cs and paid the fucking insurance! OR I could have paid it all!!!! ( it would have taken every penny I had, but so what!!! ) He just doesn't think. He doesn't tell me this shit until its too late and now we are in trouble again. AGAIN with the fucking insurance. GOD DAMMIT! I had no idea. I mean how could i???? I paid cable, gas, phone and got some groceries. WHY could he not pay rent and the insurance??? thats all the bills we have.... THATS IT! WHY can't we afford this place???? ( he fucking asked me that ) I SAID WE CAN!!!! I PAY 70% of the fucking bills WHERE THE FUCK DOES YOUR MONEY GO????

I think his bank account is fucked up again and I think he has been hiding this shit from me because he is afraid.

He told me it upsets him to see me upset about money.

I told him THEN TELL ME THE FUCKING TRUTH! I can help you figure this out!!!

Is it EVER going to change?????

We BARELY made it through this one. BARELY.

I am getting cs this weekend and I am getting the kids' halloween costumes and new winter coats/hats/gloves and I am going to have to pay the gas bill again and probably the cable bill. I am also going to stock the fuck up on food. The rest is going in a hiding spot in my room ( all but 150.00 of it so I can pay the past due insurance but Im not sure I will have enough for a downpayment for a new policy ) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

As I type I have no idea how the fuck I am supporting this house on 775 a month.

Well, minus him paying the rent. I will say that he has paid that. But, he makes 17.00 an hour. Where is the rest of it going?

Trouble.

2008-10-13T09:03:00.002-04:00

So....

I got some rest this weekend.

Thats the only good thing about the weekend tho......

J fucked up the finances again. We haven't been grocery shopping in about 3 weeks. We literally don't even have bread in the house. I have no money because I had to pay cable, gas, groceries AND phone out of my cs last month......

It's been rough.

I haven't eaten. Mostly because I want the kids to eat. Jesse took today off from work ( not smart, I know ) to take copper back so we can get some groceries.

I NEVER want to be in this position again. My cupboards are empty, the freezer is literally empty and my fridge has juice and milk in it. I don't even have pasta in the house! I have one bag of white rice.... and some butter. Thats it. I wish I was exaggerating.

I spent the day crying yesterday. I tried contacting Al so I could get 20-30.00 advance on cs which he will pay on friday. He never returned my text, well, he did, but not until 7pm and only to say he would have to look at his account.

Im aggravated because I feel like I am doing everything. Paying bills, taking care of the house and school..... I could get a job. School full time, kids school and activities and everything else I do will not allow it. There just isn't enough hours in the day.

I am so stressed out and tired mentally. As I type this, Jesse is still in bed. I'm glad he gets the day off from work to sleep.

not.

Moods of a 9 year old.

2008-10-08T14:39:00.004-04:00

Well, here I am.

Ugh.

Y'all, I am so effing busy ALL THE TIME that I just want to curl up and sleep for days. It's making me feel very........well...... fragile. ( that must be italian! )

I am trying so hard to cope with everything effectively and efficiently. It's working for the most part..... until something doesn't go my way and I lose my shit.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

I have class tonight. I have to give an oral report on flash memory. I wrote the report well so I should be able to convey my thoughts vocally.... right? ick. I hate assignmements like this.

J's sister had surgery today. She had her tubes tied. She's not even 30. AND she only has 1 child. It makes me sad. I wish I could convince her otherwise, but nope. I tried. I hope she's doing well.

Other than that, Kevin joined this 2 week tae kwon do class. It's after school and he had his first class yesterday. He LOVED it. The only problem??? He came home and had to do homework. Then we went to get something to eat. Needless to say he got to bed around 8:30, which is later than usual, since they are up at 6am EVERY SINGLE DAY. He was cranky as fuck this morning. Guys, I have no idea what I am doing wrong with him. He is so moody and cranky. I know it's just a phase, but I miss my sweet little boy who used to want to watch TV with me and snuggle. Now I'm lucky if I can pull him away from fighting with his brother and sister long enough to eat dinner. It's making me nuts. NUTS. Last night I was in tears. I am just tired of the fighting and tired of the mouthy responses. I tried blaming Allyn. I mean Kevin only sees his father 2 nights a month. ( not by my choice ) So I called Allyn this morning and had full intentions of talking to him about increasing visitation.... but would that be a good thing???? Allyn tries to get rid of the kids early EVERY time he sees them. Do I really want to push???? Do I want the fight? No, I just want a happy little boy who loves me. That's all.

Is that too much to ask?

yo.

2008-10-01T09:23:00.002-04:00

I just want everyone to know that it was a very wet walk to Bailee's school this morning. I debated on keeping her home and probably should have since I only have 2 umbrellas and 3 people walking..... but hey, she is working on perfect attendance dammit!

UGH.

Im SOOOOO cold and wet. I have to go back in an hour. This time WITH justin. Should be fun.

Anywho.......

Are y'all tired of me talking about my issues with J? I know my longtime friends HAVE to be. Today, I just have 1 complaint..... give me some help around the house please. and thank you.

Other than that, J and I are doing well. The kids are doing well with J, which is most important to me. Maybe it's my attitude that creates issues within J which makes him crabby for everyone???? hmmmmm. revelation! So yeah, I am no longer being a giant bitch and trying REALLY hard to make this work.

I have only talked to B occassionally. I am trying to phase him out with hopes that he won't go crazy on my ass. He seems REALLY into me, which is not good. I made a mistake. A big one. Now I need to concentrate on my family. That's number one and should have been all along. I can be happy with J as long as things stay even. ya know?

Plus I know he's a "life-r" and wouldn't leave me or the kids. That is SO important to me.

Anywho..... I don't update as much as I should because honestly I am busy as fuck ALL THE DAMN TIME. Between walking Bailee to and from school and cleaning up after these effing cats ---- know anyone who wants a kitten? I have 4 that are ready.... if they don't go soon they are going to a farm. Along with Ozzy who is a giant pain in my ass.... let me know--- and of course then there's homework. OMG the homework! I'm doing ok tho.......... JUST BUSY!

So lemme know whats going on with all of you.

hit me with some comments - yo.

Update.

2008-09-29T15:07:00.002-04:00

I know you all are dying to know.....

Well.........

B and I would never work. There have been some new developments that I just don't see working out. I am working on things with Jesse and have been for a couple weeks and am actually starting to feel a connection with him again. I am REALLY trying.

I know, your all tired of hearing that, aren't you?

He has his bad points and I believe that the last few talks I had with him worked those out in his head that he WILL lose me if it continues. I had never been so serious before the most recent talks. I was ready to leave. He knows it. End of story.

In other news........

nothing!

I am doing ok in school except for Business English. I will be lucky if I pull a C in that class. MAYBE a low B. Everything else is straight A's..... as it should be considering its all computer classes...haha.

I am having a heck of a time with my oldest son. K has attitude and REALLY is emotional and whiny lately. I had a long talk with J's sister last night and it seems that her son is going through the same thing. They are the same age. So I am REALLY hoping its a phase. ****** BEGGING.

Other than that not too much going on. I am busy as fuck and J is FINALLY off second shift. THANK GOD. Sooooooo he will be home soon.

Guess I should go clean up.

GAWD I AM SO TIRED.

My mother's funeral service

2008-09-18T14:09:00.005-04:00

The service was very nice.

It was located on UB's campus and there were about 50 people there. Maybe more......

Jesse, me and his mom went.

Everyone else bailed. Even Allyn...... after he and his mom told me that they would come. They BOTH bailed. Al just didn't show up and Al's mom emailed me saying she couldn't make it.

I am having a VERY hard time not emailing or calling Allyn. But that is for another day.

There was NO ONE there from my family but me. *** ALL THOSE PEOPLE that pushed me out so they could be "in" couldn't break away from their day to remember my mother.

But that, is for another day because emotionally, I am not ready to go there. Today was VERY hard.

I just bombed a test because of my emotional state..... but i HAD to take it today.

I'm going to go lay down now. More details later.

The locator info

2008-09-18T14:09:00.002-04:00

Hey all.....

So it looks like there is some question on the locator that is on my phone.

No, Jesse did not tell me he put it on there. He was on the Sprint website and he must have downloaded it to his phone and used my number as a "point of interest" because I got a text message from Sprint saying that Jesse's phone number can now locate me. So it is like an application that you can get on your phone. He can search me because we are on the same plan. I wouldn't have known if Sprint hadn't have sent me that text message.

Dumb move on his part because I was PISSED.

Anywho.... that's the scoop.

cuteness

2008-09-16T16:21:00.003-04:00

We now interrupt this blog to bring you the following cuteness.

Bailee's second day of school. She is SO grown up, I just couldn't resist a photo op.

Oh yes, a dancing photo...... ain't she cute????

Her class :) Waiting for the teacher. I can't get photos of her dancing because they close the door and don't really let parents in. I will try next time :)

Wow.

2008-09-16T16:06:00.002-04:00

I am sitting here listening to Justin scream at EVERYTHING and my head is just about to explode.

I am tired of the fighting.

I am tired of the "NO!" and the "I HATE YOU"

I am tired of Bailee not listening.

I am tired of getting lip from Kevin everytime I ask him to do one of his chores of which he gets PAID to do.

I am TIRED.

I am fucking tired.

I am seconds from tears. My head is going to fucking explode.

I NEED A FUCKING BREAK.

I tried to get one Saturday night. I went to a party....... I was gone from 9pm until 12pm. At that time I got a text that said that Jesse had installed a locator on my phone. To find out where I was. I got PISSED. and it ruined my night so I just went home.

I love being watched when all I wanted was a little break.

Because GOD KNOWS that my boyfriend does NOTHING when he lays in bed until 10am while I am up at 6:30am to shower and get the kids ready for school and try to clean up a little.

I am doing a full time courseload of school. Taking care of the kids and the house. Cooking dinner by myself every night and trying to make sure that Kevin practices his baratone and does his homework and cleaning up after the cats..... ( which is better because half of them have been treated with vet grade flea treatment )

I have been cleaning carpets for 2 days. ( thank god )

But I AM FUCKING INSANELY EXHAUSTED AND TIRED AND TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER BUT JUST LOST IT WHEN JUSTIN SCREAMED AT ME FOR @ MINUTES AND MY HEAD EXPLODED ALL OVER THE LIVING ROOM WALL.

fuck.

On top of that.....

My mother's funeral is on Thursday.

I can't go to class on wednesday night because I don't have a ride there and back and no one to watch the kids.....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

Calgon, take me away!

So tell me.......

2008-09-10T17:14:00.002-04:00

What do you think about computer addiciton?????

Boring, I know... but hey, we are learning, aren't we????

Wayyyyy too much school going on here.

2008-09-09T14:16:00.002-04:00

Wow, it's been forever.

Sorry.

Everyone started school. Including me..... and hi, my name is divorcedandsassy and I am a college student at 32... ahemmmm, yes I said that out loud.

Wow, I am taking 12 credit hours of classes. That averages out to like 4 classes. 3 are online and keeping me busy as hell and 1 I actually have to go to. Lucky for me, all of my classes this round are computer centered. That means I get to play with programs and shit. Mostly new stuff. Kinda hot, right?

So the one class I have to go to is every wednesday night. I am the second YOUNGEST one in the class. I LOVE that. And, the professor is Jesse's nephews computer teacher. ( small world, I know ) so her and I are like "this".

I am doing well in all my classes. My grades range from a 95 to 100 on homework and tests. I am doing well and not getting too stressed out. So, it is goooooooooooood.

Bailee starts school tomorrow. **sniff sniff.......

I can't believe it. I mean, it's only PreK, but still. I can't believe how much she's growing up!!!! I will post pictures tomorrow...... *** I am getting teary eyed already!

Kevin started FOURTH grade last week. He's another one that's just growing TOO FAST! FOURTH GRADE!!! wow. I don't even know where the time went. He's so smart and getting so big. I don't even know what to do.

I posted a ton of pics from the first day of Kevin's school on my myspace site. Take a looksie.

Anywhooooo, Jesse started school too. AND he's working 2nd shift so we are back to never seeing each other. I'm lonely on days like this. It's cold and time for snuggling.

booooooooo for being lonely.

Oh, and Bailee is in dance class. She has her second class on Saturday. I will be taking pictures of that too. She didn't have her clothes for class so I didn't take pics on her first day. But after MUCH shopping around for the best prices, we got her a leotard and tights. Her shoes are next.... but still. SO EFFING CUTE!!!

I guess that is all. I am off to do more homework.

peace out.

Titanic

2008-09-05T20:48:00.003-04:00

I am sitting here in the dark in my living room. Listening to the TV play the sounds of the movie Titanic.......

Such memories.

I remember my trip to Ithaca with Allyn. We were together a couple of weeks.... if that. We drove in his S10 pickup down to Ithaca because I asked him to. Because I needed to get away. He took me to meet his father and step mother.......

We got there late and decided to see a movie. The movie? Titanic.

That weekend was the most amazing weekend. We stayed in a hotel the first night, after the movie. He made me feel amazing. We had champagne. In fact, I still had the cork until the day I packed up his clothes after he left. 7 years later.

7 years is a long time.

I saw him tonight. For the first time in a long time. He looked good and was about to celebrate his 33rd birthday with his new found friends at some place called "wine thief". For a moment, I was jealous.......

And then to turn on the TV and see that Titanic is the only thing worth watching on my 300 channels.

sigh.

What a night......... alone.

I hate second shift.

Update on the cat situation

2008-08-29T13:17:00.001-04:00

Shannon came and took 6 cats.

6 down, 15 more to go.

Cats

2008-08-29T08:14:00.003-04:00

So last night I decided to bring up getting rid of the cats.

Since I have had A LOT of "talks" with Jesse lately I figured since he promised me we would get rid of the cats..... it's about time for another talk.

The convo:

me: Shannon has a friend who has a farm and she's willing to take all the cats so they can be together.

Jesse: WHICH CATS????

Me: all of them except Jax and Marly, oh and lola and her kittens. But they can go once they are all old enough.

Jesse: BUT THEY ARENT OUTSIDE CATS!

Me: They are cats, they will adapt. And they will get to live together.

Jesse: silence.

Me: getting angry.

He doesn't plan on getting rid of any cat.

Here's the thing.

The cats piss on MY SIDE of the bed atleast 3-4 times a week. Thus causing me to wash all my bedding 3-4 times a week....... causing us to go through a bottle of laundry soap once a week.

The cats piss on the carpet in ATLEAST 4-5 different spots EVERYDAY.

The cats shit in various spots..... mostly its kitten shit that I find but today, it was adult shit.

The food bill for 21 cats???? A medium sized bag of cat food.... at 13.99 a bag, EVERY 3 DAYS!!!!

The litter bill???? 1 28 pound bucket of litter every 3 days ( sometimes less ) those are around 11.00 a bucket.

So yet again, the cats are out of food, the litter boxes haven't been done in 2 days cuz we are out of litter. We need just about EVERY grocery there is. I have school supplies to get.

I am fucking stressed out.

There's isn't enough money to support these cats. I want them out. I will find a way to get rid of them today.

Edited to add.....

We are not allowed to have posters on the walls in the kids' rooms. Because of the cats. We are not allowed to have curtains hanging or to buy new blinds. Because of the cats. The carpet in this apartment is TORN UP and will have to be replaced when we move. Because of the cats. We lost a cable box because the cats pissed on it. The kids toys are all in sealed bins because the cats have pissed inside their bins MORE THAN ONCE. I can't keep ANYTHING out that is related to food.... like if I bake brownies or take something out for dinner to thaw.... because of the cats. My 100 year old snake charmers basket from my great grandfather is ruined. because of the cats. Justin has a thomas the tank backpack full of trains that he carries around with him that the cats have pissed in NUMEROUS times. He got a new wooden train from the Elmwood Art Festival and as soon as he brought it home the cats pissed on it. Kitty has attacked Justins face and Kevins legs ( and my legs for that matter ) to the point of tears on all 3 of us. I have to take Bailee's bedding off her bed everyday because the cats sleep up there and they all have fleas and leave flea poop and blood spots all over causing me to vaccuum her bed every night before she gets into it.... and wash her sheets everyday. Now, Kevins bed has to be vaccuumed every night and his sheets have to be washed everyday because of the flew poop and eggs. My landlords are claiming that they have fleas now..... they don't have animals. Bailee is going to have to start sleeping in Kevin and Justins room because her room doesn't have a door ( the landlords are fixing it ) and the disgusting flea spots I found on her PILLOW today mean that will be a permanent situation. I don't have a lot of cupboard space so I was storing things like chips and cereal on top of the fridge..... until the other day I was cleaning and found a puddle of cat piss on top of the fridge.

The list goes on.

WHY doesn't he see a problem????

WHY?

update

2008-08-26T09:39:00.003-04:00

Wow, I don't even know where to start.

Jesse and I have had a million conversations about what I am going to do. I have told him that I am leaving him....... I have told him that I don't love him anymore...... I have told him that I have a friend that I care A LOT about.......

The responses I get???? In order of the things I told him above.

I don't want Justin to grow up with a broken home.

Don't you think every couple goes through this????

Im not very happy about it, but what can I do?

oy vay.

This is A LOT harder than I thought.

I don't want to hurt him. I just want some sort of happiness and right now that happiness comes with Bob and his kids. He is amazing in EVERY way. He makes me laugh, smile and feel amazing with everything he says to me. He is so sweet and so caring towards my kids...... god I just want a GOOD father for my kids.

ya know????

I want someone who won't be mad when the kids are cutting paper. I want someone who would be happy to see Kevin and Bailee come home from a weekend away. I want someone who won't ignore them..... all of them.

Is that so bad?

And right now, Bob is amazing and the kids actually ASK when he's coming over. Jesse doesn't stand a chance in these kids' eyes as long as Bob is around.

Ugh.

Bob spent the day here yesterday. He got out of work around 7am and came right over. He was here until 3:15pm...... he had to go back to work at 7pm and work until 7am so he needed sleep. Otherwise I would have kept him here all frickin day. God he is amazing.

Other than the Bob thing, not too much going on here. I am trying to get the kids ready for school but of course Allyn had to go and fuck that whole thing up.

I got child support for August on the 8th. I paid my half the rent, got some groceries and got the children each 3 outfits for the first week of school. I also got them both sneakers. That pretty much ate up all the money.......

The reason I only got them 3 outfits was because child support was due again on 9/6 and I thought that on that weekend I could go get them 3 more outfits and maybe a pair of dressier shoes. The kids start school on 9/3. See my logic???

So I would pay my half the rent and get the kids set for a full week of school. Supplies are coming out of Jesse's check this week. Which means we will be a-ok, right????

WRONG.

See, Allyn has been driving a company truck since the spring. He has known that he would need to get his own car by the end of the summer since then. So, what does he do???? He buys a motorcycle. He tells me that he bought it because he needed to get something to drive to and from work after August 31.

So this past week I check with him about the date of child support. He asks me to sign online.

ugh, here we go.

So he says he was going to ask if he could pay child support on 9/19 instead. Why? because he has to buy a car by the end of the summer.

So I ask, innocently.... what about your motorcycle? can't you drive that? I have to get the kids the rest of their school stuff.

He FLEW off the handle at me. OMG. He FREAKED. He said its none of my business and that I KNEW that the kids needed school stuff for the whole summer and WHY is it coming up now.

whoah.

So I say, I didn't mean to make you angry. I was just asking.

He flew off the handle again.

Saying things like he is tired of supporting 2 extra people in this house and that I am not doing my share in raising these kids.

whoah again.....

I get mad and say..... ok, Im going to go now.

and I end the IM session.

WTF?????

So he texts me and says "the worst part is that you don't even know why I am mad"

OMG......

then he texts me and says if I want to talk to sign back online.

So I do ( mistake, I know )

and he goes on and on about how he's tired of supporting J and J and that his money needs to be used for the kids and the kids only and that this shit had to stop.

So apparently, his 775 dollars per month is supporting this family of 5, didn't you know that?????

Cuz that's what it takes to support a family of 5.

yeah MAYBE IF WE LIVED ON THE STREETS!

Fuck him

So he has been an asshole to me ever since.

He wants to pay cs in the middle of the month. Ok fine. Im ok with that. But he didn't have to be an ass about it.

fucker.

God love ex husbands.......

Oh and he's now fucking TWO secretaries from work.

OMG

2008-08-20T11:30:00.002-04:00

I hate this.

I am torn between leaving and staying.

I have my reasons for both and they are damn good ones. I just wish I could leave and live alone. I wish it didn't have to be with someone. I wish I could afford my own place. I am scared to jump into another relationship and to end up like I am now..... I have spent the last 12 years of my life "trapped" and I don't want to be that way anymore.

Is that so wrong?

7 years with Allyn and 5 years with Jesse. WHY do I do this to myself?

On Monday Jesse stayed home from work. When we returned home from getting something for lunch the cat was on the porch that I threw out last week Friday. He saw the cat and the cat looked ragged and ran from us. Jesse asked me if I REALLY gave the cat to a friend. I said yes because there were kids around and I really didn't want a fight. So I told the kids to go outside and play in the back yard and I stayed in the house to talk to Jesse. I told him the truth....... he got pissed.

PISSED.

So we fought for the entire afternoon. I told him to get out, he wouldn't leave. Then he said I could leave and leave Justin with him. I said NO FUCKING WAY. Then we argued. I calmed down and told him that he KNOWS how this works. He was with me when I divorced Allyn and he KNOWS that custody ALWAYS goes with the mother. He just walked away. I sat on my bed and thought OMG, he will put Justin through this just to spite me. Then I pictured me leaving and him tugging on Justin and Justin crying.

I can't do this guys. I don't want to screw up my kids. It seems that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't at this point.

Allyn wants me out of here. He HATES Jesse. I want out because Jesse annoys the fuck out of me sometimes. And don't get me started on these cats. I do love Jesse in some ways. I am just not IN LOVE with him.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Help.

Cats

2008-08-15T09:10:00.002-04:00

Well, it seems we now have 21 cats in the house. We had a pregnant kitty and didn't even know it. She had one kitten last night, in the middle of our bed.

No I haven't slept.

Yes I am crabby as fuck.

Let me just say...... Willow, who had the 6 kittens awhile ago is VERY protective of her little ones. Kitty, who had a kitten last night is also VERY protective. Kitty and Willow have to be separated. They have already been in about 3 fights this morning thus involving the other male cats who hurt Jesse the other day making it for a VERY uncomfy situation in my house...... Kitty was freaking out because a male cat was growling and she attacked my leg. I am cut up pretty bad. I called Jesse crying and he said "we will handle it this weekend"...... and behind my breath I was saying BULLSHIT. I WILL HANDLE IT NOW!

He said "Im sorry it has come to this"......

yeah, me too.

Fuck my leg hurts.

I want to thank you all for your support in my post yesterday. That reason is the reason I have been so blog quiet lately. I didn't want to post it and have something happen. I have had my hopes up SO MANY TIMES before.

Honestly, I think I am ready to go. I am not sure when it will happen but it WILL happen. Even if the kids have to change schools over the school year. I do want to wait, but something is pulling me to B and away from J. Maybe it's my happiness??? I don't know.

I just want to be happy.

The l word was used yesterday between B and I. I told Kevin about whats happening. He told me he wouldn't miss J at all if we didn't live here. That said so much to me..... in fact it screamed at me. I feel horrible that it took this long.

I was thinking that MAYBE I could get J to live somewhere else and I could stay here. I MIGHT be able to get Allyn to help with the bills a bit. If not maybe J will help contribute....... I'm just not sure. It's all making my stomach hurt.

Thanks again guys. I love you all....... so so so so sos os sososososoosososo much.

HELP

2008-08-14T08:45:00.002-04:00

I know it's been awhile.

I am sorry.

Kay, I didn't ignore your comment about emailing you, I just didn't want to jinx it in any way. I hope you understand :)

First off, we now have 20 cats in this house. As of last night. Lola, who isn't even a year old, had 4 kittens. After what occurred yesterday morning........ ( HUGE cat fight and Jesse got in the middle trying to break it up thus causing him to get hurt pretty bad thus causing us to take him to the ER because the last batch of scratches he had from a fight swelled up and hurt like an SOB for TWO WEEKS ) I have officially called the ASPCA. ALL OF THEM are going. That will leave us with 2 cats. that are fixed. Yesterday, after the attack, Jesse was balling uncontrollably at the thought of getting rid of just the boy cats that were fighting. It broke my heart to see him hurt like that..... but ya know what???? I had to have Bailee sleep in Kevin and Justins room last night because it is the only bedroom ( besides mine ) that has a door. Why? because the cats keep fighting. Yes again, round 3 actually.... at 3am.

Jesse will hate me. For more reasons than just this..........

As everyone knows, my relationship with Jesse has been up and down and sideways for YEARS. We probably wouldn't be together if it hadn't of been for Justin. And honestly, I am just as guilty of that choice as he is...... There are many reasons that it's not working and all of those reasons NEVER change no matter how much I threaten that I WILL leave. I won't go into specifics. But they are good enough reasons to leave. I don't want to trash him. He is a good person when he wants to be and I really don't want to hurt him..... I just can't live like this anymore.

I have been seeing someone else.

I promised myself I wouldn't cheat again and it has been a year or so since I have..... the problem is this just fell into my lap and this is NOT about sex AT ALL. AND I have known this person since I was 18.

In all honesty I have had a crush on him for YEARS. He has always been such a stand up guy, a great father, a great husband and a VERY loving person since I have known him. That hasn't changed no matter what he has gone through........

He has walked into my life and swept me off my feet. The way he cares, the way he treats my children and the way he loves ( yes I said it ) me and the kids makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. My heart flutters everytime he texts or calls me...... When he isn't working 12 hour shifts we are together with ALL of our children and its amazing. AMAZING. I don't even know if there are any negatives to him..... I mean... I KNOW, I just don't care.....??? if that's possible. He has asked me to move in with him. I told him that I want to wait a year until school ends next year and that I don't want to rush into things. Especially since Kevin has A LOT to look forward to this coming year. He has a house, with a backyard and wants me to come and repaint and finish the things that his ex wife tore up.......

I don't know what to do guys. Honestly, I am scared to death. If I uproot my kids it will be FOREVER and I THOUGHT that a year would prove that maybe he's into it forever.... even tho he has NO DOUBT that he is, I still have doubt because I am an ass.... sigh.

What do I do?

Yes, J can be an asshole. But what happens if the cats go and things get better? MOST of my miserable-ness is because I spent HOURS AND HOURS cleaning up after the cats. What if I am just being miserable and looking for something better because of something stupid?

HELP.

REALLY??????

2008-07-26T18:36:00.003-04:00

Really????

Let me first tell you that Bob and his kids were here on Friday. We all went to Kevins school playground and then he left 2 of the kids with me while he went to the laundromat...... They BOTH wanted to stay with me..... While he was gone I took the kids to the park down the street for a couple of hours.... it was a GREAT day.

The day started off strangely because apparently Lisa is telling her children that I am horrible and I did awful things to her and that Bob is "hooking up with me" and that once he does that he won't have time for HIS OWN CHILDREN because he will be worrying about MY children.

Yeah.

So, I told Bob, don't sweat it. Let her be an ass. I will talk to Maria ( the oldest ) about that whole "did bad things to her mom" stuff and hopefully it will be fine. I talked to maria and told her that sometimes friends do bad things to each other and that even though I miss her mom as a friend, we just can't be friends right now. And that's ok. All was good and it was a nice unbiased SHORT conversation. Maria is now my best friend by the way, which I LOVE. because what kind of mother says that their own father will ignore them???? I MEAN REALLY????

So I calmed Bob down, because he really wanted to talk to her about it. I told him don't bother and that WE will be the better people and as long as the kids are ok, who cares what she says.

Did I mention that the kids also told Bob that Jason said that he saw Bob and I making out????? yeah..... what a nightmare.

All is fine.

Then this morning I get a call from Bob.

Apparently Bobby ran away from her. Idk why but I am assuming the kids told her they were with me yesterday and Lisa got mad. Lisa started running her mouth and he just didn't want to hear it. Anyway, she called Bob and started laying into him. She said that she and her aunt are going to tell Jesse about our affair and that her aunt has wanted to tell Jesse for years about mine and Bobs "affair".......

WHAT THE FUCK????

So I tell Bob not to worry about it because Jesse won't believe a word that Lisa says ( or anyone that is associated with Lisa ) He is mad because he got woken up at 9am when he worked until 6am..... and LISA KNEW THAT.

Here's my beef.

WHY CAN'T LISA JUST LAY OFF????

WHY IS SHE TURNING INTO THIS WHACKO CRAZY PERSON WITH ALL THESE MAKE BELIEVE ACCUSATIONS?????

WHY would she want to torture her children like that?

GAWD she makes me angry.

Fuck her.

Who cares even if I was having an affair with Bob, ya know??? SHE MOVED ON, why can't he????

It's been awhile....

2008-07-21T10:48:00.002-04:00

Wow, Sorry for the lack of updates.......

So yeah... my birthday was great. The day was pretty chaotic because the kids did nothing but fight, but after Jesse got home it got A LOT better. We went to dinner, Outback..... my choice :) haha...... Then we went for ice cream ( instead of having a cake... ) and went home. Jesse got me a bottle of my fav perfume and a cool shirt from AE. I have to say I felt pretty damn special...... I had messages from almost everyone on myspace for my b-day, comments on this blog for my b-day and messages on facebook.... my dad even sent an e-card! So yeah, it's good to be me :) Atleast it was on July 16 :)

Other than that things have been pretty busy. I have been doing the intern thing which makes for busy weekends. Not to mention the family visits with Jesses fam and normal household stuff. That's really the reason why I have not been updating this here bloggerooo......

OH! I have to tell you..... my ex husband decided to tell me that he AGAIN met up with an old friend for drinks and she "pleasured" him. The "friend" is about 350 pounds and UGLY. Not to mention a BIG OLE BITCH who used to torture me on a semi daily basis...... including my first day back to work after Al left. My first job and I am getting hassled via text by some crazy loon.... nice eh??? anyway, I am thinking that he has a serious sexual addiction. I had a dream last night that I told his gf about his rumbles with TONS of women since he has been with her.... She really deserves better. No one deserves to be cheated on like that. It just makes me wonder HOW MANY women where there REALLY when he and I were together.

Things with my ex's mother are still the same. She is really getting on my nerves and Jesse does not like it one bit that I talk to her. So I have been trying to stay clear of the texts and the CONSTANT askings of where her son is. I don't answer her, and then when I do, she gets mad and starts asking WHY am I mad at her and then says mean things. I have considered changing my phone number..... That's how bad it is. Today she texted me to tell me she used my name and number for a reference for an apartment. Yeah, thanks for telling me.

Fuck.

Sometimes I want to be mean. Sometimes I want to hold on to the "friendship" because I don't have a mom..... it's really a roller coaster. But, I have to remember its not a friendship. She just uses me to find out where her son is and to make phone calls for her. I am surprised she has not asked me for money....... **** remember that angi.

This past weekend was SOOOOOOOO hot. On saturday I went to cover the Burger Fest in Hamburg for buff.com. It was soooooooooo effing hot. I was sweating..... and I dont sweat. BUT, we spent a couple of hours walking around and I got about 25 pictures. After that we had a party to go to for our landlords 5 year old son. We had to swing by Toys R us to pick up a gift and then headed to the party. It was a lot of fun and our landlords really are SUPER nice people. They make us feel like one of the family, which is great. The kids had a blast playing in the bounce house that our landlord has and the pool, swingset and don't forget the HUGE cake!!! It was a lot of fun.......

After that we went home and I chizzled off the kiddos ( they were COVERED in dirt and cake ) and put them to bed.... they actually asked to go to bed..... and I got to go out for a bit! It was a lot of fun...... I got home at about 3am. There are more details to be offered......buuuuuut unfortunately the kids are being buttheads and won't stop fighting.....

so yeah, I must go.

KIDS!!!!

Happy Birthday to me..... tomorrow.

2008-07-15T12:03:00.001-04:00

So, here I am........

I am almost 32 years old.

What's different this year????

I'm not working.

That's really it.

pittiful, isn't it?

Fuck.

Have you ever felt completely STUCK?

That's me. STUCK.

I feel like I have accomplished NOTHING.

that's the end of my pitty party tho.... seriously.

This year WILL be fucking different.

I am going back to school.

I am interning with the Buffalo News.

I am closer with my father.

I am closer with my family.

Allyn and I can maintain a friendship for the sake of the children.

I have a lot to do this year and god dammit 32 WILL be different.

IT WILL......

So, happy effing birthday to me..... tomorrow.

I will have cake...... lots of cake.

McGu!re, out.

2008-07-11T10:20:00.002-04:00

So, XMIL is still in wellsville...... I told Allyn about it. He suggested that I ask her if it's ok to ask her sister to help find storage and an apartment ( because she lives in Wellsville ) and she said NO. So I texted Allyn, let him know and he said "I guess there is nothing I can do"..... So later, she texts me and asks if I will have "time" to chat with her around 8:30 via text. I say, sure...... she texts me at 8:30, just as I am getting the kids out of the tub...... asks if I am available. I don't respond in the first 5 minutes and she says....... I guess your busy. I will just pray for my situation.

Ugh.

So I am officially washing my hands of it at this point.

Moving on........

Good news:

I am officially an intern for The Buffalo News ( Buffalo.com) taking pictures at Buffalo Events :) I am super excited. I went and met with them yesterday and the program sounds really fun and it won't cost me any money..... they pay for entrance and I get credentials if I need it. Cool, right????

So the other day Kevin asked me if my former BFF's son could come spend the night. I figure I will ask Bob because he has the kids A LOT and I am pretty good friends with him. We work it out and he tells me that he has to make sure that he has the kids on that day. So yesterday he texts me and asks if Kevin still wants the boy to spend the night. I say yep, and I call him. He tells me that my XBFF said that its ok for the boy to spend the night BUT *I* am not allowed to say anything bad about her or my ex fiance. I pass that off because there is no way I would ever do that in front of MY kids let alone hers.... ya know???? Then he says that the kids are with her and she would have to drive the boy here but she does not want to SEE or TALK to me. Ok, that's where I draw the line. I told Bob that there is NO WAY I would put the boy through that tension. I told him that I would just wait until Bob has the kids and we would pick a day when he could come over.

What is she thinking? Why can't she just be an adult?????

But whatever...... since I AM THE ONE who told her that I don't want to be friends with her anymore I guess SHE IS calling the shots when it comes to our children playing together.

Hate is a strong word, but she is scraping the hate barrel right about now. I wish she had the URL for this website because maybe then she could read about how her children are not coming first and she is being a jealous self centered BITCH!

teehee.... i feel better.

So this weekend I am covering the Taste of Buffalo for Buffalo.com and we are having a birthday party for moi tomorrow at J's parents house. Should be a fun weekend..... Kevin is going to Darien Lake on Sunday with Chase and Shannon......... should be a buuuuuuuusy weekend!

So have a great weekend everyone..... and Lindsy, ENJOY YOUR VACATION!

Oh yeah, it gets better.

2008-07-10T10:15:00.002-04:00

So here I am, lil ole me, hangin out with my kiddos........ when I get EIGHT text messages from my XMIL....

EIGHT.

She is almost out of money. Has a Uhaul truck that she has had for a week, maybe more.... has nowhere to live..... and has been sick on top of everything.

And guess what.... she cannot get ahold of her son. Are you surprised? Funny, because I can get ahold of him just fine..... he just doesn't want to respond to his mom.

So here I am, lil ole me, hangin out with my kiddos--- scratch that, worrying about my XMIL.

Fuck.

So here's the story.

She told her landlords MONTHS ago that she was moving.

She decided MONTHS ago, because "god" told her, that she needed to move to Wellsville.

All is ok, right???? I mean, she has money from her parents inheritance that she has, PLUS she gets SSDI and SSI..... I mean, she SHOULD have PLENTY of money.

no, wrong.

She NEVER ONCE looked for an apartment in wellsville. Instead, seeing as she has been EVICTED from about 10 apartments in the last 10 years and her credit SUCKS ASS WORSE THAN MINE that she would try to buy a house. A HOUSE!!!!!

Yeah, so here she is, she HAS to get out of her apartment that she has lived in for the last year. She hires movers, and a uhaul truck and takes off for wellsville EVEN THOUGH she has NOWHERE to go.

The house deal "fell through"...... DUH!!!!

She has a Uhaul truck with her things in it, at 39.95 per day...... is all of a sudden OUT OF MONEY as she claims that someone MUST have taken it out of her account without her knowing *** again.......

OMG.

So she is living in the Uhaul truck. Is almost out of money. And is asking ME to contact Allyn for her.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

I am pissed off to say the least. This is bullshit.

HOW MANY TIMES does this have to happen???? HOW MANY STUPID decisions does she have to make before ALL of her family ( including Allyn ) won't talk to her anymore????

SHE doesn't want to upset Allyn with this but SHE wants ME to call him for her??? why so I CAN UPSET HIM FOR HER????

Fuck.

I am too fucking old and WAYYYY divorced from this situation to deal with this.

As of the end of the month it will be FIVE years since he left me. FIVE YEARS.... why am I still dealing with this shit?

guilt.... that's why. Because my mother is no longer here and she is the only maternal figure I have.

Crazy and all......

2008-07-03T14:04:00.002-04:00

Note to self:

Before you turn the oven on, make sure that the broiler is not stuffed with stuffed toys and paper.

Thank you Justin.

**** also note, things like this make ash appear EVERYWHERE, including inside my nose.

My mom's burial

2008-07-02T09:45:00.002-04:00

I forgot to tell everyone that I got a call from my aunt last weekend. *** maybe it was 2 weeks ago....

anyway.

She got a post card from the University at Buffalo regarding my mother's final burial.

It will be September 18 at 10am. I am getting more info soon, as to where and whomever wants to come can if they let me know. I have to get a final count for them prior to the event.

Can you believe it's been this long and they are just laying her to rest now?

I almost forgot.

2008-07-02T07:53:00.002-04:00

Yesterday afternoon I get a text from Al's mom, after I texted her asking her how she's doing.

It said:

"How are you doing, haven't heard from you in awhile"

I reply:

"I am ok, just been busy. How have you been?"

She says:

"I was ok until last night when I got sick. As I told Al last night, I am moving"

I say:

"I am sorry to hear your sick, when and where are you moving?"

She says:

"I am not telling anyone the details because it is a big change, just don't worry"

I say:

"ok? Why not say where your moving?"

She says:

"don't worry, I really am fine"

I'm aggravated at this point because I think she is making drama for all of us, or atleast trying to.

So I text Al and ask if he has heard WHERE she is moving. He said he hasn't heard yet.

So I am like ok, she is trying to make people worry. Why be so secretive? And we all know her decision making process isn't the best. So why wouldn't we worry?

So she texts me later on in the evening.

She says:

Has Allyn contacted you?

I say:

Yes, I texted him earlier today and we chatted for a minute. Why do you ask?

She says:

Did he say he was worried about me?

Im thinking at this point that she is trying to make him worry. It reminds me A LOT of the shit my mother used to pull. I start getting annoyed, probably because of the situation with my mother and how things ended.

I say:

We don't talk about you.

She says:

I just wondered if he was worried about me.

I say:

He always plays tough guy with me anyway so even if he was worried, I would never know.

She says:

I thought he would open up to you. I have to go now, but will catch up with you later.

I end the convo because I am angry that she is trying to make people worry about her.

DRAMA+PMS=not happy Angi.

the. end.

asshole

2008-07-02T07:38:00.002-04:00

I must ask you all a question.

If you constantly bitch about money and ALWAYS complain that you have to work SO MUCH in order to pay things like CHILD SUPPORT and of course your alcohol habit......

DO YOU REALLY NEED A MOPED?

Yes, that's right, I said moped. He fucking bought a moped. Not a motorcycle. Actually he told me he was buying a motorcycle..... um, no. It's more like a bicycle with wheels moped. One that probably sounds like a lawn mower, and goes about as fast.

FOR WHAT? WHAT DO YOU NEED THAT FOR? It won't drive the 45 minutes you drive everymorning on the thruway to work...... hell, it won't last that long because it SCREAMS 1976....... I mean what the fuck are you thinking?

Well atleast I can be comforted to know it probably cost like 200.00..... a mere fraction of his weekly paycheck.

Ugh.

I am frustrated. I know that he is scum. I know that he doesn't deserve these kids, but that doesn't mean the shit he does doesn't piss me off. ( although I was cleaning the bathroom yesterday and found some "scum" that looked JUST LIKE HIM..... I swear, and oddly enough it was behind the toilet.... should have been IN the toilet. ahemmmmmmmmm.

I am really sick of him acting like a fucking child when I GET ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY of being the adult in this parenting "partnership". He goes out every night, drinks every night and does things like camping with friends and going to the farm.

FUCK.

I can't even remember the last time I was kid free for long enough to do ANYTHING! I don't even get to pee by myself. ****which reminds me I need to fix that door handle so it locks.

GAWD.

Can someone please tell me the logic?

I am TIRED. It's been a long 4 ( almost 5 ) years. ( actually, on 7/31 it will be FIVE YEARS since he left me ) ah yes, what a memory. Funny how I remember that date, but have to look at the divorce papers for that date. ugh.

I want a fucking break.

I have more gray hair than I care to admit and its because I don't ever get a break. Seriously, the other day, the cat threw up on the rug and it sat there for 2 days because Jesse said he would clean it up. I let it sit there because a) it was on his side of the bed and b) when he says he will clean shit up, he NEVER does it. Just like the plant dirt that got spilled all over the stairs leading outside ( in our hallway leading to the front door ) that sat there overnight that HIS cats knocked over and again, he said he would clean it up and NEVER DID.

god.

im tired.

im considering taking about 5 sleeping pills just so I can get some uninterrupted sleep.

Cranky

2008-07-01T08:48:00.002-04:00

Why is it that even tho I keep hitting the remember me button on blogger that it NEVER remembers my login info???

I mean really? Do I NEED to type it in EVERY SINGLE TIME?

Oy vay.

I am in a serious mood the last couple of days and PMS sucks ass.

There you have it, my life in one sentence.

haha.

As I get older ( ahemmm, I will be THIRTY TWO in 15 days ) my PMS takes a whole new shitty meaning. The cramps get worse, the moods get WAY worse and I just want to sleep for the whole 5-7 days it goes on. Seriously.... no one begs for the bleeding like I do. Because once the bleeding starts the symptoms start to sloooooooow down. Idk what the hell is wrong with me, if anything, but damn it....... Last night I ate 5 chicken fingers and a candy bar! for the first time in EIGHT weeks. And I have NO energy to work out today..... I will, but jeeze.

Other than that, things here are ok. The kids were with Al last weekend which gave me a mini break. We basically did nothing because we had no money. A bunch of bills are due this time of the month so we had to pay bills instead of have fun which kinda pisses me off. But hey, atleast we have cable! haha.

The kids went to Ithaca to visit with Allyn's family. His dad and step mom live down there in this fabulous house with a 5 car garage and tons o toys... 4 wheelers and tractors and go carts. Honestly I was jealous. I miss that house. I hate that his father hates me now because of all that Pee wee shit. I would love to visit down there and I really wish that they knew the effing truth about things. But whatever..... I mean, his father said to me when Al and I got married, "it's about time I got you!" and he hugged me ever so tightly. I will never forget that. But apparently, that's not enough..... divorce sucks. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Why can't people just be friendly like Al and I are? of course no one knows we are friendly but me, Jesse, Emily and the kids...... I am sure he says not nice things about me to his father..... like blaming me for him needing money or some shit.

wait, I got off topic.

I miss that house in Ithaca and I miss having a place to get away. I miss his father and his step mom and even his sister and bro in law. His sister had a baby who is now like 2 and that was truly my only hope of being an aunt. God that pisses me off.

The kids came home WAY over tired. I mean to the point of Bailee screaming for 20 minutes because she wanted her sleeping bag from her fathers house. And then she woke up Monday morning sounding funny..... her tonsils are swollen and her right gland is swollen. Yeah. sick AGAIN from his "care".... dammit! What the fuck!

You know something.......

I have absolutely nothing positive to say. haha..... I am one cranky bi-otch.

Wait til Allyn hears that K wants to go to Darien Lake with his cousin instead of his house for the weekend of the 13th.

eek.

baby mama drama

2008-06-24T18:09:00.003-04:00

Oh lordy....

So let me just start out by saying that my XH just texted me to tell me that he was at a strip club and about to get a "tug job" for 20.00 from one of the strippers.

no I am not kidding.

I am assuming he was drunk. I am assuming this because WHY would he want to tell me this???

Oy vay, he REALLY wasn't this much of a sleeze when I was with him, I frickin swear on my life. He told me the other day that he cheats on Em because he is bored. He told me that he thinks thats one of the major reasons why our relationship failed... because he didn't cheat for so long and was bored.

One man who was NEVER meant to be in a relationship is him..... holy shit he's a fuck wad.

Next.....

Ok, so I went out and got my groove on with some friends on Saturday night. Turns out that Bob, my former BFF's soon to be ex was there. He and I had a drink or two.... he's a friend and I saw nothing wrong with it.... until I turned around and saw my former BFF and my X fiance in the same effing club I was in.

no joke.

Lisa stood there and stared at me pointing and laughing.

I also heard that she told Bob that if he has sex with me that he better wrap "IT" three times. THREE TIMES because apparently I am more of a whore than she is.... wow. I was pissed. She also says I have a crush on her and that I am jealous of her because she is SO MUCH better looking than me.

Hello, 1994 called and they want their attitude back... because OBVIOUSLY a 12 year old was rebourn in my former BFF's body.

I didn't leave the club. They did....... after I danced with bob and he and I laughed about how coincidental it was that they were there when they KNOW that's where Bob hangs out.... ( I did not know this information, thus running into him )

I can only imagine what she's thinking.

So..... I gotta go eat dinner...... but I will be back.... talk amongst yourselves.

Former BFF tales mixed with kid tales

2008-06-18T14:32:00.002-04:00

How are y'all doin????

Oh lord it's been BUUUUUSY, here.

First off, Justin is sick. He has tonsilitis. He was at the doc on Monday because his tonsils were SO swollen and SO covered with white that he could barely talk. The doc took one look and said "boy its a good thing that dyptheria isn't around anymore because those tonsils look REALLY bad"..... *** this is the point where I freak the eff out.

He did a strep test and ordered a mono test and gave him a script for some cherry tasting meds and we were on our way.

By the way, I have THE strongest toddlers in the world. BOTH kids have had blood work done recently and BOTH kids didn't even flinch. Thank you very much..... tough cookies I raised!!!!!

Speaking of cookies, I am pretty convinced that Kevin is beginning to hit puberty. There are NOTICABLE sections of hair rising on parts of his body and he is starting to break out. He is NINE YEARS OLD PEOPLE. NINE. WHAT THE FUCK??? Where did my baby go??????

sad. sad. sad.

Jesse workd a 20 hour day yesterday. He worked his normal shift and then got called downtown because the power was knocked out in a bank office building that I guess was important enough to keep him there until 3:30am. He is pooped and has to go to school tonight. To take a final exam. It's his last day of school.... but still. My baby needs to sleep. hell, mommy needs to sleep.

Just sayin.

I tried to take a nap today but my lovely mini me kept coming into my room to tell me every little thing her brother was doing that may or may not have been a big deal. God love kids, but WHEN does this tattle tale phase stop?????

OH! I almost forgot.

I talked to Bob last night. Apparently my former BFF has officially lost her mind. Not only does she continually go to Bob's house and just make herself at home, but she starts fights too, in front of the kids. She went over there to pick up the kids and the middle child didn't want to go. So Bob went in the childs room and tried to talk him into going. Well, my former BFF decided that it was time to start name calling and accusations against Bob basically blaming him for being the reason the middle child didn't want to go with his mom. Bob took what he could and basically she started hitting him and yelling at him. He said, ok, your not taking the kids when your like this, go outside and calm down and once your calm you can take the kids. She didn't like that too much. She got even more pissed, called the cops, started hitting him again and left. She was supposed to meet the cops at a gas station not too far from the house so they could escort her back to Bobs and she could take the kids. She never went to the gas station. She disappeared and turned her phone off so everyone would worry. Her aunt was calling Bob looking for her. The kids that wanted to go with mom were asking "when is mom coming?" and Bob just did the best he could with the situation. The cops told Bob to press charges because Bob had marks on him from her but Bob took the high road and decided against it. Apparently my former BFF was supposed to take the kids to see the law guardian yesterday and never showed up there either. The law guardian called Bob to make sure everything was ok. What a mess....... AND, she has been not showing up to pick her youngest up from school like 3 times. Bob has gotten calls at work that she never showed and that he needs to pick up their son. Can you imagine???? How awful those kids must feel. How horrible. She will NEVER be a friend of mine again. Ugh. How horrible can you be to your own children?

Anyway..... I think that's it. I THINK.

haha.

Father's Day

2008-06-16T08:48:00.002-04:00

First off, Happy Father's Day to all the dad's out there........

Us moms couldn't be moms without you dads.... so thank you for being there!

How was your father's day?????

Ours was pretty good. I didn't have Kevin and Bailee this weekend but Justin was here! I felt kinda bad that the kids weren't here for Jesse...... but in reality, it was a nice day.

We went out to Jesse's sisters house for a picnic. We had good food, good company and great fun. I even talked to my dad yesterday! For like 20 minnutes!!!! I miss him.

The kids took a gift over to Allyn that I bought, put thought into and wrapped. Did I get a thank you???? nope, sure didn't. I don't know why I bother. In this whole gift giving thing I asked Al's girlfriend if she had any ideas on what to get him..... do you know what she said???? ***Mind you, she KNEW it was going to be from the KIDS...... she told me I could get him some Jagermeister. Yes, the alcohol. FROM HIS CHILDREN. HIS YOUNG CHILDREN. OMG.... I about died. REALLY????

Good god.

So I ended up getting him a nice polo shirt and I framed and matted a picture of Kevin and Bailee.

Jesse got a hot pair of shorts from AE. *** of course. He wore them yesterday and honestly I almost ripped them off of him about 40 times yesterday. HOT.

Other than that the kids went to a lake house in Canada yesterday. They were supposed to come home last night around 8, but got to spend another night with dad when he lost track of time. I am happy they got to spend more time with Al.

Althought Kevin came home with sun poisoning. That pisses me off....... but hey.

So what did you guys do?

Blast from the past.....

2008-06-12T12:47:00.001-04:00

Lindsy will get a kick out of this one.... Kevin's 4th birthday. Look at how little they were Lindsy!!!!!!

Kevin and Kaila..... awwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Our day outside.......

2008-06-11T15:17:00.002-04:00

Some pictures from our outside BEAUTIFUL day of sunshiny FUN:

I took a lot more pics but Justin was NOT havin his picture taken today AT ALL. He kept lookin away and stuff.... dammit!

I must say, Bailee was EXCITED to be at the park today.... can't you tell??? haha.

Noooooooooo!

2008-06-10T12:09:00.002-04:00

Wow..... sorry. I didn't mean to give the impression that I "could" be prego.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. a thousand times no.

NO MORE KIDS!

haha.

No I am not prego. I got my period today. While I was straightening my hair. WHY IS IT, that you ALWAYS get it when your doing something other than sitting on the can or waiting for it????

So no, I'm not prego... I was just thinking that my hormones were acting WAYYYYYY up. And it sort of worries me sometimes. Like my PMS gets worse EVERY SINGLE MONTH. Like is there a disorder for that?

Thanks for asking Kay....... :) xoxoxoxoxo *** but seriously NO MORE KIDS! hahahaha.

Hey all

2008-06-10T08:42:00.002-04:00

So idk what is going on with me.

Last night I threw up 2 days worth of food out of nowhere.

I don't feel sick. My stomach acid was just sooooooooo bad last night and that triggered me getting sick.

I was thinking about calling the doc. I am late too.... but, with my workout and the heat it's not unusual for me to be late. I am crampy and PMSing.... maybe I'm just working out the kinks of the flu I had?

man.

I have NEVER been sick so much as since I moved here.

It's getting ridiculous.......

Oh crap, it's thundering and shit.... gotta turn off the comp.

6

2008-06-09T09:57:00.002-04:00

So the last pregnant cat gave birth to kittens last night.

SIX of them. SIX.

4 black and 2 gray.

holy fuck.

I cannot even believe it. no way would I even begin to think that she could even hold 6 kittens. Needless to say she spent almost the entire night giving birth.

Another sleepless night for Angi because of these fucking cats.

I have had it. Crazy cats who keep chasing around the not crazy cats and bouncing off of my side of the bed to the wall to the dresser and knocking down this HUGE mirror that I have resting nicely on the dresser to jumping on my nightstand to bouncing off of the wall again and again and again and again... all before 5am.

I am putting my foot down today. I feel bad because I KNOW Jesse is attached to these cats but I am done. I mean don't I have a say? Am I being horrible for forcing the issue? And what if we find great homes for these cats and they get the attention they deserve.... ( not that they don't get attention now, its just that there are so many of them that they do not get individual attention often )

What to do?

No, I know what to do. Send all the fuckers outside.

but I won't.........

so enough about that......

It's 90 degrees outside.

I have been having a hard time with the heat because of my PMS symptoms. I can't cool my insides enough... it's weird. My PMS gets worse and worse every month. Is that supposed to happen?

I feel like I am going through menopause or something. MAN

oh well.

What can I do?

I guess that's all the bitching I have for now... other than I hate my ex husband.

haha

Not so Enchanted

2008-06-05T13:03:00.002-04:00

1) I spent last night cleaning up Bailee's EXTREME PROJECTILE VOMITTING ( yet another sickness for this poor little girl )

2) Justin and Bailee are eating ice.... they like it and it's good for them so I let them..... Justin just came to me and said "Mommy can I have some more I-C-E?" and yes, he spelled it.

3) Watch the movie Enchanted, it's really cute and the kiddies LOVE IT!

That is all because I feel as if I might hurl.

thank you.

Former BFF tales

2008-06-04T13:18:00.003-04:00

GUESS WHAT?????

Apparently my former BFF is now saying that I have a crush on her and thats why I don't want to be friends with her anymore.

Yeah. And apparently her and her soon to be ex hubby have fought about the idea. He says no way and she says OH YEAH!

It's funny as hell and literally made me laugh out loud this morning.

I thought you guys would get a kick out of that.

Ugh, that girl needs to get rid of the "vain" quality and substitute that for some SMARTS. Cuz holy cow.... she's an idiot.

She took her soon to be ex back to court because she wanted more money. MORE MONEY. She is getting 400.00 PER WEEK. PER WEEK! And she had the balls to ask for more. She was denied, but still..... good lord.

Oh and I also heard that she is MISERABLE. That she is angry because she can't ever do anything because her new beau doesn't like to go out and do things. UMMMM HELLOOOOO!!!! She knew that because that was one of my biggest pet peeves when I was with him. And I hear that HE is being investigated by CPS and has not seen his kids in 6 weeks. I am sure it's just a ploy by his ex wife to try to make him pay for what he did to her, but still. What a way to live! They have no money and the stress of having his ex wife investigate HIM. man. I am SOOOO thankful my divorce wasn't that bad. THANKFUL.

Speaking of divorce.

Allyn was sick for 2 days this week too. He had the stomach flu just like Kevin. He said 2 people in his office had it too. So that's where Kevin's sickness came from. It makes me mad. Idk if it's just coincidence that the kids come home sick from there EVERY TIME.... but whatever. What can I do? nada.

So Bailee and Kevin are feeling MUCH better. Bailee is still on meds but she finishes those up next week. Other than that, not much new here.

God it seems like I had more to write.

Oh well.....

moving on..............

Sickness

2008-06-02T08:17:00.002-04:00

Holy shit.....

So the kids were with XH this weekend. Both came home CRANKY as all hell and Kevin woke up this morning sick with a stomach bug. I'm REALLY tired of the kids coming home from there sick. I don't know what he could possibly be doing to egg the sickness on but seriously. I'm over it. I have been up since 7am cleaning up not so pleasant things and I am effing tired. It's like you go from one extreme to another. You would not believe how cranky and tired these kids are when they come home from there. Kevin is in tears he's so tired and Bailee is so touchy that she can't even function without getting snotty. I realize that it MAY be because of the adjustment from my house to their house but they are totally clingy to me and then being cranky the next minute, does that make sense?

Anyway..... enough about that.

The weekend was good. On saturday I did NOTHING. Literally. We laid in bed all day long and watched TV. I didn't even shower! I can't believe how lazy we were. Ah well, once in awhile is good.... although I jumped right up out of bed on sunday to shower. I don't EVER go a day without showering...haha.

Yesterday we went to Jesse's parents house for dinner. It was a nice visit time. His mom and I had a BUNCH of conversations about current events. It was REALLY nice to have some adult conversation. I effing love that family..... seriously.

I'm afraid that's all I have for you today. I know, boring as hell.

oh well...... maybe tomorrow? Remember when I used to have drama filled days that made for good blog reading?????

yeah I don't miss those days either.... hahahahah

Bailee

2008-05-28T08:56:00.002-04:00

Ok well, Bailee's little fever on Monday turned into her tonsils swelling shut last night. Sooooo I am taking her to the doc this morning at 11am. The tylenol isn't helping her throat as she keeps complaining it "hurts real bad" and she sounds like she has a mouth full of marbles.

Tons of fun times. Let me tell ya.

Soooooooo, I'm off to get ready to go.

Wish me luck! **** I'm praying its not strep throat because that means Justin and Kevin will get it. grrrrrrrrrrr.

Sperm Donor

2008-05-27T15:37:00.002-04:00

First off, how was everyone's long weekend?????

Yeah, mine too.

Although Bailee spiked a fever yesterday of 101 and really hasn't been herself.... it was really a good weekend. Saturday we did nothing. Sunday we went to Jesse's parents to celebrate his grandpas 83rd birthday ( HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDPA!!!! ) And yesterday we hung out at home because Bailee was sick. BUUUUUT, Kevin got to spend the night with his "cousin" and his "uncle" took Kevin and the "cousin" to see Indiana Jones and then they went to Friday's for dinner. He had a good time. Although he came home acting like the "cousin" which pisses me off, but whatever ;) Kevin deserves some big kid time and I am glad he got that without the two little ones nagging at him.

So I was floating around facebook today and I found my ex husbands page! Of course, his girlfriend is all over his page saying things like "i love you everywhere" and shit like that..... I just laugh, because we all know that he's been cheating on her since day 1....... Im just sitting back and waiting for her to find out. When she does..... look out. Anyway, the whole point of me telling you guys that he has a page on facebook is that he uses "time" as an excuse for everything. Awhile ago he told me "I don't have time to mess around with facebook"..... and it got me thinking. I pretty much have made up my mind that I am going to ask him to start taking the kids on Friday night again. This one night every 2 weeks shit needs to stop. Other divorced families ( like the "cousin" mentioned above ) have LOTS of time spent with their dad including all weekend, EVERY weekend and a couple of nights during the week, and his dad works construction!!! meaning every night until like 7pm from 6am..... its a hard job but he still manages to find time to be with his "baby boy" as he calls him. ( awwww ) so why can't my ex husband find the time? He plays softball once a week, goes out to bars all the time AND he goes out of town every weekend he doesn't have the kids so why not? Would it REALLY be too much to ask him to spend more time with his kids? Like when he was with PEE WEE? He can't use the "i don't have time" shit with me anymore because if that is the case.... if he can't get out of work at 6pm on a friday night/ every other weekend to see his kids..... then he NEEDS to give up one of the other things he does every other night to make up for the work time. Thats what I WOULD DO... but then again, I am a parent.... he is not..... well atleast not technically. ( just by the sperm donor thing... you know, cuz he can't be bothered with his kids, just partying like a silly college kid at 33 years old )

ok, I'm done.

Kids are nagging at me. It's really causing me to lose my concentration.

Welcome to the lurkers that came out to comment..... I SO appreciate your comments on the cats. Honestly, we now have FIVE cats who are trying to have sex with my 6 month old kitten who had her first "heat" experience. Even the kitten who is a little younger than 6 months was trying. So, since we have 3 female cats..... they are getting fixed first. Then, one at a time, so we don't have ANYMORE kittens.... we will fix the males. COME ON STIMULUS CHECK!

What is that big round ball of light in the sky???

2008-05-23T12:47:00.002-04:00

The sun is out today. I hear the weekend is going to be in the 70's... I am ssoooosoooooosoosooooo ready!!!!

I'm not sure what we are doing yet, but I am going to take these kids on a picnic somewhere if it frickin kills me. I don't even care if we walk to the park around the corner and grill some dogs. Fo realz. It's the FIRST nice memorial day we have had in a LOOOOOONNNNNNGGGG time, so yeah, we are going to enjoy it, dammit.

I've been working out lately... well duh, you guys already knew that.... but I found this walking program that uses weights too. I LOVE it. It's walking 1 mile and using weights or "boosters" as they call it..... it works my whole body. Takes about 20 minutes to do, but I am worked the eff out by the time I am done. Lindsy, what do you think about a mile? is that a good weight loss program? I am thinking since I have been doing the mile for a week that I may try the 2 mile next week. Lindsy is the expert so I just thought I would ask.... as if Lindsy doesn't have other things to worry about...lol.

Jesse has been working odd hours lately. One day he will work the night shift, then the next day he will work the day shift PLUS school until 10pm. It sucks. We have not seen each other in awhile and I am starting to get REALLY lonely... I even went on messenger last night.... I KNOW! so yeah, anyone who wants to chat with me at night... please do. Im lonely. with a capital LONE.

Did that even make sense?

You know what I love???? When my kids watch a show like Dora or Diego and they talk to the TV in spanish. Seriously, do I not have THE smartest kids ever?

Fo realz.

CRAP, the sun just went away. DAMMIT!

Sunshine

2008-05-20T10:39:00.003-04:00

Well well well.....

Today is a better day. Yesterday was sooooo gloomy and rainy and cold I wanted to sleep all day. I didn't.... but I wanted to.

Not much new to report here, just that I am stressing about money. Al paid his once a month thing last weekend and it went for bills and groceries and a little fun...... now I am stressing that we will only have Jesse's paycheck for the next FOUR weeks. That's scary. Makes me want to get a job.... OH WAIT! I can't get a job because Jesse's work hours suck and I can't put both toddlers into daycare without paying 1500.00 a month.... oh yeah, I almost forgot. BOOOO!

Oh, speaking of Allyn..... he and Emily are looking to buy a house. Not HIM of course, but I see a pattern here of what happened with PEE WEE. Everything will be in her name. Once she finds out what a snake he is she WILL leave him and he will be stuck again, with no place to live. Ugh. It makes me angry that he keeps putting himself in these positions. It IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS, but it does affect me when Allyn doesn't see the kids for 2 months because he has no house, no car and no money. So yeah, Im worried. Kevin told me about this 3 bedroom house they looked at. I did talk to Al a little about it and he said... "I'm going to keep my apartment" I said... "who can afford that????" Yeah. It's stupid. And he lies. But hey..... as long as HE is temporarily happy with a girl he cheats on ALL THE TIME WITH MANY DIFFERENT WOMEN.... who cares. right? ugh.... no, wait, double ugh.

The kids spent Friday night with their grandmother. ( Allyns mom ) They had a great time... no sleep and lots of candy, what kid wouldn't have a great time...lol. THen they went to Allyn's house on Saturday and spent the weekend. It was REALLY nice to have two whole nights without 3 kids running around, it gave me the little break I needed. I feel pretty refreshed....

Oh, and I have called around to find a shelter that fixes cats for 80.00 a piece. Of course I made the appt for early next month because they are booked.... until then, I have my 6 month old kitten in heat and all 3 male cats ( the one's that will be fixed ) having none stop gang bang sex with her. It's really pissing me off actually because no matter how much I try to stop it, no matter how many times I push the cats off of her and yell at them, they keep going. Idk what it is about female cats in heat, but they just won't leave her alone. Isn't 6 months old a little early for heat???? GAWD. I sit here with my Lola hiding up in my computer desk so she can sleep and all 3 male cats stalking her like she's shark bait. Ugh.......

Whatever...

ATLEAST THE SUN IS OUT!!! yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

RIP little kitten

2008-05-19T14:25:00.003-04:00

Sadly, the little kitten that was hurt last week passed away last night around midnight.

RIP little guy..... even though you were only with us for 4 days, you will be missed.

I feel horrible. I'm not sure why he passed away but Jesse and I seem to think that maybe he had an infection from the "playful" wounds of Panda Bear. It could be anything. We tried to save him, including Jesse staying up with him for hours on Saturday night and me feeding him pedialyte ( as suggested by a vet ) every hour last night. It's hard when a life is lost. I feel bad for mama, she keeps roaming the house looking for her baby.

I cried myself to sleep last night after Jesse boxed the little one up for burying. I can't help but feel so sad and wonder if there was anything I could have done. I tried everything..... but was there anything?

Insane in the membrane

2008-05-18T11:10:00.003-04:00

I was out running errands last night and I noticed that the Mobile gas station by my house is selling regular unleaded gas for 4.09 PER GALLON.

What the fuck is wrong with this country that average working FAMILIES spend more on gasoline than they do on groceries per week????

Oh and GREAT idea on that whole hybrid car thing.... it doesnt work for people who drive more than 25 miles.... that means ( for us peeps in this area ) people who live in Boston NY and drive to Buffalo NY CANNOT OWN a hybrid car to save on gas.... so what do we do???? WE HAVE TO PAY THIS INSANE AMOUNT OF MONEY TO GO TO WORK! For what??? to spend our paychecks on gasoline????

Ugh.

Mr. Bush.... you fucked up this country.... thanks for the "stimulus"... but I will be buying a gas card to make up for what this single mom of 3 kids has to spend on gas.

Fucker.

New kitten

2008-05-16T11:45:00.002-04:00

Well as of yesterday afternoon we officially have one more kitten. ( temporarily )

As of this afternoon Panda Bear..... the last kitten we had..... has beaten up the kitten so bad that there are holes in the kittens belly that I can see organs through. They are small pin holes, but I can still see something. They are actual holes.

The kitten is bleeding and I am trying to get its mama to feed it but she is busy running from 3 male cats who have wanted to fuck her since she went into labor. I am shooing away male cats, cleaning the house, trying to keep the kitten away from Panda bear and Lola ( they see the new kitten as a mouse I think ) and trying to keep mama and new baby locked in a room that mama does NOT want to be in so she keeps carrying the kitten from the bed to the floor and back up again thus causing ANOTHER wound in the kittens neck......

I have fucking had it with cats.

I am so angry right now I could spit. I am running around like a freak today trying to make sure EVERYONE, including my CHILDREN are ok.

What the fuck do I do about these wounds the kitten has????

FUCK.

We'll see

2008-05-15T17:13:00.002-04:00

Conversation with my 3 year old last night, as we were laying in bed watching Family Feud:

Justin: Mommy, what time is it???
Me: It's 6:30
Justin: No it's not!
Me: Ok, then what time is it?
Justin: It's buttcrack thirty

Go ahead, laugh, you know you want to..... I'll wait......

Done?

No, ok, I'll wait some more......

Ok, you should be done now... ahemmmmmm.

So, I have one cat who's been in labor since this morning. It's kind of annoying because she must be putting out some sort of "come fuck me" vibes because the male cats are literally lining up behind her. I had to lock up miss Kitty and I keep checking on her..... no kittens yet. I suspect only 1 baby this time.... regardless we are NOT keeping him/her.

period.

Oh and I found out this morning that J is STILL talking to "her"....... via text. And yes, its still innocent but even after me asking him to stop he STILL talks to her. It pisses me off but yet he swears up and down that he loves me and is happy with me. So why still talk to "her"? I swear Im 2 seconds from texting her from my phone and telling her what the eff is up in this house. It bugs me that she won't let it be. I KNOW girls and guys cannot be JUST friends if your significant other doesnt know this "friend". It just doesn't work. It makes me nervous because I will NOT throw away 7 years of my life again. I can't afford to lose another 7 years on something that isn't pure enough to be what I deserve..... what these kids deserve. We'll see......

Kevin and Bailee are supposed to go spend the night with their grandmother tomorrow night. I'm not quite sure of the plans yet, because it is also Al's weekend with Kevin and Bailee. That means I will get TWO whole nights of a mini break..... Jesse and I were talking about going out Saturday night, but this involves us finding somewhere for Justin to go. I don't know if that will happen..... hmph. We'll see.

As I type to you, Justin is watching Thomas the Tank Engine dancing around the living room to the songs he knows.... by heart. And yes, he is the cutest thing ever.....

Of course, Bailee and Kevin are at each others throats..... but whatever.

ha ha.... I love my life.

Ramble Ramble

2008-05-12T13:42:00.004-04:00

As promised.... My Mother's Day present... Ain't it prrrrrrrrrty?

We spent the day yesterday with Jesse's family. His mom made a great brunch for all us mommies which made it seem a little odd since she's a mommy too and shouldn't be working on Mother's Day!!! buuuut she did it, with a smile. As always. I love that family as if they were my own. I am so happy that I got to spend it with them. I noticed the smile I couldn't erase off of my face as I watched Jesse's mom read a few books to Bailee and Justin. She has such patience and such a nurturing way with the little ones. It's no wonder that Jesse and his sister turned out to be so mellow and soft spoken.

Shannon was there too. All be it she was there alone, without her ex/sometimes/current hubby, Dave. I really feel bad for them. She just wants to be her and he just can't forgive. I think it's beyond fair that he spend mother's day with the mother of his child, because they are trying to work out their marriage... but instead he chose to be elsewhere.

Shannon graduated over the weekend. She has her masters completed and starts as a speech therapist today. Oddly enough I feel more proud of her than I think her parents are. Of course with how mellow they both are, you could light the house on fire and they would be like "yeah, whatever"...lol.

Anyway, the day turned out great. My kids signed a great mother's day card for me as did Jesse. I was greeted with pancakes and bacon and LOTS of hugs and kisses... oh I can't forget the "HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!!" over and over. God I love those kids. So much it hurts. Can you beat the "big squeeze" hugs you get from a 3 year old???? Or the "fish faced" kisses from a 4 year old??? Or even the constant hugs from a 9 year old who ALWAYS says he loves me. I AM the luckiest mother in the world. Times infinity.

Since we spent the day with Jesse's family we got home around 6:30. I warmed up some leftover pizza for the kids to have for dinner and got them ready for bed. They were snuggled in their beds around 8pm. Jesse and I didn't get to make dinner for ourselves, mostly because it got too late by the time we were hungry. I ended up eating some Spicy and Sweet doritos, granola bar and some strawberries for dinner. Nice Mother's Day dinner, huh? We initially bought steaks to have last night, but instead we will have them tonight. Belated Mother's Day dinner, but hey.......

Jesse is going to be on 2nd shift for awhile. Probably well into the summer. I am severely depressed at the thought. You would think it would be nice to have him home until 1:30pm, but between his naps and staying in bed while I do my chores.... I don't see him much. Its lonely..... and I don't know how much more I can take, but one things for sure...... no part time job for me. And THAT sucks.

Wow this is a lot of rambeling.......

Oh, one more thing, did I tell you that I got a Happy Mother's Day from Al's gf and NOT from Al? In fact, she bought me a tea set for Mother's day and I can't even get a text message from my ex husband.... who is SUPPOSED to be a friend. I AM the mother of your children asshole and whether you know it or not...... I deserve way the eff better than I got when I married you. so pnbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb!!!

haha

Hope I didn't bore you too much.

WOW

2008-05-11T17:41:00.004-04:00

Wow. Of all the things I have read on post secret this one is the one that screams at me. This is just like a thought out of my own head.

Does she know I love her? Did she think I wanted her to give up? I miss her.

If it weren't for the overwhelming love I felt from Jesse and the kids today I would have broken down many times.

I am the luckiest mom in the world to have such great kids. They are my world and I will try and try until I am blue in the face to NEVER make them feel like I did in the last few years of my moms life. I love them too much.

To the best kids in the world, I love you.

And to Jesse for making it one of the best mother's day's ever... I love you baby.

xoxo

Mother's Day

2008-05-10T18:48:00.003-04:00

Just a short post to wish ALL the mother's out there a Happy Mother's Day!

Being a mommy is the most difficult "job" in the world but it is also the most rewarding. Enjoy the day with your kiddos!!!!

I miss my mom. My grandmother sent me a jewelry box for my daughter that was given to her by my aunt who cleared out my mother's things. It broke my heart to see it and made me remember my mom. I shed a tear or two and put it away for when Bailee is older. My mom was taken way too soon. She should be here to spend Mother's Day ( and all days ) with me and the children. She was sick and tired of being sick and just gave up. She deserved her last years to be happy and pain free. It makes me realize how important my time is with my children. I want to give them the memories of me that I have of my mom.......The laughs, the good times, the good talks I had with her, the closeness I felt.... I only hope I can give one iota what my mother gave me in life.

I miss you mom, Happy Mother's Day. I wish you were here.

Just when you think.....

2008-05-07T12:00:00.002-04:00

Just when you think my ex husband is an ass.... he comes through!

He will be paying child support once a month instead of every other week. Starting next week he will be paying ALL of the child support! Apparently it works out better for his pay schedule and I am happy to oblige, because honestly, that means rent can come out of one place and not over 2 weeks like we have been doing. WOOHOO. I effing LOVE that. Paying rent is gooooooood.

So yeah, Im still working out. I did cardio this morning and I LOVE IT. Walking cardio. I felt it everywhere. I think I am going to add that 20 mins into my routine. Seriously, anyone who has "on demand" from Time Warner... check out exercise TV. Its free. And has A MILLION different programs you can do.

Hold on, kids are fighting. I will be back.

hmph

2008-05-06T14:08:00.002-04:00

I honestly have nothing to say today.

I wish I did.

But, I don't......

haha

I'm still working out. Although last night, in my sorrow, I started drinking......

DIET COKE.

No I am not kidding. Last night I must have had like 3 glasses of diet coke. I just wanted something and that was better than the bag of chips or the chocolate bar. Oh well, sue me.

First night without Jesse home SUCKED. The kids were horrendous. Bouncing off the walls in every direction. We walked to the store TWICE, because we couldn't carry everything we needed... well that and I forgot a couple of important things. By the time we got home the kids were ready to fall over. BUT they still managed to jump all over gods creation screaming AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! like they had enough sugar to kill a small country. Holy shit. I was glad when 8:30pm hit and I could put them to bed. I love my kids, but not when they are demon children spewing green pea soup. Seriously.

I say that as I sit here watching Stuart Little with the kids..... Justin laying on the floor with his pillow and blankie and Bailee staring at the TV in that "kid" way....... So cute. when they are quiet.

hahahahah

I kid.

Anywho. That's about it.... day 2 of Jesse working 2nd shift. Grocery shopping this morning and then lunch at wendy's. Followed by Jesse leaving for work. BOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I hate this whole working thing. I wish there was a way we could live and not work. I mean, maybe there would be part time jobs that would pay like 100.00 an hour so you only had to work like 10 hours a week.

ah well, a woman can dream.

hmph.

3rd night

2008-05-05T14:21:00.002-04:00

Officially, last night is the THIRD night that the cats have kept me up all night long. I don't know what the issue is, but they are effing crazy. Between a brother cat trying to fuck his brother and the little ones running and doing skydiving moves off my face, I am done with everything furry. No more cute little pink collar, no more awwww they are sleeping together and NO MORE I love how they play togethers....... They are all on my shit list and if I don't get sleep soon, I will explode.

I would have had a perfect weekend if I had any sleep. I didn't get a break. I asked Jesse nicely to call his parents to see if they would watch Justin so we could go to a movie or something and he didn't. So, alas, I remained a crazed mama for the entire weekend. Granted, 2 less crazies, but still.... I so need an adult night out. Even if its just to a movie. Is that so hard to understand?

I got an early mothers day present :)

It looks expensive, but it was on sale for Mother's Day for like half the price. I bought it for me in honor of my mom and now it occupies my left ring finger and will never leave my hand.

I should have taken a picture of it because Kay jewelrs stupid website does not have a picture of it... lol. I'll describe it....

It's 2 pear shaped saphires point to point with tiny diamonds in the band, set in white gold. It's super pretty and was only.... are you ready??? 40.00. actually 39.99..... I know, hot right? I'm sure the saphires are "lab created" but I don't care. It's pretty and I LOOOOOVE it!!!!

OH! And, I bought a new vaccuum. I have used it about 20 times since Saturday and I effing love it. I'm boring. I know.

Moving on...........

I have been getting text messages from Al's mom all weekend. She is pissed at him for one reason or another... mostly because he doesnt respond to her messages. ***** I wouldn't either if she texts him even a centimeter as much as she texts me. But hey...... it made me mad because it seems everytime I have 2 less kids, she is on the horn texting the shit out of me. I mean why do I care if he doesn't answer your texts and how much you hate his girlfriend???? And of course, I let Al know that his mom is pissed about him not returning messages and he just said "dont tell me anymore, I don't need anymore stress in my life"..... apparently I do. whatever.

Jesse has been amazing the last couple of days. Since he's working 2nd shift this week he even helped me this morning by starting laundry and the dishwasher. It was really nice having him home for the morning. I even took a nap cuddling with him which I LOVE to do.

As soon as Jesse walked out the door this afternoon, BOOM, kids are NUTSO. WTF????

So I guess this post ends with a "CALGON TAKE ME AWAY".... pretty please with sugar and chocolate syrup on top?????

Break me.

2008-05-02T11:08:00.002-04:00

ok lots going on......

First off, I am still dieting. I have discovered that I have exercise on demand and can pick from a variety of workout shows that WORK EVERY OUNCE OF MY BODY.... today is day 2 of the exercise regimen and I am doing ok. I have a 5 day a week plan totalling about 34 minutes each day, except for Friday which is butt and legs day, that is only 20 minutes. I am, giving myself the weekend off..... I know I know... but I don't need to hurt myself. Maybe once I get accustomed to working out again I will add the weekends in, until then 5 days a week with a 1 month goal of losing 10 pounds. I have a starting weight a week into my diet and plan to go from there. I am buying a scale and some light weights this weekend and will try like a mo fo to get this job done. I am done being fat. DONE. I did it before and WILL do it again.

Next, Bailee is sick :( 101 fever, lethargic, stuffy..... the whole 9. Last 2 days she's been falling asleep on the living room floor in the middle of the day, I knew this was coming. I texted her dad last night to let him know that she was sick and he CALLED HER TO SAY HE LOVES HER AND HOPES SHE FEELS BETTER! I was SHOCKED. He did so good last night I might ALMOST say he was a good dad! ALMOST......

Thankfully I get a break this weekend. I am ready. To have little ones around me ALL THE TIME without one ounce of break, even to pee, is getting to me. The questions constantly and the fighting with each other just makes me want to bash my head against the wall. I am looking forward to just having Justin this weekend. It's just easier with one. even if its not a full break. Damn I wish I could have a FULL break. ugh.

The cat situation is not any better. Daddy whore cat is still trying to fuck his son. I have no idea why. My kitten, Lola, is pretty with her pink rhinestone collar but she is not old enough to be fucked by anyone, including her father. It pisses me off. I had a "talk" with Jesse last night and his only solution is to fix them. Well, that's all fine and great, but we cannot have 10 cats forever. I said "I guess I just don't have a say in it" and then I said "what would you do if you came home to find one cat outside"... he said "I would put you and the kids out there, too"........ he was half way kidding, but half not. The cats ALWAYS come first. and it pisses me off. It will, no doubt be the downfall of this relationship. The money situation was solved.... now this. I don't see a solution if he's not willing to give in a little. I'll be damned if we are keeping the new kittens once they arrive. NO FUCKING WAY. I am going to warn him. The ONLY reason we kept Lola was because her brothers died and I somehow feel like I should watch over her. I know that sounds weird. But its true. I could care less about the others. Oh well, fuck em.

Damn my body hurts. Today was butt and legs. My ass hurts on top of the stomach and arms from yesterday. And the arches of my feet hurt, which is weird. lol.

I guess that's really it.

Bailee and Justin are playing with Kevin's He-man figures and they are taking pictures of each other with make believe phones. Man-e-faces just told He-man to SMILEEEE!!! NICE PICTURE! hahahahahah

I love these kiddos. With all my effing heart. I would NOT trade them for the world. I just need a little break.

A small teeny tiny break.

One cat

2008-05-01T07:32:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to say that there is one cat in the house who keeps sowing his seed in his daughter and his "wife"..... since they are both pregnant he has now gone after my KITTEN ( who is a girl ) and HIS SON.........

I am 2 seconds from throwing his ass outside.

I have had it.

Stuff

2008-04-30T13:41:00.002-04:00

Since the start of my diet I have been making due with what I have in the house for food. Basically, I have been living on water, 90 calorie granola bars and whatever we might have for dinner ( portion controlled ). I usually do give myself ONE glass of Diet C0ke per day which usually holds off until like 3 or 4pm.... by then I am a raving bitch and need to tie off the arm so the vein can show itself. Seriously.... I am addicted. BUT, the good news is I only drink ONE GLASS. This is huge for me.

My physical activity has been nothing out of the ordinary tho. I was walking Kevin to school everyday last week which worked wonderfully.... but this week it has been 30 degrees when K leaves for school..... yeah.... can someone call Mother Nature and explain to her that WE NEED HER TO MAKE UP HER EFFING MIND?????? Good god. Justin and Bailee are both sick. Jesse is getting over being sick and Kevin is getting over being sick. I haven't caught it yet, THANK GOD. But holy christ. Do we need to have such drastic temperature drops? 88 to 30 is a bit ridiculous.

I must apologize for my mood yesterday. I am discouraged by the cat situation and am ready to just make some kitties disappear while Jesse is at work. It really didn't help getting woken up by a set of claws into my face either. That made my mood SUCK ASS all day yesterday and for that, I am sorry. Oh, Im probably pms'ing too.... WOOHOO! Fun times.

Did anyone watch How I met your mother last on Monday? Did you guys see that it was about Barney sleeping with Ted's ex girlfriend and how mad Ted got??? yeah, it totally reminded me of my FORMER best friend. And dammit, Ted was only with that girl for a year. Just dating. and Barney is his best friend...... So, I am glad I am warranted by hating my former bestie. Cuz she sucks ass and totally hurt MY feelings by going down that road. It's not about my ex, its about her hurting ME.

moving on.

My ex mother in law asked me if I have a blog. She apparently wants to start one. I DID NOT tell her the URL, but I told her I have one. I have learned my lesson with giving out the URL to every Tom, Dick and Harriet that asks. ( and by Harriet, you all know I mean PEE WEE ) GAWD, do you guys remember those days???? man. I am SO THANKFUL my ex's new girlfriend isn't psycho.... yet.

So yeah...... things here are going ok. Jesse and I are doing well aside from the occassional me getting pissed because he does nothing.... oh and the cats. Other than that we have a great relationship.

Oh did I mention that we have 2 female cats that are prego?????

yeah.

kill me.

Cats and SOB ex husbands

2008-04-29T07:12:00.002-04:00

Everytime I talk to my ex mother in law something comes up that I don't generally know about. It makes me mad because no, I shouldn't be best buds with her, but how else would I find out that he passes the kids off on her so he can go out the TWO NIGHTS a month he has them? Seriously.

He passes up time with the kids to go out. There is something seriously wrong with this. He doesn't take the kids 4 nights a month anymore, hasn't since he met Emily. He takes them at 9am Saturday morning and brings them home 5 or 6pm Sunday evening. WHY would he need to hire a babysitter? WHY.

I hate him. I seriously truth be told HATE him.

And yes, Kevin was upset that his father hired a sitter so he could go out.

Did you guys see what time I am posting this? 7:16am, I have been up for like an hour already because the cats were chasing each other all over the house and using my face as a claw rest spot causing me to bleed from the neck. I am not happy. These cats NEED TO GO. I am not even joking. Last week one of them pissed on the power strip behind the TV that holds the plugs to the DVD player, TV, stereo receiver, CD player and playstation. It started on fire. No I am not kidding. I CLEANED IT UP. Jesse just took the strip and put it in the window in the hallway that leads outside.

Jesse asked how come I don't let Kevin's friends come over here. I told him the truth. Because we have 10 cats and as much as I try to keep this place clean and smelling fresh..... sometimes my efforts just don't help. Its making me crazy. We have 3 litter boxes going that he scoops everyday but still. It smells like cat in here if we don't have the windows open. Its embarassing. But HE DOESNT CARE.

The other night the cat puked on our bedroom floor. I told Jesse to get off his ass and clean it up. He wiped it and left 2 spots on the carpet. The next morning I CLEANED IT WITH THE CARPET CLEANER.

He won't get rid of the cats. When a friend of ours took one of the little kittens that were just a few weeks old he was "sad" that the cat left. He threw a mini fit that night and was mad at ME for "making him get rid of the kitten".

Its a problem. a big one. If I were to get rid of some of them secretly, he would never forgive me. Is that a chance I am willing to take?

Last night ( and every night ) we are watching TV in our room from our bed and he has 5 cats laying on and around him so I can't get close to him. When I mention something, he leans over to kiss me. Like "is that enough?" He doesn't push the cats off of him.

Am I wrong for being angry about the cats and Al's inconsistent fathering?

gassy caffeine headaches

2008-04-23T13:00:00.003-04:00

What the fuck!!! Have you guys seen the gas prices lately?

I drive a pontiac grand prix and it took 70.00 to fill it up last weekend. SEVENTY dollars. Remember when you could fill up for 20.00?

It's effing scary. What happens when we are spending 100.00 on a fill up??? Will this country do something then????

Probably not, but hey, atleast SOMEONE will have money to eat.

Hey big oil producers.... you fuckers are taking food out of my kids' mouthes. Go fuck yourself. Thank you. the end.

So... how are you????

I'm doing ok.

Well, maybe not ok. I'm lonely as hell. See........ Jesse works, has school and this week he had a doc appt. So I haven't seen him all week. It drives me nuts that I am the only one who sits here all the time with the kids. I really miss the family time we used to have. I really miss doing things after work. I really miss not feeling lonely.

So, that does not affect my diet too well. Especially since I don't have ANY food in the house. *** Can't go grocery shopping today because Jesse has school ( today is his payday, it used to be tuesday which worked in our favor because he didn't have school but now, not so much you can do with wednesday ) fuckers.

I am really trying with this diet. I am drinking water like crazy and limiting my food intake. I also don't eat after 7pm. I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. haha. And I normally get a caffeine headache right about now.... but still only doing 2 glasses of diet soda per day..... 1 2 liter has lasted 3 days and is still 3/4 full. Which is totally hot.......

Ugh, Im struggling.

It'll be ok, I know.

blech.

Day 2

2008-04-22T14:57:00.002-04:00

Day 2 of the diet and its going ok.

It would go better if I had some food in the house, but hey.... who's counting.

I walked Kevin to school again this morning and then took the kids to the park. I also did some crunches in between my 1 hour of TV I am allowing myself. Of course, I was watching Rachel Ray...lol. Didn't do much for my hunger.

Dammit.

I did drink 100 ounces of water yesterday. I am pushing 80 already today. WOOHOO!

Not much else new here. Busy as usual. I frickin pray I have lost some weight by the time I go to docs on Friday. If I see anything bigger than 215 I will cry. Right there in the docs office. No joke.

I want to thank you all for the awesome comments you left. Thank you for the compliments too. I so appreciate it. Sometimes I just need to hear those things from the outside, ya know? It made my heart warm and fuzzy.... thanks guys.

So yeah.... that's really it.

Oh, I do want to say, to my friend Kay.... I'm so sorry for everything thats going on. I don't know what I would do if my baby went off to join the Marines, probably same as you, bawl my eyes out until I had no more tears. Hugs. to you and Cam. <3

The diet

2008-04-21T09:24:00.002-04:00

Did y'all see/feel the weather this weekend in Buffalo??? It was 88 degrees on Saturday and SUNNY all weekend. It was AMAZING.

The only problem? NONE of my summer clothes fit.

I have apparently gained A LOT of weight over the winter. Depressing, right?

Ugh.

I gave away all my big clothes because I swore I would NEVER be this big again.

2 summers ago I could wear a bikini and look good. This summer, my "fat" swimsuit even looks bad.

I was so disgusted with myself... still am. I cannot believe I let myself go this much. I have no idea how much I weigh but I do know that I hit the 215 mark at my last doc appt. Which was in January. I have been trying to lose since then by giving up candy, sweets etc.... That alone was enough last time I lost weight. It didn't work this time. I don't think I have gained anymore weight since January, if anything I have stayed. BUT, its still enough to make my size 16 jeans not fit me anymore. Well, they fit, but I have a slight muffin top, which is gross and enough to make me want to hurl.

SO, I decided to change that.

As of today, I am doing what Ladiebug suggested. I haven't gone grocery shopping yet, but I have enough change in mind to add atleast 45 mins of exercise in the morning and drinking only 2 glasses of diet pop per day and filling in the blanks with water. The rest is just moderation in food until I can go grocery shopping.

The best part? Jesse agreed to do this with me. Thank you jebus.

I went into walmart to buy a clothes for the kids and thought I would try on some shorts for me since my shorts don't fit anymore and I bought a size 19. They are slightly big. But I wanted something comfy to wear around the house and outside with the kids. Something that was presentable and NOT my sweatshorts that I normally wear around the house. NINETEEN. That was enough to make me bawl my eyes out in the dressing room. Well that and the fact that I actually purchased some clothing from walmart. I frickin hate that store. But hey, they were only 10 bucks.

So thats the story. I am disgusting and cannot for the life of me figure out what the hell happened. In talking to Lindsy, she suggested that maybe I am not eating enough. And I am guessing she's right. I only eat when I am starving and by dinner time when I get a full meal, it sticks to my stomach and ass like gum.

I seriously cannot believe I just posted my weight on the web for all to see.

wow.

carry on.

Penis is a funny word

2008-04-18T11:25:00.004-04:00

After some research and some thinking I think I am going to submit a mother daughter story to the author who commented in my last entry. The only problem??? I have no idea where to start. There is so much! Ups and downs, happy and sad, life and death.... where do you start? Maybe that's a thought for a day when it isn't SUNNY and 70 DEGREES outside.

Oh yeah, SPRING HAS SPRUNG PEOPLE. THANK GOD. Today I got the kitchen cleaned and ready for spring, I also got laundry started WITH the only items of summer clothing the children have that still fit them.... and thats not much. lol. Damn kids are growing. WHY??? WHYYYYYYYY??????

Kevin and Bailee go with Allyn tonight. THANK GOD. I am in SUCH a need for a break. I love my kids, but having Kevin home all week has made for a BUSY week and LOTS of sibling fighting. OMG the fighting. Kevin has officially taken on the KNOW IT ALL attitude. It drives me insane. INSANE. But, I realize its a phase and I realize that there's not much I can do about it but still.... I.N.S.A.N.E.

Did I mention that my 3 year old called me a penis the other day? I should probably clarify why he called me a penis. He thought I said Penis when I was talking about "felix" our cat. So he said "no your a penis"..... and yeah, I laughed. So did he. Lets pray he doesn't call his PreK teacher a penis and we will be set.

I don't mince words when I am trying to teach them their body parts. Although I have been known to call the V a HOOHA and the Penis a Peeper. We have started the correct names. That's why he thought it was funny to call me a penis the other day. I am totally admitting that it WAS in fact funny to hear my 3 year old say a grown up word. Atleast he has stopped saying FUCK and DAMMIT. right?

haha... Im kidding.

Anywhooooooooooooo.... here's to having a fan-fucking-tastic weekend. WOOOOOOOOT!

Memories

2008-04-16T13:12:00.004-04:00

Have you ever heard a noise or smelled a smell and had it remind you of some great memory that made you want to literally jump out of your current time and visit the past when that memory was created?

yeah me too.

It happened today as a matter of fact.

When my family moved from Wayland to Buffalo we had to sell almost all of our appliances. So as you can imagine we had no fridge, no stove and no dishwasher ( duh dunnn dunnnnnn ) . My parents went out one morning and bought this BRAND new fridge and stove. The fridge had one of those ice makers in it with the water thingie that was DA BOMB. I mean really..... I thought we were RICHIE RICH because our fridge could give me cold water and ice cubes without using the sink or ice cube trays. *** I found out later that the fridge was a pain in the ass and leaked all the damn time and everywhere we moved it was a CHORE to hook that baby up. Fo sho. Anyway, my mother drank ALL her beverages with ice cubes in it. ALL, even water. It's one of those things where if I heard that sound I knew she was home from work or up from sleeping. It's just that kind of noise.......

I heard that sound today and it immediately made me remember. It made me remember my mom and how I KNOW she loved me. It made me remember how she supported me when I was younger when I needed it. It made me remember how I kissed both my parents goodnight until I moved in with Allyn at 21 years of age. It made me remember how close I used to be to my parents......

It made me miss my mom.

I wish I had pleasant memories of her last few years. It pains me that I don't. I wish I could change it. I wish she wasn't sick. I wish she didn't die. I wish my dad hadn't have left her when she needed him most. I wish her mind was ok enough to know that what she was telling my family about me and my father wasn't true.

It's so sad when you lose someone your not ready to lose. In my case it was my mom. I know she's watching me. I know she's my angel. And to some extent thats ok. I just wish I could hug her. I just wish I could watch my moms reaction when my comedienne daughter calls me a buttboobie or my 9 year old acts just like I did as a kid. I wish I could see her smile when my sweet little 3 year old calls me a penis.

Call it selfish, call it sadness even though it isn't, call it what you will. I miss my mom.........

I love the memories. It's the touching I miss. The laughter that she used to let out when my father did something funny. The smells and the sounds. Ice cubes and all.

Jobs suck my left toe.

2008-04-14T18:14:00.003-04:00

I usually start off posts with a title and then ramble on with my shit.

But lately I have noticed that I have been adding a title, writing my post and then going back and erasing the title to more suit the post. Weird? maybe. But then again who says I'm normal?

The weekend was lazy. With a capital LAZY. We laid in bed until like 2pm and then got showered and ventured out to the store to pick up dinner or whatever we needed. Seriously it was a lazy lazy LAZY weekend. But it was nice. I spent some close time with Jesse and the kids pretty much amused themselves.... It makes me happy when they all play together nicely. That is, no one is hitting, punching or pulling on the other. L-O-V-E it.

So yeah....

On friday Jesse was told by his foreman that the jobsite he was working on was done and that he should "take a long weekend" and maybe they will find another job on Monday ( today ) that he can go to on Tuesday. He would call Jesse today to let him know where to go on Tuesday.

Here we are... 6:12pm and still haven't heard anything.

DUDE! Don't you know time is money??? He don't work, he don't get paid. SERIOUSLY. Thats a SCARY thought. We can "afford" 1 day MAYBE 2. But no more. It's scaring me. I don't want to lose any money.... It's making me a wee bit nervous that he may not work at all this week. If thats the case, unemployment will be filed. Thus meaning we will be back to being POOR.

Fuck.

Pray??? please. and thank you.

Oh did I mention that I quit AE like 2 weeks ago???? Not that I was working enough to make more than 20.00 a month, but still. It makes me feel like a loser that we are relying on his income and WE KNEW that he would be laid off at some point because thats the nature of the business but still. WTF????

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Medication shmedication.

2008-04-11T15:22:00.003-04:00

Sooooooo I've been out of my cymbalta for like 3 days. My head is spinning and I feel totally disconnected from my body. It's a weird scary not so good kinda feeling. blech.

Did I tell you guys I was on cymbalta? yep. When my mom died I was put on Zoloft which stopped working all together about a year later. Then they tried me on some other meds of which I took upon myself to take my body/head off of them all together causing me to spiral downward FAST. So, they tried cymbalta and it worked. Well sort of. I have gone from having everyday be a bad day to just once in awhile. which is a good thing. for all peeps involved, ya know wha Im sayin?

So yeah, that's where I have been.

Seriously, I am just irritated with the fact that we have not had a free night to go grocery shopping in WEEKS thus causing me not to get to the store to pickup my meds. There is NO food in the house for the daytime and eating out every night is getting old. The other night I had a chicken mcnugget meal from Mcd's that literally tasted like wood. Not the good wood that beavers eat.... hard, crappy beach wood that tastes like someone vomitted it up twice. TWICE people.... it was awful.

Anyway, in other news my ex husband decided to help me out and give us a ride to Bailee's first dentist appointment this morning. He waited outside, but hey, atleast he was able to help, right? She has PERFECT teeth and ZERO cavities. Justin even got a ride in the fun up and down chair. The kids had a blast.

Im so exciting aren't I?

NOT.

haha

I just wanna say

2008-04-08T17:32:00.001-04:00

I just wanna say that PMS sucks.

I don't feel pretty.

I CERTAINLY don't feel thin.

And lord help the jar of peanut butter that I just took like 10 spoonfulls from........

The.end.

Bike riding is so fun

2008-04-07T18:46:00.002-04:00

I spent another day outside and I have got to say I LOVE IT. I am SO HAPPY that the sunshine has made its annual appearance. I even have sunburn on my chest!!!!! Me and my low cut shirts.... haha.

So as you can see I took some pics of the kiddos. The sun was in their eyes..... but I kept snappin pics! Justin does so well on his bike. I am just amazed. Bailee always had no fear so I am not surprised that she just keeps going and going..... I cannot wait to get Kevin out there too.

After our late morning/afternoon romp outside I took the kids to the store to get an ice cream. $8.37 later..... I had chocolate covered faces, a sunburned chest and smiles all around.

Could today BE any better????

Bring on tomorrow!

Stupid is as stupid does

2008-04-07T10:11:00.002-04:00

I got a call at 8:20am from my former bff. I was busy as hell this morning so I didn't call her back.

I signed on to yahoo messenger to find an offline message that says that they are moving in together. They rented a HOUSE next door to my X's mother.

Fuck you Lisa. FUCK YOU.

Seriously... what the fuck do I care??? Does she think bragging to me about this shit is really going to make things better?

I am so fucking irritated at the way my life turned out because of my divorce let alone to hear about ANOTHER cheater who got away with it AND ended up better off financially than they were before. WHAT THE FUCK????

DO I need to cheat on Jesse to get a better financial life?

GAWD. It's bullshit guys. COMPLETE bullshit.

So Bob gets for fork over more than HALF of his weekly paycheck for child support and alimony while she gets to live it up with Jason and his money.... WHAT THE FUCK.

This makes me angry.

It reminds me of my ex husband and his money. I'll bet she will be forking over visitation too like he does and making excuses as to why her new boyfriend is more important than her children.

Unbelievable.

How stupid can you be????

I forgot to mention

2008-04-04T13:31:00.003-04:00

I forgot to mention that he is paying. He never said he wasn't..... I just have a problem with him even asking to wait on CS.

Your right, I should file to have his wages garnished. And he KNOWS the first time he doesn't pay he will get served with papers.

He wanted to wait and pay me in 2 weeks. I told him that he cannot delay child support and that I needed it. He said he would figure something out.

The point of my posts was really that I am tired of hearing about HOW POOR he is. I mean really???? 6,000 a month and he needs to eff with child support??? good lord. It makes me mad that his girlfriend doesn't pay for the bills. It makes me angry that things are the way they are.

So, who thinks I should quit AE and get a different part time job with better and guaranteed hours?

*** not to get off the subject or anything ;)

You know what

2008-04-04T10:20:00.003-04:00

I am fucking pissed off.

Boohoo that he has no fucking money. I haven't worked in 4-5 weeks and CANNOT work during the day because I have 2 toddlers attached to my hip and cannot afford the 1600.00 to put them in daycare and then the afterschool care for my 9 year old would cost more. We don't qualify for daycare assistance because Jesse makes almost 20.00 an hour. WHAT THE FUCK.

My ex and his gf make 6000 a month SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS. Where the fuck is their money going that he can say, hey can I wait 2 weeks to feed my kids????

FUCK.

This makes me angry.

Oh good

2008-04-04T10:14:00.003-04:00

My asshole Ex H texts me this morning and tells me he needs to talk to me. I sign on to AIM and he immediately starts with the money. THE DAY BEFORE HE IS SUPPOSED TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT......

He is poor, his checking account is negative blah blah blah.....

So the eff what.

I don't fucking care if your account is negative 900.00 MAYBE you should ask your GIRLFRIEND to pay half the bills and then YOU wouldn't be in this spot.

Just sayin

Breaking, broken and just plain stupid

2008-04-03T12:55:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I was talking to Al via IM and he sort of stopped chatting for a minute. He came back and said he was sorry and that Amy just called him. I said oh. He said, she called him from Texas. Im like ok. AND? haha .... He said that Amy had broken up with her rich MARRIED boyfriend and immediately moved to Texas. She called him to say "why does this always happen to me" blah blah blah. I didn't ask anymore questions.... other than the obvious.

"Have you messed around with her since you two broke up?"

He answered me.... said just once. haha.

So I got to thinking and I decided to ask him how many women he had been with while he and I were together. He said none. ( I don't believe it for a second, don't worry ) Then he went into this story about a woman that we used to work with. The same woman who once called his cell phone and left a dirty message while Al was out of town and I heard it. She came over and told me that it was no big deal and that it was a wrong number. Anyway, at the time, I KNEW something was up between them, I just had NO IDEA it included Pee Wee...... he said, and I am quoting "none, but I did fuck Felecia D and so did Amy"

Wow..... REALLY?

He said that FD and Pee Wee used to have sex with this woman quite regularly. Wow. What a lifestyle.....

He has told me before that they used to swing and had MULTIPLE sexual partners I just never expected it to be someone I know. Ya know??? But I guess that's the life of a stripper. No joke. Scary is what it is.... lol.

I'm not condemming anyone for their lifestyle but NO WONDER Pee Wee is so messed up. She is so young and really whored herself out for anything and anyone. It's so sad. I feel really bad for her.

And yes, I have seen pictures and videos. EEK!

So that's all I have to say about that. Quite funny isn't it?

Everytime I sign onto AIM he buzzes me... every single effing time! So, that's why I'm not on AIM much......

So what else is new???

My former best friend and I have been talking a bit. She tells me one thing and then her soon to be ex hubby tells me another. I just listen and stay the eff out of it. They are already filed for divorce and have restraining orders against each other..... sounds fun doesn't it? And the kids.... well, her kids are balling because she spends HOURS with my ex fiance on the phone when she is supposed to be spending time with her kids. The soon to be ex hubby is going out drinking every single night and fucking just about anyone that breathes on him. I have no idea what's the truth. I don't really care really, the restraining orders are ridiculous, she did it first and then he followed. She did it because he tried to hug her when she went to leave one day. ( she told me this ) I think its stupid and immature and REALLY hurting the kids. My former BFF has already called crisis services to talk to her middle son because he is showing violent tendencies and really starting to act out by saying things like "your not my mother anymore" and "I want dad". When the councelor came over she said that her middle child finally said WHY he's so angry with her. Former BFF and EX Fiance have been together 1 month and her hubby has been gone for what like 3 weeks and she ALREADY has her kids spending holidays with my ex fiance and his family. I even told her... ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Thats too soon. No wonder middle son is acting out. Seriously. "Dads gone and now we have another dad"... NOT RIGHT. Even I waited 6 months before I introduced ANYONE I was dating to my kids. And even then was too soon. I feel SO BAD for those kids, I really truly do.

Anyway, my kiddos are all doing ok. Bailee can count to 10 in spanish. Justin is trying. Kevin is doing OK in school. He has officially hit that age where he TRIES to play sick and stay home. Ugh, it makes me mad. lol. He's not a very good actor, but don't tell him I said that. It is kinda funny too.... I wish I could describe how he does it..... lol.

So yeah...... Things between Jesse and I are ok. I have been feeling a bit lonely lately. I am locked up in this house with the kids a lot and that totally pounds on my brain way too much. Between the kids and the cats I need a break so bad I can taste it.

Maybe I will get a break when I go to work this weekend.

Maybe not.

Pee Wee sucks Kitty Porn

2008-04-01T12:27:00.007-04:00

For anyone who is interested in seeing whats new with pee wee you can google her name. If you don't have it, email me and I will send it to you. It's pretty effing funny. No blog or anything like that, but she has a new career. And she sold her POS house on the west side of buffalo for like 130,000 !!!?!?!??!?! I can't even believe that. lol.

On another note, I am really starting to get nerved about my XH's new girlfriend.

His mom texts me once in awhile and usually its to say stupid shit about what I am supposadly NOT doing for my ex husband. But once in awhile she apologizes for being so rude and starts spewing unknown details about how awful the new gf is and how she HATES her. She even went as far as to call her a fat bunny for easter. And if you know his mother, thats SO out of character for her. I mean really out of character. She usually doesn't revert to name calling. Anyway, the kids don't usually complain about her, of course they didn't complain about Pee wee either.... but Bailee was young and K was about hanging out with Dad. So idk, I am really praying that Emily doesn't turn into Pee wee. She's much older, but still seems VERY immature. Also has a drinking problem according to his mom. I mean she would know, she lived with them for like 8 months. I guess I will just keep an eye on it and stay as FAR out of it as possible.

Anywho, not much else going on. I am still sick, still thinking its the mold problem. Last night I pretty much had it with everything and got pissed off enough to tell Jesse what was wrong. It makes me angry that when I am sick I don't get to lay around and do nothing and get waited on hand and foot but when he's sick.. omg, the world must stop. He can call into work, school and everyday life while I STILL have to do everything. I was totally ready to fall over from exhaustion last night. No one cared..... it made me mad. I don't blame the kids, but having them nag on me makes it harder, ya know? Being a mom of 3 + 1 and 10 cats does not make for an easy day and I just want SOMEONE ( ahemmm, Jesse) to realize that.

GAWD I cannot believe I just admitted out loud that we have 10 cats. Its embarassing. Most are male and fight over the female when she's in heat. They knock shit over and piss all over and are just NOT my cup of tea. I can deal with 3 and thats the legal limit for Erie county. Jesse on the other hand won't give ANY up. Want pics? Here you go...... all 10.

From top to bottom:

1) Willow ( mama to Lola and 2 other kittens that passed away, father of her litter is Asher, her father )

2) Kitty ( mama to Felix, willow, ozzy and little kitten, father is Asher )

3) Little Kitten ( I think we are calling him Panda Bear )

4) Lola ( my kitty and yes I will be buying her a pink diamond studded colar very soon )

5) Marly ( AKA Pain in the ass and attention hog from Jesse )

6) Ozzy

7) Asher ( AKA BIG HORNDOG )

8) Cookie Bonkers ( AKA crazy MO FO )

9) Felix

10) Jax

AKA WHY I HATE CATS.

Ok not all cats............

OH MY GAWD

2008-03-31T13:56:00.002-04:00

So my ex husband and I talk via AIM sometimes. Occassionally we talk about other things than the kids making our "relationship" purely friendship.

The other day I had heard that he was on myspace. And he is. I requested him as a friend. He didn't accept the request for a few days so today I asked him.

"hey how come you didn't add me as a friend on myspace?"

"because I am scared"

"what? why? afraid I will cyber bite you?"

Then he goes into this BIG LONG discussion about how he has to explain to his girlfriend why we text ( before I had a computer ).

WOAH. Wait. So you have to explain to your girlfriend why the mother of your children texts you sometimes? REALLY? Do we really want to go down the Pee Wee road again? Seriously.

Get a grip.

Here we go again.

So yeah, Not too much new here. We went to Maple Weekend in Arcade NY yesterday. It was a lot of fun. A shaky start.... oddly enough Jesse's parents went with us, we were following them because Jesse isn't familiar with the area and Jesse's dad was going a little over the speed limit. He got pulled over. Arcade cops are PRICKS.... they have the same speed traps and totally will get you going 5 over the limit. It goes from 30 to 55 and back to 30 in less than a mile. its nuts. Anyway, we didn't know the limits and Jesses dad got pulled over and since we were following we just leaned over to the side of the road and waited. The cop got out of the car and pointed for us to pull up too. DAMMIT! If we hadn't of stopped, we prob would have not gotten a ticket. But the cop was so nice and just gave his dad and us a parking ticket. MUCH cheaper than a speeding ticket and won't go on the license or insurance. THANK GOD. But that was the most exciting part of the trip so I guess we can't complain. The weather was gorgous. We stopped at this sugar shack and saw how they make maple syrup. The kids got a kick out of tasting it. And then we went out for breakfast at this cute little diner. It was a lot of fun. Sick or not I totally went and I LOVE hanging out with Jesse's parents. They are cool peeps. Fo realz yo.

So anywho, we came home and totally crashed. We watched our BB9 and Rock of Love and went to sleep. God I love Sunday trash TV.

Oh and hello, Bret Micheals???? Will you marry me??? Pretty please???

Ending thought: I hate my ex husband.

haha

Moldy insurance

2008-03-29T19:35:00.003-04:00

Sooooo, how's your weekend?

Mine is going pretty well. Jesse has been home since Thursday because he had to work an overnight Thursday into friday, only worked 4 hours and got paid for 12 AND he got scrap copper to take back which gave us an extra 140.00 to play with this weekend. WOOHOO! We took the kids out for dinner on Friday night and then out to lunch today. Cheap stuff, but you know, the kids will enjoy anything and whats better to do when you have a little money and DONT want to go to the mall??? eat crappy fast food. haha.

It snowed yesterday. I kid you not. We now have a fresh coat of snow on the ground that covers what we BARELY saw before of the green stuff on the ground we once called grass. It pisses me off that its STILL cold and yucky. STILL snowing and NOT SUMMER YET. GOD, how long does a girl have to wait to get a tan??? How long does a girl have to wait to relax outside with a good book while allowing the kids to squirt themselves with VERY cold water allowing them to laugh themselves into oblivion????

I digress.

So, Im sick again. Since I have lived here I have been sick more times than I have in the last 4 years. We have lived here since August. Seriously. I don't know what the problem is.... or maybe I do. See, in my bedroom there is a HUGE closet that goes along the front half of the house. In that closet is the peak on the side roof that apparently has a leak in it. It leaked all winter and caused a TON of black mold behind some rubbermaid bins I had sitting in that corner. The entire corner of the closet was black as high as the bins were stacked. I got in there the other day and bleached the fuck out of it and the wall is now white. My landlord is aware of the issue. I threw away anything that had one spore of mold on it. So let me ask you this.... in my reading of the internet today I discovered that because I am here a lot and because I am not in stellar physical condition could it be that this mold problem is causing me to get sick? Im calling the doctor this week to get an appointment for other things, but will ask about the black mold thing. Last week after I bleached out the closet I was achy for 2 days like I was sick, even tho the rest of me felt fine I was just achy all over. Not muscle tired, just a dull ache. So now I am concerned.

OH! that reminds me... good news!!!! My insurance was reinstated as of March 1st which means that I can get my script refilled and I can go get my girly appt out of the way. WOOHOO! After that whole breast cancer scare I am making sure I take care of myself and I am already overdue. Sooooooo, next week is doctor-rama in the hizzzouse.

fo sho.

Other than that, nuthin goin on.

a father

2008-03-27T19:20:00.003-04:00

Blogger is pissing me off.

It's no secret that Jesse and I have been together for 4 years. 4 years and 3 months to be exact. Kevin was 4 when I met Jesse and Bailee was a few weeks old. Jesse is really the only father that Bailee has ever known for the simple fact that Jesse has been here EVERY SINGLE DAY since she was a few weeks old. He takes her to doc appts, he hugs her and tells her he loves her, he is here when she is sick, plays with her, cooks for her, helps get her dresses... the list goes on. And we have ALWAYS encouraged her relationship with Allyn and told her that she's lucky enough to have 2 daddy's who love her very much.

When I got pregnant with Justin and was living in my old house, Kevin asked Jesse if he could call him daddy. Jesse accepted and its been that way since that day. The kids all call Jesse daddy and have no problem with it.

Recently Kevin came home calling Jesse by his first name, when asked why I was told by Kevin that his father ( Allyn ) told him that it makes him sad when Kevin calls Jesse, daddy.

Ugh.

I explained to Kevin that Jesse is a father to Kevin and it is totally up to him what he decides to call him and to not be pressured by what Al said. Kevin decided when he is here that he will call Jesse, daddy and when he is with Allyn he will call Jesse by his name. We accepted that and moved on.

Jesse was leaving for work tonight ( he is on a weird 3rd shift for tonight only ) and Bailee and Justin hugged and kissed Jesse goodbye, said I love you's and as Jesse was leaving Bailee said "now remember, he is Jesse not daddy"

Double ugh.

I know it bothers Allyn that the kids call Jesse Daddy. Allyn has brought it up to me many times. I COMPLETELY understand why it would bother him but truthfully it isn't about what Al or I want. When Kevin asked Jesse if he could call him daddy we were floored. We didn't know what to say. Jesse just accepted it and we sort of dropped the subject. Right or wrong, it worked and helped all of us feel like a family.

Allyn is a great father when the kids are with him. BUT the kids are with him 4 days a month. ( every other weekend ) and thats it. So what defines a father? Kevin is old enough to know that Allyn and I were married and that Allyn is his birth father but Jesse has been there everyday and helped me raise the kids making him a father too. Bailee isn't old enough and I don't think its fair that Allyn says adult things to Bailee given that he left us when I was pregnant with her. Jesse is the only father that she knows. She's too young to know or remember that Al and I were married and had her and her brother together. She won't know the difference between birth father and "father".

What do you guys think? I hate divorce for this reason. Its so confusing for the kids and maybe I did go about it all wrong but at the time when Kevin asked Kevin wanted a father. Allyn was being less then stellar in the dad department and Kevin needed someone.

input please. and thank you.

Wonderpets weigh what?

2008-03-26T10:09:00.002-04:00

Anyone watch wonderpets? My kids are watching it and let me tell you.... its annoying. A-NOY-ING...... I am going to jump out my living room window if I hear them sing another stupid song.

There, now thats off my chest.

phew!

Ok, here it is. My XBFF has been texting me to get online to chat with her this morning, so I did. I got to see pictures from easter of her and my ex fiance and her KIDS with my ex fiance and wow.... that's all I can say is wow. Moving a little fast? Atleast I waited 6 months to introduce my kids to another man, she waited what like 2 weeks? ugh. Even 6 months was questionable. I just don't understand. And yet, I listen to her bitch about how her soon to be ex hubby is upset and fighting her on everything... well duh!!!! I tried to explain to her that he is the victim. He will only see himself as the victim until he finds someone else. And for him, that won't be in 2 weeks! Ugh....

And there's something else that bothers me about my "friend". She is down to 149 pounds. When I started talking to her again 2 years ago she was way over 200 pounds. All I get to hear about is how much weight she lost. Between that and her new love I am about ready to shoot myself. She does this weight loss by not eating. She does this weight loss by battling bulemia ( so she says ) and doing things that I would never recommend. But I am still jealous as heck. I have gained A LOT of weight. I am over 200 pounds now. Back to what I was when I was with Allyn. I find myself emotionally eating. I have cut WAY down on sweets and now when I want to eat I eat a 90 calorie granola bar. I do portion control, I manage my calorie intake and have not lost one frickin pound. I feel like a fat cow. I hate it. I'm wearing a size 16 jeans tightly. To the point where I have a slight "muffin top" sticking out. I am 5 ft 9 in and feel like a giant fatty.

Being jealous sucks. I know we choose how we react to things but wtf. Lindsy, how did you lose 5 pounds in a week? Will you share? And is hubby doing the same diet???

Congrats by the way, I KNOW you are doing it healthy. So please lmk what your doing :)

Ugh, miserable me.

blech.

Well kids.... here I am

2008-03-25T11:23:00.002-04:00

Im here. I was able to shower today. THANK GOD. After that whole pipe exploding fiasco yesterday I literally felt like the scum of the earth by like 10pm last night. It was fixed by like 6, but Jesse had to shower, the kids had to have baths and Kevin had to shower so by the time I was done with all my "chores" I was beat. In fact, I fell asleep at 8:30pm. And yeah I missed Britney's big debut on "How I met your mother". dammit.

I admit it people. I AM A GOSSIP ADDICT. Seriously. I read Perez Hilton every single god damned day and I am proud of it. I can't get enough of who Lindsay is dating and how much Britney is effed in the head and OMG the Paris Hilton rumors??? LOVE IT. It's a problem and I know this..... but one that I am not ashamed to admit.... well, maybe a little ashamed since no one knows but you online peeps. haha. Regardless, I am upset that I missed Britney's debut so I can comment accordingly on Perez Hilton.com. poop.

I have to work tonight. I don't want to work tonight. During the week is TOUGH. I have to get dinner ready and eaten before I leave at 5:30pm. I have to get the kids ready for bed and the house cleaned up. If I had my way I would eat at 3pm and leave Jesse on his own. He can cook for himself, the kids however cannot. Soooooooo, poop. Oh and we got yet ANOTHER new manager at work. Luckily this one scheduled me today so she could work with me. WOOHOO. Can't wait. I haven't been scheduled for work in 3 weeks and when I was scheduled they called me off. This manager was nice enough to send out this "memo" with my last 45.00 paycheck ( for 2 weeks ) saying that she was queen and don't eff with her or she will eat you. I exaggerate you not. I am not looking forward to this at all. She will make my VERY part time job into DOUBLE full time stress and I totally don't want that. I was thinking of applying at the cookie place in the mall... don't know tho. I REALLY like the discount I get at American Eagle. Buuuuut is it really worth it? At this point the money isn't helping. And there is this answering service within walking distance of my house that I could apply to that has hours available at anytime..... maybe even full time. What do you guys think?

Jesse and I are doing really well. Things are moving along nicely and I am really trying to make this work. There is a future with him. The problem? he has this "friend" and I don't trust it. She goes to school with him. She texts him, its mostly innocent BS, but still. I don't like it. Im having a hard time trusting. That's mostly my own fault, because you DO choose how you react to things.... but there is just something that bugs me. I thought about texting her. I told Jesse I would.... buuuuuuut, idk. it's such a childish thing to do, right?

So I will let you guys ponder on this for a bit, since my ex hubby is IM'ing me, i totally lost my concentration........grrrrrrrrrrr.

Oh, one more thought.... I HATE CATS. the.end.

Is it REALLY my problem?

2008-03-24T15:11:00.005-04:00

Its really no secret that my ex mother in law and I talk occassionally. In fact, we used to talk everyday via text.

Well today she texted me and said that Allyn is driving this expensive Alvalanche because his POS car died. I replied and said, yeah I heard, lol. She replies and said "well its really not funny, he needs a car to work. Then she says, have you given the signed form for Allyn to claim his Kevin on his taxes and if not do it, or else"

Woah. Im sorry, what? or else? REALLY?

So I text back and just say "he hasn't said a word about it"

She says, thanks for the reply.

Um, ok. A) it's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what taxes he owes. B) he's not claiming Kevin and C) Who gives a fuck! ya know????

So why get shitty with his ex wife?

Just sayin.

Happy Easter!

2008-03-24T10:13:00.014-04:00

Some easter pictures....

Yes I know she has her eyes closed...lol.

Kevin and his new bike

Justin and his new bike

Jesse and Justin

A GORGOUS orchid plant at the Gardens

A waterfall at the gardens. I love this picture

Justin Easter Morning

Bunny Justin, I love this picture.

Me and Jesse

Me and Justin

Yeah yeah, I know. Im a day late. BUUUUUT was it not the best easter ever????

ok maybe not the best, but my kids are happy and thats all that matters. The kiddos all got new bikes and baskets loaded with candy. They are all happy as a pig in poo and for that I am EXTRA thankful. Honestly, its the first year I have been able to do something that big for them for easter. Financially, that says a lot. The bills are paid and the kids are happy. I've come a LONG way.

We went to Jesse's parents house, just me, Jesse and Justin. I cooked for 10 peeps and everyone LOVED dinner. I am so happy. I have cooked simple stuff for them, but not something like an Easter dinner. I made Ham and all the fixins. It was yummy.

I didn't have Bailee and Kevin yesterday. That broke my heart. I won't lie. This was the first holiday since we split that the kids spent it with their dad. I was ok with it for the day, but easter morning was not the same without them. Justin didn't know what to do. Everything was quiet and weird. I had hoped it would be ok, and in the "me, jesse and justin" way it was normal, but my kiddos weren't all there for the basket reveal and it was just.... weird. But, the kids got to spent easter morning with their dad and I will say that Allyn was really funny in thinking that he was going to "screw it up" and he was afraid of not having Easter morning there like it is at home. He even asked if I use the fake grass because he wanted their baskets to be like they are at home. haah, it was kinda cute that he wanted to be perfect for the kids.

Anyway......

We went to the Botanical Gardens yesterday, note the pictures..... and once I figure this blogger thing out I will post them in the post, as opposed to the top of the post.... I mean WTF? haha.

I had an interesting comment recently from someone who is new to my "world of crazy"...... And you know what? She's effing right. I DO need a full time job. I WISH I could do it too. Man oh man, I was a completely different person when I was working full time. ( some good and some bad ) but still, I WANT TO WORK. BUT alas, who would watch the kids? grrrrr. That aggravates me. BUT I will be going to school full time come fall, so maybe that will work? I'll prob have to give up my job at AE, but hey. I will go to school at night and stay home with homework during the day. AND, summer is coming and I am VERY anxious for the nice weather to get here. Oh yeah... I cannot wait. The kids can ride their bikes and I can take my homework to the park.... it will be great. I am VERY pleased with the idea. Its just the now that I have to deal with. Only a couple weeks left of the snow, right? PRAY. Anyway I'd like to thank my new reader for the comment, she is 100% right.

So yeah, not much else going on. Oh, except a pipe burst under my bathroom sink and soaked us all in water. My landlord is fixing it right now as we speak. hahaha.

Never a dull moment.

The last couple of days

2008-03-20T15:53:00.002-04:00

Im not sure what triggered it and I really don't care.... all I know is that I NEED something to change. My mental/happiness state has sucked the last 2 days and I have NO IDEA what the eff is wrong with me. Im taking my meds, nothing in particular is happening.... I just cannot stop crying. I scared myself yesterday. When Jesse got home from work I was in tears from the time he got home until he left for school. I tried to pull myself out of it and it just didn't work. I scared Jesse, I made Kevin nervous.... its just not right.

Something just isn't right.

I know I should call the doc, and I would love to do that. But I cant. Thing is, my insurance was cancelled as of March 1 because I didn't work at American Eagle ( because I wasn't scheduled ) for like 9 weeks and when my recertification came around for family health plus they didn't believe me. Yeah I know. It sucks. I went through hell and back to try to get my pay info but being that I work retail, PART TIME PEE ON RETAIL, I have to deal with corporate. And yeah, corp knew how important this was but they still went about it like it was nothing and I missed the deadline. So, I had 30 days to submit my pay info for 4 weeks, which by pure luck I worked 2 shifts in 4 weeks and actually had 2 paystubs to give FHP. I faxed FHP those paystubs 2 weeks ago maybe and they STILL have not reinstated my health insurance. My script runs out in 2 weeks. I called AGAIN today to find out status and got attitude from the worker AGAIN and I asked if it was reasonable that I may have this ressolved by the end of the month and he said "its on my desk m'aam" in the snottiest attitude ever. I wanted to reach through that phone and punch him square in the jaw and tell him what a fuck I think he is..... grrrrrr. So, I can't go see the doc. Until this is ressolved. Not to mention I cannot schedule the surgery for Bailee to get her eye fixed.... not to mention if one of my kids gets sick or hurt.... Im screwed.

So, there you have my reason on why I didn't go to the doc. I need to, given my thoughts of yesterday I need to go BADLY. Im not sure what I am going to do other than try like a mo fo to get the eff out of this funk. Im effing scaring myself people. SCARING.

I'm not sure if you guys know the situation of my ex best friend and her new found love..... my ex fiance. She cheated on her hubby of like 14 years with my ex fiance who first contacted my ex best friend to find me because I was ignoring his calls, emails and messages on myspace. Yeah he went through the whole I LOVE HER with my ex best friend and even went as far as to say he would leave his wife for me. Yeah, he's married to. So whatever, life goes on, I am not MAD at my ex best friend but more disgusted at the fact that she just got done telling me what a loser my ex fiance is and how ugly he is and how she always hated him and now she's telling me she loves him.... oh yeah, I know, odd right? So anyway, her hubby calls me one night, asks whats going on between me and my ex best friend and I first try to cover shit up. He sees right through it because I AM A SHITTY LIAR... he says, "is she seeing someone else?" I say yes before I even think twice about it. DAMMIT! So we talk a minute, he's really angry at WHO it is, because he knows this person...... needless to say at this point my ex best friend is LIVID with me because I "ruined her life".... blah blah blah. whatever, Im over it, I dont talk to her for a couple weeks. Well yesterday she texts me and asks if we can be adults and chat about things. Im like, ok, whatevs. So we talk for awhile. Everything is fine, we are joking back and forth..... then, she says, "jason ( my ex fiance ) wants to know if you think you should apologize to him".... Oh yeah, apparently Jason needs an apology. Jason needs to kiss my sassy ass twice and maybe move down to my sassy toes because there ain't NO WAY IN HELL he gets an apology from me... EVER. I get mad and say "Im going to go now before I get mad"..... she just keeps chatting. Says that he doesn't want us to be friends and that I need to give in a little here in order to be friends with her.

Um, no, I don't.

So yeah, all day long yesterday I get to hear ALL THE SAME FUCKING THINGS that I used to hear from my ex hubby's ex girlfriend about how they are in love and she loves his family and his sister and they are all going to BINGO together and everything is sooooooo peachy. I felt like throwing up. Seriously.

That added to my problem yesterday. I felt just like I did with Amy. *** oddly enough Jasons wife's name is Amy... not the same one tho. thank god. I was almost thinking that maybe I may have some PTSD from dealing with my ex hubby's girlfriend.

I do know that I have A LOT of things to deal with mentally and emotionally. I know my family situation sucks ass and that my dad, although he tries, has no idea what he did to my heart and that my immediate family has no idea what REALLY happened between me and my mother and that their alienation is only making things worse. I know I am truly effed up.

There I said it. Im crazy.

My first post!

2008-03-20T15:45:00.003-04:00

Well hey there blogging world! It's been awhile, hasn't it? I must say I have missed you... hopefully this blog will gather as many readers and awesome friends as before.........

The first post is for all my buds to say hello..... so go for it. Comment and lemme see how this thing works..... pretty please???