It's done

J and I broke up last night. For real. It's done.

I have told his family... his mom called me last night and his sister and I talk on a regular basis. It's been a LONG night.

I know its for the best, but I don't want to hurt him. We have to live here codependently. HAVE to. And that will be hard.

Stay tuned.

Tonight

Im telling him tonight that it's over.

Wish me luck.

because I can't put this on facebook

Angelena HATES THAT SHE FOUND A LETTER FROM WEGMANS THAT JESSE BOUNCED 2 CHECKS WITH THEM TOTALLING ALMOST 250.00 WHEN WE HAVE A BUSTED HEAD GASKET IN MY VAN WHICH MEANS I WILL HAVE TO WALK BAILEE TO SCHOOL AND RELY COMPLETELY ON HIM TO GET TO DOC APPTS ETC......

WHAT THE FUCK?

How many times do I have to threaten to leave? How many times do I have to ask him if his bank account is ok and how many times has he LIED to me.

I sold my school books on Amazon from last semester for 146.00. I don't have a bank account ( because Jesse fucked it up ) so the money went into his account.... again money I WILL NEVER EVER SEE.

God dammmit!

I have nowhere to go. I can't just pick up and leave. I WANT TO. I WANT TO RIGHT NOW. I am tired of the lies, I am tired of not having money, I am tired of the fucking cats, I am tired of not being able to save any money because I have to constantly bail his ass out of shit.......

I AM TIRED.

I am so fucking sick of this shit.

I WANT OUT.

Eff it.

Wow.....

I know its been awhile. Honestly, not much going on. I know... boring, right?

Have y'all seen the snow we have gotten over the last few days??? UGH. I am really tired of the white stuff and long to get out my denim skirts and cute tanks and adorable flip flops..... Is it July yet????

Things here have been ok. Kids are all doing great. Although Kevin is grounded again for hitting his sister.... one week no TV. It's killing him too..... yesterday he had off school for MLK day and he was pacing... literally PACING. But, he finished the book "Inkheart"... all 600 pages of it. I am so proud of him for tackeling that huge book. He loved it too, wants to get the 2nd and 3rd book too.... LOVE THAT...... he's so smart, I just don't get why he doesn't get that hitting is NEVER the answer when it comes to his sister......

Things with Jesse have sucked. Things are back to where they were...... I finally let out my frustrations to him on Sunday night and he just sat there and blamed me. I told him I want some appreciation for what I do around here and he just said "Ok, you go to work for me"......

He works 6:30 to 3pm, comes home and showers and then parks his ass on the bed ( because we STILL don't have a couch ) and thats where he stays while i clean up, make dinner, take care of the kids, clean up after dinner, clean up after the cats..... blah blah blah. He sleeps all the time. Again, while I do x, y, and z.

Im just tired of it.

And the cat situation is out of control again. TWENTY. yes, 20 cats are in this house. Not only are they fighting all the time but they are dirty as fuck and I am cleaning ALL THE GOD DAMNED TIME. I hate it. School starts this week, I won't have time to BS around with this shit. That and the fact that every 2 days he is buying a 15.00 bag of food. FIFTEEN DOLLARS..... the same size bag, I bought DAD's food last night for 2.69........ he tried to throw a fit and say "it will give them all diarrea....... I said OH WELL. I can't get near him in bed because there isn't a time where he doesn't have ATLEAST 8 cats on him. They sleep in between us. on top of him. under the blankets........ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Ive had it.

I finally broke about my resentment on paying his tickets that he got in my name too. He said "well why didn't you make me pay for them".... because it all comes out of the same place jerk!!!! UGH... JUST DONT GET TICKETS! that was my point. He didn't get it.

Fuck him. I am over it.

I have done nothing but pay ( financially and otherwise ) for his mistakes. It's making me crazy. How much is enough?????

and he is REALLY hard on Kevin too. Kevin does the dishwasher as one of his chores. And more often than not we find dishes that have a little dried up dishwasher crud on them..... well, everytime J finds a dish like that he says to me "tell YOUR son he better start doing this right"..... but awhile ago I found a few plates in the cupboard that JESSE unloaded and said to him "does this look clean to you?" and he says to me back "you let your son do it, I thought I could too" and at the time, it was a joke..... so I brought it up to him when he bitched about Kevin again the other day.... he was like NO YOU DIDNT FIND DIRTY DISHES WHEN I UNLOADED.... um yes, I did. NOTHING is EVER his fault.

EVER.

I hate that too.

All I want is appreciation, love and maybe a little help. Is that too much? oh and to be honest with me, because he is STILL talking to that girl from school...........

Boooooooooo!

As many of you know, I do not have a license right now. It was suspended due to lapse of insurance, because we couldn't afford the insurance when we lived in our old house, we paid silly things like the rent first. Anyway, they suspended my license for it, and honestly I don't really NEED it, up until recently I was home all the damn time, so who cares, right?

Well, recently we got that second vehicle and I decided that maybe it be time for me to get my license back. So I contacted the DMV and found out what I have to do to get it back. All I have to do is pay 25.00 because it has been 2 years AND pay for the parking tickets I have outstanding.....

WHAT?

How is it possible that I have parking tickets? ESPECIALLY since I don't ever drive? And I am smart enough to know better when parking, I don't think I EVER got a parking ticket.

The DMV gives me the phone number for the Buffalo parking violations bureau and I call them. Well, getting through to them was a bitch. I won't lie. Once I did get through, the phone on the other end kept clicking and then I got a dial tone then a busy signal... it was messed up. So while on hold going through the menu about 47 times I looked them up online. I found out that you can look up your summons' online with your plate number. Cool. Let me see whats up here.

THREE tickets. from DOWNTOWN.

Oy.

Those who know me know that I DONT DRIVE DOWNTOWN BECAUSE I DONT KNOW DOWNTOWN BUFFALO. So where oh where did these tickets come from?

Yep, you guessed it.

Jesse.

BUT, they wrote them to me because the car was issued to me.

The total, including getting my registration back??? 175.90

WHAT????

yeah, so yet again I am paying financially to get Jesse out of a mess that he created using MY fucking name!!!!

I'm angry. But you know what? I will just pay it and move on. 2009 is supposed to be one without anger, right?

So this weekend, I have to pay water, my tickets, the cable/internet/phone, Bailee's dance class and her costume. I MIGHT have about 40 bucks left for some groceries.

Again, my entire "pay" GONE.

I'm so tired of this guys. I am going to have to pay 200.00 to get my license back and then get insurance this month too! ( the van is still in J's grandparents name ) PLUS registration on the van.... holy fuck. I am REALLY trying here and it's just not working!

So I decided to apply for a job. Delivering papers. It's one I can do on foot if I need to and I can take the kids if I need to. They haven't called me back yet. It will be an extra 200.00 per month ( maybe )

Im financially frustrated. If I had all the money back that I have bailed Jesse out with, I would be a rich woman. Seriously, and this goes back to when we were just dating. My mom even bailed him out once or twice. It's just never ending.

And its easy to say, JUST TAKE OVER THE BILLS! but in all honesty, I do pay everything but rent and groceries. I am taking over the bills, with my money. Well atleast I know they are getting paid.

I should probably shut up.

I know there are worse things that could happen.

shutting up now.

I just read a post about a friend who is drama centered and has to make everything about her.... btw, to that blog post-er, my former BFF was JUST like that.... omg. She still is, I mean remember I DO have a crush on her and thats the reason we aren't friends anymore, didn't ya know???? haha..... anyway, I am recently frustrated with a friend of mine who used to be there EVERY SINGLE DAY even just to chat and now, she is busy with boyfriends and other friends and mama is feeling left out. :(

Am I also being stupid on that note???? I just feel bad. At one time she knew everything about me and now she just doesn't know me much at all.

Boo.

Im going to go have a pity party.

and no, it's no one who reads this blog....lol.

2 in one week!!!

My ex husband sucketh.

twice.


Last night I texted him and said "how have you been?"

He says, "Ive been ok I guess, I need to talk to you about something soon".

ummm, ok.

So I say, "what's up?"

He replies with some BS about how he wants to claim one of the kids on his tax return this year and how he REALLY tries to be a good ex husband and that I should atleast consider it.

In my mind I'm going.... NO.

In my heart I am going.... maybe.

So I wait a little while and I finally reply with, let me talk to Jesse about it and I will get back to you.

BIG mistake.

He apparently doesn't like Jesse. He comes back with "IM SUPPORTING HIS FUCKING CATS SO HE BETTER MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION".....

WOAH......

Because yes, apparently we are living on his child support.... 775 per month.

Yeah..... no.

Jesse buys food and pays for the rent.

A ROOF AND FOOD FOR HIS CHILDREN.

So I just let it go and say..... Im not asking him for his blessing, I am just saying that I have to include him on the conversation because if I don't I will get in trouble.

That pissed him off more.

Oy vay.....

Then he tells me how he didn't file taxes last year and that he got audited 2 years before that and that he NEEDS to claim one of the kids so maybe he won't owe money.

And that's my problem????

AND HE MAKES TOO MUCH FUCKING MONEY TO CLAIM THE KIDS AND HAVE IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE, but who am I to say that.

Anyway, I say, ok, I will get back to you.

Of course there was a few more texts about how shitty Jesse is in between there that I ignored.... but hey.....

So I just let it go.

I login to facebook and change my status to:

"@ngelena HATES fighting with him about money, it's the only thing we don't agree on"

His girlfriend saw it. She's on my friends list. I like her..... she's great. ( not a great "parent" but is a good friend, has been for years )

She says something to my ex. He texts me about how my status message makes him feel like not a good man and not a good father and that I am a huge raving shit ball. Oh and that he demanded to his gf that she is NOT to be friends with me anymore......

ummm, WTF????

And thats what I texted him. WTF dude.

He just kept texting and texting and I didn't even get a word in except WTF.

Then I said, wait..... WHO SAID YOU WERE A BAD PERSON AND HOW DID MY STATUS OFFEND YOU AND WHY CAN'T EM AND I BE FRIENDS ANYMORE????

He didn't respond.

Thing is..... those who know me didn't even THINK for a second that my status was about my ex. Because HELLOOOOO J and I have money probs all the fucking time... so WHY would he freak out?

He said something about Em being pissed at him. Whatever... not my problem.

He's not claiming the kids. Not my problem that he KEEPS FUCKING UP HIS TAXES so he OWES money. Mr Smarty Pants isn't so smart. SINGLE ZERO ASSHOLE. period.

Of course, 2 years and hasn't filed.... Im sure he owes a pretty penny. maybe that's why he freaked on me over nothing.... STRESSED MUCH?

UGH. Sometimes I really hate my situation. DIVORCE SUCKS PEOPLE.... SUCKS.

In other news... I pulled a 3.6 GPA this semester..... !!! YAYYYYY! 3 A's and a B- ( damn that Business English class...... )

oh and it's snowing.

lots.

Happy New Year! Anyone got great big plans????

Oh dear.... it's been way too long.

OMG, it's been since early December since I posted??? wow. My apologies.

If we weren't running in circles EVERY FRICKIN DAY I might have had time to post things... sheesh... *** stop yelling at me.

haha.

So how was your christmas??? Mine was great! It stood for so much. My kids were happy. Jesse and I were happy. We spent the day with the family. They again showed me how wonderful a family can be...... It was amazing.

So yeah...... I have nothing really crappy to say other than J got into an accident with my car on the 23rd.

He hit a guard rail after spinning out on the MAJOR snow we had. Front bumper and lights are toast. He is fine..... of course, I mean he is pretty tough. BUT......

It's not insured. And not driveable. yes.

Not good at all.

BUT, it could be worse. Atleast we have the van so he can get back and forth to work. Looks like the car can be fixed, we just have to buy headlights. The bumper can be reattached. Until then, I have no second vehicle. I am praying that the car gets fixed before B goes back to school next week. PRAYING. I don't want to walk her in this freaky weather we have been having. Ugh. BUUUUUUT, I'm not going to stress about it because whatever will happen, will happen. right?

Anywhooooooooooo, that's really it.

So, how was your Christmas?

short and sweet

Well hello there.

It's me. and yes, I am still alive.

WOW, it's been forever since I have posted. I am sorry.

Although, it's probably better I haven't posted. It's been a doozy.

Starting off with me changing medication ( the crazy meds ) because the one I have been on for the last year and a half was tearing my stomach to shreds. So the doc put me on this other medication which I am allergic to, apparently. Hives everywhere. Oh yeah, it's pretty. Anyway.... I originally went to the doc because I have TMJ. For those who don't know, my jaw is coming dislocated everytime I open my mouth. So, I am on steroids and pain meds for that too.

Fun times.

So since I am allergic to the crazy meds I stopped taking them 3 days ago. Today I am dizzy as fuck. I mean REALLY dizzy. I have a final exam at 12:30 today and another final presentation tomorrow for another class, so I took the old crazy meds this morning hoping that I would feel just a little better.... maybe better enough to drive myself to North campus to take my test today and not fail it because I cannot see the pages..... they are wiggly you know. oy.

So thats the deally-yo.

The kids are just getting over double ear infections. All 3 kids. Another round of visits to the docs office.

Kevin and Bailee missed almost a week of school. AGAIN.

BUT, I had parent teacher conferences yesterday and BOTH children are smartie pants'. BOTH children are doing great. BOTH children are showing signs of "advanced" learning. LOVE IT!

I warned Bailee's teacher about Justin next year.... his horns are not around right now, but be sure they will show their red pointy selves once Christmas has come and gone........ believe you me.....

My daughter turned 5 on Sunday.

yayyyyyyyy!

Can you guys believe it???? FIVE YEARS OLD!!! For some of you, that means I have known you for 5 whole years! This is the age Kevin was when all the crap happened with my ex husband. I just cannot believe how time flies. That also means that Jesse and I can celebrate our 5 year anniversary in January.......

wow.

We had a pretty good day for her birthday. Presents in the morning. Jesse's Xmas party for the kids at noon. Jesse's parents house for a party for Bailee and Justin at night. So fun.

Have I told you guys how much I love Jesse's family? Seriously. They are amazing people. They love my kids just like they were their own. They are such amazing people. ALL of them.

OH! Did I mention that Jesse's grandparents gave us their van???? Oh yeah! We are now the proud owners of a 2000 Olds Sillhouette. ( sp ) YUP! It's a mini van... and up until now I was COMPLETELY anti minivan, but you know what... its damn convenient to have it. For more reasons than just the kids. It's been a god send with all the doc and dentist appts..... It's amazing that they just GAVE it to us.

God I love that family.

and on that note.... I have to go pick up Bailee......

Excuse me, is that a kitten in your pocket?

As I sit here writing to you fine people..... I have a kitten in my pocket. Why you ask? Well because mama gave birth last night and refuses to pay attention to the newborn and instead wants to carry around kittens who are almost 14 weeks old. WTF?

Yeah, we have a new kitten. No we are not keeping it. In fact, I almost have J convinced that 2 cats are just fine. The newest litter has 2 in it, but the 2nd kitten was born with its intestines and stomach outside of its body. It was born dead. Ick. Kevin was lucky enough to witness it. and yeah, it was gross. Especially when kitty ate the intestine and stomach. ** sorry were you eating?

Ok, enough about that.

In other news..... I got my school check last week. I paid a bunch of bills ( some were even surprises!!! it appears J has not paid things for a very long time..... so I, of course, had to bail him out.... AGAIN. ) I bought a BUNCH of groceries. 220.00 worth, to be exact. OMG..... what a mess. AGAIN. So I have child support coming this week and all but 260.00 of it is going for bills. AGAIN. Because apparently Jesse just doesn't get that he needs to talk to me about things..... or maybe he does now because I have paid everything, twice.... who knows. All I know is I don't make that much money..... and I have to buy and pay for things for the kids at school PLUS 80% of the bills and I just don't get it. This is the one thing that could break us. 5 years of the same shit! What's a girl to do? Just keep taking care of it???? yes. That's exactly what I will do.

sigh.

Allyn took Kevin to taekwondo on Saturday. He signed Kevin up for the 140.00 a month program to get his black belt..... WTF??? So I told him, I can't afford that. I already crunched numbers and I just cannot do it. He said, well can you pay some of it? I said, yeah. Then he said, can you pay 40.00 of it? I said, yeah. So I guess that's what I will be doing..... he better fucking pay it. I swear to god. I am done dealing with phone calls about Jesse not paying his god damned bills or bouncing checks...... I swear I will freak if I have to do that for Al too.

Did I tell you that Jesse bounced a check to Bailee's dance studio for a fucking fund raiser???? oh yeah, I got that call last week. I had to pay an extra 15.00 on an 18.00 check.... super fun. lemme tell ya.... and way fucking embarassing too.

So how y'all doin?????

I'm done talking about money.

fuck it. I will just take care of it like I always fucking do.... and when J is making 21.00 an hour in June I will fucking freak on him and MAKE him pay ALL THE FUCKING BILLS......because seriously, he makes enough now, why would I still have to pay the bills on 775.00 a month???? Fuckers.

OKAYYYYYYY.......

I am still doing ok in school. I pulled a B+ on my Business English class which I thought I would pull a C in. That means I am still in good economic standing and will be able to keep my financial aid... YAYYYYYY! I'm ready for next semester to start tho. I think I am going to keep all my classes online this time around...... I mean, it's fun going to school, but it's a lot of moving things around just so I can leave for an hour and a half. Ya know?

Anywhooo.

Al's taking the kids again this weekend because last weekend was a makeup weekend because he was sick and had tickets to the football game so I kept the kids home instead of A) exposing them to get sick and B) trying to explain to them why they had to come home early so their father could go to the football game..... yeah, father of the year called, they want their award back.

seriously.....

But, atleast he took B to the doc a couple weeks ago for me and he took Kevin to tae kwon doe on saturday because I was at dance class with B. Always look at the positive, right????

I guess I should do some homework. I have class tonight. Booooooooooooo!

Oh and I have to go get B soon........

Bad news/good news

First off, some pictures. Bailee had a field trip to the pizzeria down the street from her school. She had a blast. She got to eat pizza, watch cartoons and get her hands dirty. She was a happy lil gal..... fo realz. Check out the pics that another mom took.........

Bailee and her partner for the trip. Elizabeth. Or in Bailee's language "ewizabef"

Awwwwwwwwww, so cute.

I could not have taken a better picture myself. She is just so gorgeous! LOVE IT!

In other news......

Jesse fucked up the money AGAIN. 4th week in a row. This means we are scraping the bottom of the barrel for food.... AGAIN. I am so angry. Because this could have been avoided. He doesn't tell me things and I think everything is honkey dory ( because it was when he didn't have direct deposit before this mess ) It makes me so mad. So this week I told him he BETTER find a way to get us groceries WITHOUT involving me...... then he drops a bomb on me. He needs to pay the last payment for rent.

See, we have been paying rent every week. He arranged that with our landlords the last week of September. So, technically, since this week is a 5 week month, we should be free and clear this week. But no.... he lied to me AGAIN. He said "the payment plan didn't start until the second week of October.... BULLSHIT. I know for a fact it started the first week of October. That means when I asked you if you were paying rent for the last 4 weeks YOU LIED TO ME AGAIN YOU FUCKER. AHHHHHH.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Do I need to leave? If I wasn't so effing embarassed I would post pics of my fridge, which is empty except for milk and juice and a 2 liter of diet pop. He says he will have the problem fixed by tonight. We'll see.

I'm so tired of this guys. TIRED. There is no reason we can't survive on what he makes. Let alone when I get child support. WHY am I paying everything with my child support? WHERE is his money going?

He wrote a BUNCH of checks for the kids stuff ( pictures, tae kwon doe, Bailee's dance ) and bounced them causing an overdraft and then did the same thing with a check for the phone bill, which bounced and was taken out of his check this week leaving us with 72.00 for food. *** granted not nearly as bad as previous weeks when we had ZERO dollars left.... but we are out of EVERYTHING. And we bargain shop, buy bare min, and coupon clip. Believe me. Fuck. I am worried. Because he has to pay rent too. The landlord called last night looking for the payment. He told them he would have it today after work. Oh really??? are you going to pull it out of your ass???

I feel HORRIBLE, because I HAD NO IDEA.

Bailee has strep. For the FIRST TIME EVER Allyn took her to doc for me. I had 2 tests to makeup on Tuesday night and a midterm and review on Wednesday night so there was NO WAY I could take her. So Allyn took her. Both he and his gf have strep now..... UGH! I had hoped B would feel better by tonight, I am still praying. I want her to be able to trick or treat tonight.

Kevin is better tho! ...... Justin is complaining his ear hurts.

JUST KILL ME NOW!

I am so effing stressed out right now.

The good news is that I pulled a B+ grade in Business English, even tho I got a 66 on the midterm exam and I got an A in my Information Management class. The other 2 classes I don't know yet.....

Oh and the other good news??? On Monday, because it was sent out today, I am getting a 1500.00 check from school. It's my leftover grant money. THANK GOD. On Monday, I am going to pay for the insurance for 1 year. Buy out the entire grocery store and kick Jesse in the ass.

twice.

Picture time!!!

After a long day....... of hats. lol.

Jesse looking pretty content. You know, when J got dressed yesterday in this shirt, Bailee asked "did you get that from American Eagle?" ..... she knows the eagle emblem. ***sniff sniff... I'm so proud

Bailee had a hat too. lol.

I know, he's handsome..... Look at the view outside that window behind him.... I could stare at that all day.

I can try, can't I???? Atleast Justin is looking at me and smiling. SIGH.

GO SABRES! ( I had to take this jersey back that I bought for Jesse for his birthday.... LONG story. )

Meet Paco. He likes his big hat and was dancing around singing "chickachicka boom boom" while wearing it.

Bailee's Prek picture. Isn't she beautiful???? I love her eyes in this picture. I am such a proud mama.

The piece d'resistannnce.... Kevin. And no he's not 14. OMG, WHEN did he grow up so much???? Wow... how handsome is he? I mean really. Talk about mama going to have to beat the girls off of him with a stick........a big stick ;)

Memory Lane.... a pictorial.

So in the spirit of my buds...... here's my list of things I remember from childhood. And believe me, I could keep going. Wow the memories.






Oh yeah, you know you all had one.... a hair crimper. Ah yes the memories.

NKOTB, FOREVAHHHHH!

Both the cartoon AND the dolls. I had all the dolls..... and watched the cartoon when I could go to my aunts to watch cable...lol

Barbie and the Rockers. Oh yeah..... they each came with their own cassette tape and they all totally rocked out to it. Well, atleast in my barbie world they did ;)

My very first cassette tape. Janet Jackson, Control. Oh yes, I was NASTAYYYY!

Crystal Castle from She-Ra. This was THE BEST Xmas gift I ever got. My mom had just had surgery and my dad went out with my aunt and went Xmas shopping for me. He picked this as one of my gifts and I LOVED IT.
Hugga Bunch. OMG, I wanted one of these SOOOOO bad, and I never got one :( I have thought about buying one "for Bailee" from ebay....lol
Catra. My favorite She-Ra doll. Also my first she-ra doll. She was hot, and she got to sleep in the queen bed from crystal castle ;)

Please tell me you remember Faygo pop. It tasted like ass but I totally drank it every chance my parents gave me. It was a "treat"....lol.

Poop.

So after having gotten rid of the BS from the weekend.... I had a pretty good day yesterday.
Kevin had tae kwon do yesterday after school so the kids and I walked up to watch a bit. Seriously, I don't know what I would do without these kids. Although Kevin is going through this change in hormones or whatever.... he keeps me smiling and Justin and Bailee are both full of laughs and tickles. Seriously.... all cuteness. I couldn't imagine my life without them.

Look at those faces. I mean really. How cute are they???? **** ok so I am biased... but still.

I have about a half an hour before I have to leave to go pick up Bailee. This walking shit is really tiring me out.... last night I was in bed around 9 and fell asleep before J got home from school. I think he was kinda mad about that......

So he got paid yesterday. On time, which I thought it would be delayed a day with the holiday... but whatever. 140.00 gone from his account because he bounced shit. Of course, he has direct deposit now.... which he did not before. 140.00 could have paid 95% of the insurance bill. That pisses me off. But whatever, I will bail his ass out AGAIN. as usual.

Am I wrong to resent that a little? I mean it would be different if he made an honest mistake somewhere.... but seriously.... almost all the tax return was taken for his student loans. A tax return he got for having MY KIDS in his house.......and now MORE MONEY has to go to bail his ass out of this insurance mess? ( and those are just TWO examples, trust me, there are A LOT more ) All of this just because he can't spend what he HAS and not what he DOESNT HAVE.

UGH!

Im going to stop talking about it because alls it does is make me angry.

I wonder when my refund check will come from my grants for school...... I can't call them because they are "too busy" and cannot take messages.... grrr.

Speaking of school.....

I have class tonight. I wish I didn't have to go because J and I just pass each other in the hallway most nights and it would be nice to have a night with him......... sigh. Oh well..... keep on truckin!!!!!!!

I asked Allyn to see the kids more. Turns out he couldn't answer my text/voicemail message last weekend because he and bunch of his "friends" were in Ithaca camping and wine tasting. That pissed me off.... so I nicely just sent him a short email and asked him to see the kids more. I doubt he will respond. 2 nights a month is NOT a father. But according to him, paying child support makes him a good father. whatever.... maybe it does....... but these kids need more than money.

**** don't get me wrong. I am thankful that he pays.... when he does.... but the kids need their dad. I see other single fathers taking their kids to dinner during the week or taking them half the week or whatever.... why couldn't we work that out? ya know? It would be a lot of work, but hey, so is everything.

Fuck it.

I'm so emotionally spent. After the weekend and just plain everything else. Im pooped.

Oh well, guess I should do some homework.

blech.

Money

After a really crappy weekend here I am.

I need you guys to know that the kids had 3 meals ( normal portioned ) everyday. They had juice and really didn't notice anything different. I did not eat normally. Jesse did, because he is diabetic and the children did because they are by far the most important things in my life.

Here's what happened.

We normally go grocery shopping on Wednesday nights. Because he gets paid. We haven't been able to go grocery shopping because I have school, he has school Tuesday and Thursday and since he was put back on the day shift we have not gone all out grocery shopping. ( we were shopping during the day while he was home ) Last time we went grocery shopping we got 250.00 worth of food that lasted us until Thursday ( probably a month ). That's planned meals. Friday night I had some burger in the freezer and we had mac n cheese and rice with them. That officially emptied out the freezer.

Saturday night I made leftovers for the kids and Jesse said he was going to run to the store to get something for us. I thought that was weird. But whatever...... so I suggested pizza rolls and salad for us. ( I was lazy and it is a cheap meal ) So he went to the store and bought a small bag of pizza rolls and toilet paper. I thought this was weird because he eats a lot more pizza rolls and that is clearly not enough for us. So I thought about it and asked him how much money he has. He told me "enough".......

It aggravates me when he does this. It is pretty easy to say "Im low on cash" and to do it NOT AT THE LAST MINUTE........ but no. he waited until the last minute.

So sunday morning we get up, I finish my cereal, Jesse finishes his and the kids eat the last of the cereal. We are now out of cereal. shit. I'm thinking, ok, he can run out later.

Lunch time comes, the kids finish up the pasta and sauce. I eat a salad with the rest of the salad ingredients. I am REALLY upset at this point.

I KNOW that he doesn't have money and yet he refuses to tell me and the more I think about it the more scared I get because there are NO snacks to fall back on, there is NOTHING in the cupboard and I am SCARED.

We manage to wrangle up a pack of chicken that has been in the fridge that I thought was bad. We have chicken and rice for dinner.

Monday comes along. Cereal is gone. I just used up the last of the bread for the kids for toast. I go into my room and tell Jesse he better find a way to get money.

The scrap he said he had to return??? yeah.... nada. NOTHING. So he starts texting me from outside to ask BOB if he has any money we can borrow. WHAT???? He also said he asked his sister... WHAT??????? I told him he better get on the phone with someone because I am about ready to lose my shit.

He starts searching through the house for change. I had 1.50 in my purse and he took that and got peanut butter and bread ( we had jelly ) and I ate pb&j and so did the kids. FINALLY he gets ahold of his grandfather and borrows 40.00 to get groceries for Monday and Tuesday. ( he should get paid today ) We BARELY get enough but we finally have enough food in the house for 3 meals a day until Wednesday morning.

So we are at the grocery store and I am loading into the trunk...... I see a pile of mail in the trunk. CAR INSURANCE.... in COLLECTION... which means that it's been cancelled for ATLEAST 2 months. WHAT??????

I am PISSED. not only did HE create this issue this weekend where I stressed so fucking much my stomach felt like someone was stabbing me.... but he LIED about the bills being paid AGAIN. AND NOW I am going to have to spend my college refund grant check to fix this car situation. I had PLANS for that fucking money. Like, Justin needs a bed!!!! GOD DAMMIT. I am so tired of bailing him out. Oh, and I told him that he has to drive me to and from school until the car situation is fixed. because its his fucking mistake HE is going to get in trouble for driving a car without insurance.... NOT ME.

So we get home and I lay into him. He is in tears. I was SCREAMING at him that he has to fucking tell me this shit!!! I could have not paid the cable bill with my cs and paid the fucking insurance! OR I could have paid it all!!!! ( it would have taken every penny I had, but so what!!! ) He just doesn't think. He doesn't tell me this shit until its too late and now we are in trouble again. AGAIN with the fucking insurance. GOD DAMMIT! I had no idea. I mean how could i???? I paid cable, gas, phone and got some groceries. WHY could he not pay rent and the insurance??? thats all the bills we have.... THATS IT! WHY can't we afford this place???? ( he fucking asked me that ) I SAID WE CAN!!!! I PAY 70% of the fucking bills WHERE THE FUCK DOES YOUR MONEY GO????

I think his bank account is fucked up again and I think he has been hiding this shit from me because he is afraid.

He told me it upsets him to see me upset about money.

I told him THEN TELL ME THE FUCKING TRUTH! I can help you figure this out!!!

Is it EVER going to change?????

We BARELY made it through this one. BARELY.

I am getting cs this weekend and I am getting the kids' halloween costumes and new winter coats/hats/gloves and I am going to have to pay the gas bill again and probably the cable bill. I am also going to stock the fuck up on food. The rest is going in a hiding spot in my room ( all but 150.00 of it so I can pay the past due insurance but Im not sure I will have enough for a downpayment for a new policy ) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

As I type I have no idea how the fuck I am supporting this house on 775 a month.

Well, minus him paying the rent. I will say that he has paid that. But, he makes 17.00 an hour. Where is the rest of it going?

Trouble.

So....

I got some rest this weekend.

Thats the only good thing about the weekend tho......

J fucked up the finances again. We haven't been grocery shopping in about 3 weeks. We literally don't even have bread in the house. I have no money because I had to pay cable, gas, groceries AND phone out of my cs last month......

It's been rough.

I haven't eaten. Mostly because I want the kids to eat. Jesse took today off from work ( not smart, I know ) to take copper back so we can get some groceries.

I NEVER want to be in this position again. My cupboards are empty, the freezer is literally empty and my fridge has juice and milk in it. I don't even have pasta in the house! I have one bag of white rice.... and some butter. Thats it. I wish I was exaggerating.

I spent the day crying yesterday. I tried contacting Al so I could get 20-30.00 advance on cs which he will pay on friday. He never returned my text, well, he did, but not until 7pm and only to say he would have to look at his account.

Im aggravated because I feel like I am doing everything. Paying bills, taking care of the house and school..... I could get a job. School full time, kids school and activities and everything else I do will not allow it. There just isn't enough hours in the day.

I am so stressed out and tired mentally. As I type this, Jesse is still in bed. I'm glad he gets the day off from work to sleep.

not.

Moods of a 9 year old.

Well, here I am.

Ugh.

Y'all, I am so effing busy ALL THE TIME that I just want to curl up and sleep for days. It's making me feel very........well...... fragile. ( that must be italian! )

I am trying so hard to cope with everything effectively and efficiently. It's working for the most part..... until something doesn't go my way and I lose my shit.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

I have class tonight. I have to give an oral report on flash memory. I wrote the report well so I should be able to convey my thoughts vocally.... right? ick. I hate assignmements like this.

J's sister had surgery today. She had her tubes tied. She's not even 30. AND she only has 1 child. It makes me sad. I wish I could convince her otherwise, but nope. I tried. I hope she's doing well.

Other than that, Kevin joined this 2 week tae kwon do class. It's after school and he had his first class yesterday. He LOVED it. The only problem??? He came home and had to do homework. Then we went to get something to eat. Needless to say he got to bed around 8:30, which is later than usual, since they are up at 6am EVERY SINGLE DAY. He was cranky as fuck this morning. Guys, I have no idea what I am doing wrong with him. He is so moody and cranky. I know it's just a phase, but I miss my sweet little boy who used to want to watch TV with me and snuggle. Now I'm lucky if I can pull him away from fighting with his brother and sister long enough to eat dinner. It's making me nuts. NUTS. Last night I was in tears. I am just tired of the fighting and tired of the mouthy responses. I tried blaming Allyn. I mean Kevin only sees his father 2 nights a month. ( not by my choice ) So I called Allyn this morning and had full intentions of talking to him about increasing visitation.... but would that be a good thing???? Allyn tries to get rid of the kids early EVERY time he sees them. Do I really want to push???? Do I want the fight? No, I just want a happy little boy who loves me. That's all.

Is that too much to ask?

yo.

I just want everyone to know that it was a very wet walk to Bailee's school this morning. I debated on keeping her home and probably should have since I only have 2 umbrellas and 3 people walking..... but hey, she is working on perfect attendance dammit!

UGH.

Im SOOOOO cold and wet. I have to go back in an hour. This time WITH justin. Should be fun.

Anywho.......

Are y'all tired of me talking about my issues with J? I know my longtime friends HAVE to be. Today, I just have 1 complaint..... give me some help around the house please. and thank you.

Other than that, J and I are doing well. The kids are doing well with J, which is most important to me. Maybe it's my attitude that creates issues within J which makes him crabby for everyone???? hmmmmm. revelation! So yeah, I am no longer being a giant bitch and trying REALLY hard to make this work.

I have only talked to B occassionally. I am trying to phase him out with hopes that he won't go crazy on my ass. He seems REALLY into me, which is not good. I made a mistake. A big one. Now I need to concentrate on my family. That's number one and should have been all along. I can be happy with J as long as things stay even. ya know?

Plus I know he's a "life-r" and wouldn't leave me or the kids. That is SO important to me.

Anywho..... I don't update as much as I should because honestly I am busy as fuck ALL THE DAMN TIME. Between walking Bailee to and from school and cleaning up after these effing cats ---- know anyone who wants a kitten? I have 4 that are ready.... if they don't go soon they are going to a farm. Along with Ozzy who is a giant pain in my ass.... let me know--- and of course then there's homework. OMG the homework! I'm doing ok tho.......... JUST BUSY!

So lemme know whats going on with all of you.

hit me with some comments - yo.

Update.

I know you all are dying to know.....

Well.........

B and I would never work. There have been some new developments that I just don't see working out. I am working on things with Jesse and have been for a couple weeks and am actually starting to feel a connection with him again. I am REALLY trying.

I know, your all tired of hearing that, aren't you?

He has his bad points and I believe that the last few talks I had with him worked those out in his head that he WILL lose me if it continues. I had never been so serious before the most recent talks. I was ready to leave. He knows it. End of story.

In other news........

nothing!

I am doing ok in school except for Business English. I will be lucky if I pull a C in that class. MAYBE a low B. Everything else is straight A's..... as it should be considering its all computer classes...haha.

I am having a heck of a time with my oldest son. K has attitude and REALLY is emotional and whiny lately. I had a long talk with J's sister last night and it seems that her son is going through the same thing. They are the same age. So I am REALLY hoping its a phase. ****** BEGGING.

Other than that not too much going on. I am busy as fuck and J is FINALLY off second shift. THANK GOD. Sooooooo he will be home soon.

Guess I should go clean up.

GAWD I AM SO TIRED.

My mother's funeral service

The service was very nice.

It was located on UB's campus and there were about 50 people there. Maybe more......

Jesse, me and his mom went.

Everyone else bailed. Even Allyn...... after he and his mom told me that they would come. They BOTH bailed. Al just didn't show up and Al's mom emailed me saying she couldn't make it.

I am having a VERY hard time not emailing or calling Allyn. But that is for another day.

There was NO ONE there from my family but me. *** ALL THOSE PEOPLE that pushed me out so they could be "in" couldn't break away from their day to remember my mother.

But that, is for another day because emotionally, I am not ready to go there. Today was VERY hard.

I just bombed a test because of my emotional state..... but i HAD to take it today.

I'm going to go lay down now. More details later.

The locator info

Hey all.....

So it looks like there is some question on the locator that is on my phone.

No, Jesse did not tell me he put it on there. He was on the Sprint website and he must have downloaded it to his phone and used my number as a "point of interest" because I got a text message from Sprint saying that Jesse's phone number can now locate me. So it is like an application that you can get on your phone. He can search me because we are on the same plan. I wouldn't have known if Sprint hadn't have sent me that text message.

Dumb move on his part because I was PISSED.

Anywho.... that's the scoop.