Thursday, March 20, 2008

The last couple of days

Im not sure what triggered it and I really don't care.... all I know is that I NEED something to change. My mental/happiness state has sucked the last 2 days and I have NO IDEA what the eff is wrong with me. Im taking my meds, nothing in particular is happening.... I just cannot stop crying. I scared myself yesterday. When Jesse got home from work I was in tears from the time he got home until he left for school. I tried to pull myself out of it and it just didn't work. I scared Jesse, I made Kevin nervous.... its just not right.

Something just isn't right.

I know I should call the doc, and I would love to do that. But I cant. Thing is, my insurance was cancelled as of March 1 because I didn't work at American Eagle ( because I wasn't scheduled ) for like 9 weeks and when my recertification came around for family health plus they didn't believe me. Yeah I know. It sucks. I went through hell and back to try to get my pay info but being that I work retail, PART TIME PEE ON RETAIL, I have to deal with corporate. And yeah, corp knew how important this was but they still went about it like it was nothing and I missed the deadline. So, I had 30 days to submit my pay info for 4 weeks, which by pure luck I worked 2 shifts in 4 weeks and actually had 2 paystubs to give FHP. I faxed FHP those paystubs 2 weeks ago maybe and they STILL have not reinstated my health insurance. My script runs out in 2 weeks. I called AGAIN today to find out status and got attitude from the worker AGAIN and I asked if it was reasonable that I may have this ressolved by the end of the month and he said "its on my desk m'aam" in the snottiest attitude ever. I wanted to reach through that phone and punch him square in the jaw and tell him what a fuck I think he is..... grrrrrr. So, I can't go see the doc. Until this is ressolved. Not to mention I cannot schedule the surgery for Bailee to get her eye fixed.... not to mention if one of my kids gets sick or hurt.... Im screwed.

So, there you have my reason on why I didn't go to the doc. I need to, given my thoughts of yesterday I need to go BADLY. Im not sure what I am going to do other than try like a mo fo to get the eff out of this funk. Im effing scaring myself people. SCARING.

I'm not sure if you guys know the situation of my ex best friend and her new found love..... my ex fiance. She cheated on her hubby of like 14 years with my ex fiance who first contacted my ex best friend to find me because I was ignoring his calls, emails and messages on myspace. Yeah he went through the whole I LOVE HER with my ex best friend and even went as far as to say he would leave his wife for me. Yeah, he's married to. So whatever, life goes on, I am not MAD at my ex best friend but more disgusted at the fact that she just got done telling me what a loser my ex fiance is and how ugly he is and how she always hated him and now she's telling me she loves him.... oh yeah, I know, odd right? So anyway, her hubby calls me one night, asks whats going on between me and my ex best friend and I first try to cover shit up. He sees right through it because I AM A SHITTY LIAR... he says, "is she seeing someone else?" I say yes before I even think twice about it. DAMMIT! So we talk a minute, he's really angry at WHO it is, because he knows this person...... needless to say at this point my ex best friend is LIVID with me because I "ruined her life".... blah blah blah. whatever, Im over it, I dont talk to her for a couple weeks. Well yesterday she texts me and asks if we can be adults and chat about things. Im like, ok, whatevs. So we talk for awhile. Everything is fine, we are joking back and forth..... then, she says, "jason ( my ex fiance ) wants to know if you think you should apologize to him".... Oh yeah, apparently Jason needs an apology. Jason needs to kiss my sassy ass twice and maybe move down to my sassy toes because there ain't NO WAY IN HELL he gets an apology from me... EVER. I get mad and say "Im going to go now before I get mad"..... she just keeps chatting. Says that he doesn't want us to be friends and that I need to give in a little here in order to be friends with her.

Um, no, I don't.

So yeah, all day long yesterday I get to hear ALL THE SAME FUCKING THINGS that I used to hear from my ex hubby's ex girlfriend about how they are in love and she loves his family and his sister and they are all going to BINGO together and everything is sooooooo peachy. I felt like throwing up. Seriously.

That added to my problem yesterday. I felt just like I did with Amy. *** oddly enough Jasons wife's name is Amy... not the same one tho. thank god. I was almost thinking that maybe I may have some PTSD from dealing with my ex hubby's girlfriend.

I do know that I have A LOT of things to deal with mentally and emotionally. I know my family situation sucks ass and that my dad, although he tries, has no idea what he did to my heart and that my immediate family has no idea what REALLY happened between me and my mother and that their alienation is only making things worse. I know I am truly effed up.

There I said it. Im crazy.


Lori said... know I hear you loud and clear.

My advice is to stay away from your ex-bestie and ex-fiance. In the meantime, use every single means you have to keep the anxiety at a minimum. Hot baths, tension tamer tea, deeeeeep breathing, exercise. I would be shocked if you DIDN'T have PTSD from Amy and what all you went through with her. Living with PTSD's a form of panic disorder, which can basically be boiled down to anxiety. Severe anxiety, yes, but still anxiety. Get rid of anything that you can that brings back bad memories, remember you are loved, and remind yourself constantly that it will pass. It will pass. It will pass.

Take deep breaths, in through your nose all the way down to the bottoms of your lungs and let it out slowly through your mouth. Keep doing that.

Meditate. Your kids are old enough now that you maybe could snatch twenty minutes alone to just breathe.

I read a quote the other day that brought tears to my eyes. After four months (AGAIN) of battling the PTSD Demon, I am coming out of it and feeling better. The quote was:

"It will all be okay in the end.

If it's not okay, it's not the end."

Angi, I know how much it hurts. Be gentle with yourself. Sending hugs, prayers and positive thoughts.

Love you.

Special K said...

Ang I made it over here, long weekend.
Girl what you need is for me and Lori to jump on a plane and have a girls, um, MONTH! Yeah, thats it!
You know I am here and supporting you in every way! HUGS!!

Christine said...

I came from Special K and don't know you from Adam but I am sorry you are going through this.
From behind this computer screen it sounds like what you need is new friends and a full time job. Often those two things will go hand and hand. I don't mean get a job for the benefits, I am talknig about that fact that sad people always feel better when they are being productive outside of their normal world that makes them sad and have something that is just theirs. I am just talking from experience from being married to a mentally ill man for ten years. The worst times were when he did not have that place to be all day that kept his mind sharp and busy and his social life active.

But WTF do I know. I just wish you peace hon.