Thursday, August 14, 2008


I know it's been awhile.

I am sorry.

Kay, I didn't ignore your comment about emailing you, I just didn't want to jinx it in any way. I hope you understand :)

First off, we now have 20 cats in this house. As of last night. Lola, who isn't even a year old, had 4 kittens. After what occurred yesterday morning........ ( HUGE cat fight and Jesse got in the middle trying to break it up thus causing him to get hurt pretty bad thus causing us to take him to the ER because the last batch of scratches he had from a fight swelled up and hurt like an SOB for TWO WEEKS ) I have officially called the ASPCA. ALL OF THEM are going. That will leave us with 2 cats. that are fixed. Yesterday, after the attack, Jesse was balling uncontrollably at the thought of getting rid of just the boy cats that were fighting. It broke my heart to see him hurt like that..... but ya know what???? I had to have Bailee sleep in Kevin and Justins room last night because it is the only bedroom ( besides mine ) that has a door. Why? because the cats keep fighting. Yes again, round 3 actually.... at 3am.

Jesse will hate me. For more reasons than just this..........

As everyone knows, my relationship with Jesse has been up and down and sideways for YEARS. We probably wouldn't be together if it hadn't of been for Justin. And honestly, I am just as guilty of that choice as he is...... There are many reasons that it's not working and all of those reasons NEVER change no matter how much I threaten that I WILL leave. I won't go into specifics. But they are good enough reasons to leave. I don't want to trash him. He is a good person when he wants to be and I really don't want to hurt him..... I just can't live like this anymore.

I have been seeing someone else.

I promised myself I wouldn't cheat again and it has been a year or so since I have..... the problem is this just fell into my lap and this is NOT about sex AT ALL. AND I have known this person since I was 18.

In all honesty I have had a crush on him for YEARS. He has always been such a stand up guy, a great father, a great husband and a VERY loving person since I have known him. That hasn't changed no matter what he has gone through........

He has walked into my life and swept me off my feet. The way he cares, the way he treats my children and the way he loves ( yes I said it ) me and the kids makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. My heart flutters everytime he texts or calls me...... When he isn't working 12 hour shifts we are together with ALL of our children and its amazing. AMAZING. I don't even know if there are any negatives to him..... I mean... I KNOW, I just don't care.....??? if that's possible. He has asked me to move in with him. I told him that I want to wait a year until school ends next year and that I don't want to rush into things. Especially since Kevin has A LOT to look forward to this coming year. He has a house, with a backyard and wants me to come and repaint and finish the things that his ex wife tore up.......

I don't know what to do guys. Honestly, I am scared to death. If I uproot my kids it will be FOREVER and I THOUGHT that a year would prove that maybe he's into it forever.... even tho he has NO DOUBT that he is, I still have doubt because I am an ass.... sigh.

What do I do?

Yes, J can be an asshole. But what happens if the cats go and things get better? MOST of my miserable-ness is because I spent HOURS AND HOURS cleaning up after the cats. What if I am just being miserable and looking for something better because of something stupid?



Kirsten said...

Wow. I don't know what to say. Although deep down you know that all your issues with Jessee are deeper than just the cats.

Lori said...

Leave him. It's not going to really get any better. I texted you about that last night. Life is too short, Angi. Love you.

Ladiebug said...

Things havnt been good between the 2 of you since way before the multiple cats. In fact I remember things starting way back when you found out you were pregnant.
I dont like how you have always felt "stuck" in this relationship. Being "stuck" and in love are 2 different things.
I do believe in putting your kids first but I dont think staying with Jesse so Kevin can stay in his school will help anything. The kids see how Jesse treats them on a daily basis and I think that will make more of a life long impact than Kevin having to re-adjust to a new school. Feeling loved and equal is very important on a kids psyquee. The new school will have programs for him to jump into as well. Maybe not the same ones but different ones. That's the only area I disagree with..staying for another year. Kevin is at a age where he sees things more than ever and it's going to impact him in the long run. I am sure he sees how you and Jesse are indifferent towards each other and how Justin gets more of the special lovin from his dad than he does. You and this guy have known each other for years and have put it off this long. Why wait any longer? I know your pros and cons and they sound more like you being paranoid and I dont think this is the guy you need to be that way about. You need to realize that he is lucky to have you and I think he knows it too and would never let you down as long as you can finally open yourself up to love again.

Nancy said...

If you aren't happy and you know you could love him, then go to him.

You have been so unhappy for so long and you deserve happiness.

Follow your heart.

Kids are resilient. Kevin will be happy if you are.

The kids will grow up and leave -- what then? Don't make the mistake of never thinking of your needs/wants. You will just end up old and alone or worse with someone who makes you unhappy, if you do this.

Special K said...

Nancy took the words out of my mouth. I know Jesse is a good guy but when it isn't there it isn't there, kids or no. Sorry life is too short. I am glad you are thinking this through and giving it a year because true love waits and it will be there. You just never know what life brings us. I used to say never myself and I wouldn't say that wholeheartdely anymore and I am 16 yrs in. It's a sad thing when you are unhappy with your life, you just get one, your kids get to grow up and have their own relationships.
I love you and will stand behind you no matter what!