I hate this.
I am torn between leaving and staying.
I have my reasons for both and they are damn good ones. I just wish I could leave and live alone. I wish it didn't have to be with someone. I wish I could afford my own place. I am scared to jump into another relationship and to end up like I am now..... I have spent the last 12 years of my life "trapped" and I don't want to be that way anymore.
Is that so wrong?
7 years with Allyn and 5 years with Jesse. WHY do I do this to myself?
On Monday Jesse stayed home from work. When we returned home from getting something for lunch the cat was on the porch that I threw out last week Friday. He saw the cat and the cat looked ragged and ran from us. Jesse asked me if I REALLY gave the cat to a friend. I said yes because there were kids around and I really didn't want a fight. So I told the kids to go outside and play in the back yard and I stayed in the house to talk to Jesse. I told him the truth....... he got pissed.
So we fought for the entire afternoon. I told him to get out, he wouldn't leave. Then he said I could leave and leave Justin with him. I said NO FUCKING WAY. Then we argued. I calmed down and told him that he KNOWS how this works. He was with me when I divorced Allyn and he KNOWS that custody ALWAYS goes with the mother. He just walked away. I sat on my bed and thought OMG, he will put Justin through this just to spite me. Then I pictured me leaving and him tugging on Justin and Justin crying.
I can't do this guys. I don't want to screw up my kids. It seems that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't at this point.
Allyn wants me out of here. He HATES Jesse. I want out because Jesse annoys the fuck out of me sometimes. And don't get me started on these cats. I do love Jesse in some ways. I am just not IN LOVE with him.