Wednesday, August 20, 2008


I hate this.

I am torn between leaving and staying.

I have my reasons for both and they are damn good ones. I just wish I could leave and live alone. I wish it didn't have to be with someone. I wish I could afford my own place. I am scared to jump into another relationship and to end up like I am now..... I have spent the last 12 years of my life "trapped" and I don't want to be that way anymore.

Is that so wrong?

7 years with Allyn and 5 years with Jesse. WHY do I do this to myself?

On Monday Jesse stayed home from work. When we returned home from getting something for lunch the cat was on the porch that I threw out last week Friday. He saw the cat and the cat looked ragged and ran from us. Jesse asked me if I REALLY gave the cat to a friend. I said yes because there were kids around and I really didn't want a fight. So I told the kids to go outside and play in the back yard and I stayed in the house to talk to Jesse. I told him the truth....... he got pissed.


So we fought for the entire afternoon. I told him to get out, he wouldn't leave. Then he said I could leave and leave Justin with him. I said NO FUCKING WAY. Then we argued. I calmed down and told him that he KNOWS how this works. He was with me when I divorced Allyn and he KNOWS that custody ALWAYS goes with the mother. He just walked away. I sat on my bed and thought OMG, he will put Justin through this just to spite me. Then I pictured me leaving and him tugging on Justin and Justin crying.

I can't do this guys. I don't want to screw up my kids. It seems that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't at this point.

Allyn wants me out of here. He HATES Jesse. I want out because Jesse annoys the fuck out of me sometimes. And don't get me started on these cats. I do love Jesse in some ways. I am just not IN LOVE with him.




Special K said...

Man oh man I totally understand babe!
is there anyway you could get a job get on your feet and get your own place? That does sound like a good idea. You will have your own turf, your own rules and won't have to be tied down to anything but your kids.
The kids part makes it tough. I am glad mine is grown right now. :(

Ladiebug said...

Yeah having a job and getting a place on your own would be nice for you to do above anything else. But is staying with Jesse for now good for the rest of the family till you can do this? It's a lot to figure out and that's definately only something you can chose.

Kirsten said...

I agree ... getting a job and getting your own place would probably be the best option for everyone. not the easiest, but then you'd have your own turf, and your own place, and your own rules. . and well not easy financially, but it would be nice.

Lori said...

Hugs, honey. I don't even know what to say. I am sorry I haven't been around...internet access has been hit and miss (mostly miss) and with school starting TOMORROW (ACK!) I haven't had a minute to breathe. I am tense as fuck. I wish I could help you. :(