Thursday, March 27, 2008

a father

Blogger is pissing me off.

It's no secret that Jesse and I have been together for 4 years. 4 years and 3 months to be exact. Kevin was 4 when I met Jesse and Bailee was a few weeks old. Jesse is really the only father that Bailee has ever known for the simple fact that Jesse has been here EVERY SINGLE DAY since she was a few weeks old. He takes her to doc appts, he hugs her and tells her he loves her, he is here when she is sick, plays with her, cooks for her, helps get her dresses... the list goes on. And we have ALWAYS encouraged her relationship with Allyn and told her that she's lucky enough to have 2 daddy's who love her very much.

When I got pregnant with Justin and was living in my old house, Kevin asked Jesse if he could call him daddy. Jesse accepted and its been that way since that day. The kids all call Jesse daddy and have no problem with it.

Recently Kevin came home calling Jesse by his first name, when asked why I was told by Kevin that his father ( Allyn ) told him that it makes him sad when Kevin calls Jesse, daddy.


I explained to Kevin that Jesse is a father to Kevin and it is totally up to him what he decides to call him and to not be pressured by what Al said. Kevin decided when he is here that he will call Jesse, daddy and when he is with Allyn he will call Jesse by his name. We accepted that and moved on.

Jesse was leaving for work tonight ( he is on a weird 3rd shift for tonight only ) and Bailee and Justin hugged and kissed Jesse goodbye, said I love you's and as Jesse was leaving Bailee said "now remember, he is Jesse not daddy"

Double ugh.

I know it bothers Allyn that the kids call Jesse Daddy. Allyn has brought it up to me many times. I COMPLETELY understand why it would bother him but truthfully it isn't about what Al or I want. When Kevin asked Jesse if he could call him daddy we were floored. We didn't know what to say. Jesse just accepted it and we sort of dropped the subject. Right or wrong, it worked and helped all of us feel like a family.

Allyn is a great father when the kids are with him. BUT the kids are with him 4 days a month. ( every other weekend ) and thats it. So what defines a father? Kevin is old enough to know that Allyn and I were married and that Allyn is his birth father but Jesse has been there everyday and helped me raise the kids making him a father too. Bailee isn't old enough and I don't think its fair that Allyn says adult things to Bailee given that he left us when I was pregnant with her. Jesse is the only father that she knows. She's too young to know or remember that Al and I were married and had her and her brother together. She won't know the difference between birth father and "father".

What do you guys think? I hate divorce for this reason. Its so confusing for the kids and maybe I did go about it all wrong but at the time when Kevin asked Kevin wanted a father. Allyn was being less then stellar in the dad department and Kevin needed someone.

input please. and thank you.


Ladiebug said...

I believe Jesse is their father thru and thru. I was there during the many months that Al was off (and still really is) playing house with someone else putting his kids off on the back burner. He still does when they arent with him. For him it's out of sight out of mind. In my opinion he should not be telling the kids not to call jesse daddy. that shows he is jealous or it really makes him feel guilty when he hears it becuase he knows it's true. I am sorry but he is just a jerk...putting it nicely. Ok fine he said it to Kevin but now he is obviously telling Bailee sad. He should just step up and be in their lives more. Call during the week and say hey can I pick the kids up for dinner or hey I'm heading to the mall can I snag the kids? He needs to earn his right to be called daddy...let the kids decide on their own if they shouldnt be calling Jesse daddy.Let them feel as if they have enough in Al not making them feel bad for calling Jesse daddy. I bet it broke Jesse's heart when Bailee said that to him. I'd tell him hey lay off and grow up. There are kids out there that are all the better for having a set of parents.
Maybe you can suggest Kevin to call him daddy Jesse?

Ladiebug said...

Ugh what an insecure bastard!

Special K said...

I think the answer is easier than expected.
It IS up to the kids, noone else. A father earns his title by love and respect, not from being a sperm donor.
Cameron was raised by Drew, he is in his biological Father's life now and calls him by his first name. I know it is a little different situation but still, he gives homage to his REAL father in MHO.

Kirsten said...

It is totally up to the kids. . . it's not about what Allyn wants .. and there's no reason why he can't call one of them dad and one of them daddy ... or both of them daddy. it says a lot that at such a young age that Kevin felt comfortable enough to want to call Jessee Daddy. they are not doing it to make Al feel bad. . . he needs to suck it up, and grow up ... and he definitely shouldn't be saying things in front of Bailee like "now remember he's jessee and now daddy) ... ugh.